Calling for ChilyPepper

"That Winter Snowflake"

Author: ChilyPepper

Main Characters: Minho,Jung Min Hee (oc), Jonghyun, Key, Onew, Taemin

Genre: Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
"If a kiss was a snowflake, I'd send you a blizzard."
One single hey can change everything.
One look and I knew he was the one.
Just kidding.
"Can a warm love blossom in the midst of a cold winter?"

 

R/N: I know that I'm not the reviewer you chose; however, 'zogeumie' is in hiatus that she won't be
able to process your request, so I took your request instead. I hope you don't mind. ~ yeolwho05 Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

First of all, your title was too typical. That kind of title is something you'd normally cross paths with in the world of fanfiction. Titles are not copyrightable. If your title is fairly common, and doesn't deal with the same subject matter as another story with the same name, you shouldn't run into any legal problems. That's one critical point you have to consider in choosing the right title for your story; primarily because most readers here get attracted to unique and sophisticated title, yet at the same time, interesting and relevant. It was a bit dull. I mean, when you browse a specific section here on AFF, or a collection of short stories, aren't you drawn first to the more unusual titles? The point is that titles with a bit more originality stand a better chance. That's plain reality. On the good side, that title was easy to remember, and it was a simple kind of title. However, in terms of relevance, well I can't really say it's positive, since the winter nor the snowflake played an important role in the story. In fact, I couldn't think of winter playing an important role in the story. It's just the setting of the story; nothing else. That's for me though, but yeah. It did cover a hidden meaning though, but I think it doesn't suit the story that much. 

 

Graphics: 6/10

Your poster was fine to be honest. First of all, snow was evident from the poster, to which I think is considered as a blizzard? There were flickers of a snowflake and something of a book on the background. I'm not really sure with the relevance of the book, but the snowflake was a good addition. The title was readable, and the placement wasn't that of a problem as well. I don't quite fancy the color used for the title though; mainly because it didn't complement the theme of the poster. I mean, it's winter; plus the story's of angst, so why add a color in contrast with the others? Moreover, I think a simple black font color for it would've been better. It may look dull, but it'd fit the other elements. But then again, it's not your fault, nor the designers. I'm just stating my opinion here. My other concerns would be their clothes, especially Minho's. Minhee, to which was played by Krystal, wore  understandable clothes. I mean, her clothes weren't that noticeable so it wasn't that of a problem. Minho's clothes, however, didn't match the theme again because it's winter. It would've been better if he wore clothes emphasizing winter. Moreover, it would've been better if the characters' features were more sharpened. They looked too blurry. A bit sharpening on the edges would've improved their features. 

On the other hand, the background didn't really complement your poster; primarily because of the color. It would've been better if the color was of light blue. Actually, it would be best to request for a complementing background from the graphic shop you requested your poster. P.S. I really like the quote you placed in the poster. However, I don't remember that line being said in the story. It would've been better if it was mentioned in one of your chapters. That'd make it a special line coming from one of your chapters, now wouldn't it?

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. You started your description with a short quote, am I right? Well, I love it. It was connected with your title, and at the same time, it had that deep meaning behind it. The way you connected a kiss with a snowflake and a blizzard was over-the-top. It was a good start, to be honest. You caught my interest with that line. The 'just kidding' at the end was intriguing as well. From then and there, I knew that Minhee's personality was rather... weird, and I was right! Here's a little side note though. I think it would be best to quote the word 'hey' with single quotation marks to emphasize a point; or you would bold it? It wasn't really that well-emphasized to be honest. Also, those two lines below the quote didn't rhyme/connect. I think it would be best if they were similarly constructed. As an illustration, I provided my revision for those lines. Here they are:

(Original Version 1) One single hey can change everything. One look and I knew he was the one.

(Revised Version 1) With a single 'hey', everything changed. With a single look, I knew he was the one.

So for this one, I rephrased your sentences. I made them with the same format so that they'd sound similar; mainly because I thought of it as a poem or something. I changed the verb tense for the first sentence as well. Now, I just want to make things clear. I am not requiring nor forcing you to change anything. This is just my revision of your work. The same applies with another revision below, and maybe for the next few illustrations later on as well.

(Original Version 2) One single hey can change everything. One look and I knew he was the one.

(Revised Version 2) A simple 'hey' changed everything. A simple look reminded me that he was the one.

For this one, I only changed the verb tense of the verb located at the first sentence. I thought that it would be better if they were of the same tense. At the same time, it sounded like both lines came from a first person's point-of-view, which was clearly Minhee's. I mean, the first sentence came out like it was of a quote, whereas a single 'hey' could change everything. However, if you say that a single 'hey' changed everything, then it would seem like that 'hey' changed something for Minhee. I hope I'm making sense here. (The "just kidding" part cracked me up though.)

Your foreword was fine I guess. It was some sort of a sneak peak. I remember that scene from the first chapters of your story. I'm not sure what specific chapter it was from, but yeah. I have no major concerns with that sneak peek except those grammatical errors I had found. There were a lot, and it was really not pretty at all. The line-spacing was messed up as well. I suggest getting a beta-reader that could fix both your chapters and your description + foreword. It's important that your description looks clean of errors since most readers choose to read a story through the description/foreword. Some readers get turned off as well from messy grammar.

As for the character chart, I'd sat lower the font. The same goes for the description as well. Most of your words were of a relatively large font size. A font size of 14 or 16 would be preferable since your text would be of a normal and readable size till then. Now, honestly, I don't think you need a character chart, but if you really want to put something like that, then I guess putting Minhee and Minho only would be a better idea. After all, the other Shinee members' didn't really play an important role in that section. I mean, they're barely pictures, and most commonly, it's understood that they're a part of the story already. It would create an element of surprise as well. Just sayin'.

 

Characterization: 6.5/10

Understanding the role of characterization in storytelling is very important for any writer. To put it briefly, it helps us make sense of the behavior of any character in a story by helping us understand their thought processes. A good use of characterization always leads the readers or audience to relate better to the events taking place in the story. Dialogue plays a very important role in developing a character because they give us an opportunity to examine the motivations and actions of the characters more deeply.

First of all, it was a good thing to relay your story with a first person's point-of-view, which in your case is Minhee's POV. The advantage of this point of view is that you get to hear the thoughts of the narrator and see the world depicted in the story through his or her eyes. However, remember that no narrator, like no human being, has complete self-knowledge or, for that matter, complete knowledge of anything. Therefore, the reader's role is to go beyond what the narrator says. I guess you portrayed Minhee's character and/or personality through that kind of point-of-view; however, it wasn't enough. I was actually looking for detailed elaboration of her feelings, emotions and whatnot. There were some instances where you explained them well, however, they still came out confusing; mainly because you combine then with some other facts. For example, you mix them up with those songs and movies that you thought of as relatable with the situation. It actually made me think since some of those things were ones which I don't know of.

Despite those things, I still understood her personality though. Minhee was like the carefree type of person. Actually, I like her personality. It wasn't that typical. And to top it off, she was kind of cheerful despite her past; especially with her family. She was a bit blunt as well. It would've been a shame if she went off like the typical damsel in distress in your story. By then, I would really stop reading your story. Moreover, she frequently teases Minho of his so-called 'feelings' for Minhee, to which Minho blushes at times. She seemed a bit naive about his feelings though, but I guess that's a part of her personality.

As for Minho, well actually, his persona confused me at times, but I kind of liked it since it came out intriguing. At some point, he acts concerned and affectionate for Minhee, yet he denies it when asked. There were parts were he acts a bit of a gentleman as well, but some parts told me otherwise. It confused me, but reality-wise, it's acceptable. I know some people with that kind of personality, and it's not necessarily considered as a bipolar person. Maybe he's just denying his feelings for the latter, as to avoid any suspicions and/or assumptions. The part where Minhee eavesdropped though was confusing. I mean, Minho said that he knew her before, but he pretended not. Moreover, Minho was angry with Minhee because of what happened with Onew. That was a bit weird. Personally, I'd say he's weird, but I guess that's a part of the plot as well. I would've preferred stronger scenes though; or a stronger plot-line at that. The reasons of the conflicts were a bit typical. I actually looked for something intense, wherein their emotions would be led out as intense as well.

All in all, you did well, but you kind of focused on revealing something through dialogue though. It would've been better if you portrayed their personalities through their actions instead. You didn't really describe their appearance and manner as well. Displaying their appearance and manner in a narrative way would help your readers imagine the scenes. Remember that you should show and not tell. You could either do so directly or indirectly. Either way, you have to do a good job, because your readers' understanding will vary from how well you describe your characters.

 

Plot: 25/40

I actually like what you did with the first chapter's ending with the second chapter's first part. I really thought that Minho saved her from the car, but it turns out that it was just a product of Minhee's imagination. It didn't actually confuse me. I eventually understood why you did it since you were kind of comparing reality with those scenes from the movies and dramas that Minhee had watched before. It because somewhat irritating at the end though. I mean, you were repeating those circumstances over and over again. It came out a bit redundant for me since you kept on repeating the same scene, although the idea was different. It would've been better if there were less scenes like that. If you meant to emphasize that as one of Minhee's personal hobbies and a part of her personality, then I guess a few scenes of about two of three would be good. It's just that there were a lot. It was just that there were a lot. Moreover, not all of your readers know those song/movies/dramas. Those kind of scenes would leave some, or most, of your readers in confusion, to which you should avoid in all circumstances.

One of the things I liked about your plot was that it focused its attention on the significant parts of the characters' lives. At some parts, you kind of relayed something about Minhee's life; more specifically, with regards to her family. It was kind of blurry though since you didn't start the story with those kinds of conflicts. For instance, it came out like 'Boom!' at the middle part of the story since you focused your attention on Minho and Minhee at the beginning. I didn't even get any hints of any family problems to begin with. I mean, you may have mentioned it briefly, but it wasn't enough to catch my attention. On the good side, you did focus your attention on the significant characters. Like what I've said before, Minhee. Frankly, you focused most of the chapters on