"Different Destinies"

Author: ghanchakkar

Main Characters: Oc, Suho, Daehyun

Genre: Drama, Friendship

Status: Completed

Description of Story: Love. It's unpredictable. If you fall for the right person, love starts blooming at once. But when with the wrong person, this not only destroy your relationship with that person, but it'll also affect the people around you... 

Love. It is a very selfish feeling; but at the same time, it's selfless. And in any healthy relationship, the happiness of people around them also matters.

What will happen when your selfish nature destroys others' relationships? Will you still try to change your destiny to be with that person? Or you will give up your happiness for another person's love...? Will your love be selfish or selfless? And what how would they handle this complicated life with Different Destinies? A journey of three individuals with Love, Trust, and Friendship.

 

Disclaimer: I know that you have requested from the previous batch, but I still decided to
use the new rubric for your story as it is better then the previous one. I hope you don't mind.
 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

I admit; your title really suits your story, especially with the quote, “You can’t stop anyone from loving someone.” Like what your title said, we all have our own destinies. It also matches the genres concerned, though I did find the title too ordinary as that kind of title had been overused. To be honest, it didn’t really attract me at first glance, because I had seen and read stories with destinies on their story titles. It didn’t surprise me that the plotlines were similar, either. On the good side though, the title was short, simple, memorable, easy and fast to say, and matched the soul of the book. Although it sounds a bit cliché, it’s more important that it suits your story, and that you make good use of the title so as to make it memorable to your readers.

 

Appearance: 6.5/10

a. Poster and Background. 3.5/5

To be honest, the main poster that you used for your story wasn’t that attractive. I did notice that there were other posters used and posted from the other chapters, and I do think that there are some who looked better than what you used as the main. The main poster doesn’t really stand out, and Eunji was a bit blurry in the picture, when the other two men were standing out with their blackish clothes. Also, that poster didn’t say something about the characters, too. It would’ve been better if Suho was wearing a suit there, so as to show that he’s a businessman. Daehyun didn’t look like an idol too, and Eunji didn’t look like a fashion designer. In fact, she looked more like a teen, in my opinion. Despite those, I think the posters were still fine, as they did portray the characters. Other than that, I also noticed that the background used for the story didn’t match the main poster, or the other posters concerned. I think it would be best to request for an accompanying background from the graphics shop you requested the poster for.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 3/5

I’ve noticed that the font sizes used for the description and foreword – as well as the actual chapters of the story – were quite small and inconsistent. I’m not really sure what font it was – maybe Tahoma – but it gradually changed to Georgia after a few chapters, and then got changed again after a few more chapters. It would be best to be consistent with your font styles and sizes so as to not burden nor confuse your readers.

Moreover, I think it would be better to organize your description and foreword. I don’t think that starting your description with their dialogues is best done; maybe it’s better to start it off with the actual description, since those dialogues might only confuse your readers. Naturally, readers would find the description after they browse through the title and the poster, so it’s best to put it first so that they would be able to read it readily.  Try to align those lines in the center, too, and see the different. It would help determine how the text would look better. The pictures, too, that were used in the character chart on the foreword should be more organized since there was a lot of unnecessary space wasted, especially when the pictures were aligned on the left side of the page. Other than that, try to minimize the spaces yet make sure that all is organized for your pages to look better.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

As I’ve stated on the previous section, your description and foreword was kind of messy. Again, I don’t think it’s best to start off with the dialogues or excerpts that the characters said on some parts of your chapters. It was confusing, to be honest, especially since we don’t even know who was talking and when. Try to start the description off with the actual, brief description that you prepared, since most readers do look for that when they browse through stories. Now, the description in general was fine for me. It talked about love and destiny at the same time – how love can be both selfish and selfless at the same time. From that description itself, the genres of the story was clear, and the idea of the whole plot was stated as well without letting too much information out.

The very first line of the description – which is the most important – was attractive enough to possible hook your readers in. Remember that if you don’t get the first line right, they won’t read on, especially when it sounds boring. Your first line needs to encapsulate the whole book. It needs to draw people in, hit them where it feels good and make the hairs on the back of their neck stand up. Not easy – but worth spending time on. Aside from that, it was kind of lengthy, yet it was summarized enough for me. I mean, you didn’t even spoil us with too much information, though the plot was cliché. The most important part was that you answered the question of what the story was all about. What terrible dilemma do the characters have to resolve? You needed to state the problem/dilemma that the readers can identify – which you did. Good job!

On the bad side, I did find a few grammatical errors from your description. Here are my revisions:

(Original Version) "It's not like what you actually think... He loves You like I love You..."

(Revised Version) "It's not like what you actually think. He loves you like I love you."

Be careful with your ellipsis; do not overuse them. Ellipsis are mostly misused by writers, to be honest. Remember to use an ellipsis when omitting a word, phrase, line, paragraph, or more from a quoted passage. Ellipses save space or remove material that is less relevant. They are useful in getting right to the point without delay or distraction. Ellipses can express hesitation, changes of mood, suspense, or thoughts trailing off. Writers also use ellipses to indicate a pause or wavering in an otherwise straightforward sentence. In your case above though, the ellipses was unnecessary. There were no emission whatsoever, and if you were aiming for a pause, then a period would simply do the job, as periods to indicate a pause once a sentence ends with it.

Other than that, remember that you should only capitalize the first word of the sentence and proper nouns included in the sentence. Titles that are properly quoted should be properly capitalized, too, but for the example above, capitalizing those pronouns, even though they need emphasis, is wrong.

(Original Version) "I wish that was true..." He mumbled.

(Revised Version) "I wish that was true," he mumbled.

Again, just like the previous example, the ellipsis was unnecessary.

(Original Version) "Are you accusing me now...?"

(Revised Version) "Are you accusing me now?”

Here’s another example of the unnecessary ellipsis. Don't use ellipses to show the trailing off of a sentence unless it's informal, such as on the web, or in texting. Moreover, the ellipsis was unnecessary. There was no need of such pause since the sentence would end either way. There wasn’t any emitted words, either, so removing that ellipsis would be best.

(Original Version) Love. It's unpredictable. If you fall for the right person, love starts blooming at once. But when with the wrong person, this not only destroy your relationship with that person, but it'll also affect the people around you...

(Revised Version) Love. It's unpredictable. If you fall for the right person, love will start to bloom at once; but when you fall for the wrong person, it will not only destroy your relationship but the people around you as well.

For the example above, I kind of reconstructed the third sentence because it was a bit too long and redundant. Like the previous examples – again – the ellipsis that ended the last sentence was unnecessary as it didn’t pertain to any emitted words, nor a pause. As with all highly stylistic constructions, a little goes a long way. Remember that ellipsis are used to indicate either a long, thoughtful pause, a trailing off of words, a continuation of time, or a pause in a conversation as if a realization is occurring. Stylistically, they are best used to give a thoughtful, contemplative feel to prose.

(Your Version) What will happen when your selfish nature destroys others' relationships? Will you still try to change your destiny to be with that person? Or you will give up your happiness for another person's love...?

Will your love be selfish or selfless?

And what how would they handle this complicated life with Different Destinies?

A journey of three individuals with Love, Trust, and Friendship.

Aside from the grammatically incorrect capitalized words, I was confused with this part. It was as if the speaker of the description was talking to the readers on the first part – because of the “you”s used. On the following sentences though, it was like you were talking about them instead – the characters in your story. It was inconsistent in my book, because it was as if you were talking to me for a second then you turn away and talk to someone else. Think about it. I believe this has something to do with the point of view used.

 

Character Development: 10/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 3/5

I think despite the twists that you gave away in your story, you still lacked in describing your characters. From my point of view, you focused on their speech to much, like, all I could see were their dialogues. Remember that a proper character development would take place through exploring their actions, speech, appearance, thoughts, and their personalities. Your characters should be credible. Their actions should answer to their characters/personalities. Daehyun’s character is kind of critical at this point, as his character was the most confusing for me. It was as if he wanted to give up one second, then suddenly, he gains his motivation back and fights for what he wants. In that case, try to explain why he changed his viewpoint all of a sudden, like explore his thoughts, and try to elaborate even more through his actions. You don’t have to focus on their speech all the time. Like what they usually say, “Actions speak louder than words.”

There were a few confusing, awkward, and questionable scenes – at least for me – throughout your chapters, too, which is related to how you described their actions aside from their dialogues. Here is one example:

"I'm happy that you like this." He kissed her forehead delicately as she drew in for more of his warmth. They stayed in each others' embrace, enjoying their warmth. But then... an extremely obvius fake cough just had to interupt this moment.

Suho sent a glare to Kyungsoo for ruining their romantic moment.

"Sorry to disturb your.... you guys...but you are taking my precious time." Kyungsoo said in an awkward manner, while trying to avoid Suho's death glare.

This was a scene from chapter two, I think. It was when Kyungsoo had suddenly appeared. Apparently, he was the one who cooked the food for Suho and Haeri’s date. Feeling empathy/sympathy for the lead characters is important – because it keeps your readers’ interest as they read through your story. An indifferent character leads to an indifferent book. It may still be a good read, but it won’t be a memorable read. As to the scene above, it didn’t seem as if Kyungsoo had interrupted a very romantic moment. This goes to how you explore the scene. Try to describe Suho and Haeri’s individual – or mutual – feelings as they took each other’s embrace. Moreover, try to explain Kyungsoo’s side of the story, too. After all, it was a third person’s point of view that was used throughout the story. Why was there a need to fake cough, anyway. He didn’t even need anything from the two. In fact, he could’ve just exited the place and left the lovebirds alone, but he stayed, and did interrupt their moment. Why was that?

Haeri started blushing madly, and she buried her face in Suho's chest, while the latter wrapped his armssecurely around her petite waist.

What I wanted to point out with this scene was the fact that the moment was too cliché and contradicting in real life. I mean, you did use Suho as her boyfriend, and well… despite of the very much cliché moment and description, I found it weird that she was able to bury her face on his chest. I mean, let’s face it. Suho is definitely not the tallest man on Earth. If she was able to bury her face on his check as they hugged, then the only conclusion that I would undertake was that she was short, which I think not. It was just weird as I think about the scene realistically. Sorry if you’re an EXO Stan though – I am one. It’s just that I don’t find it imaginable. Moving on~

"This morning. We were too shocked when Suho called us here urgently." Her mother directed her gaze to Suho. "Please, Joonmyun-ah, don't do this kind of jokes again." Everyone chuckled. Haeri eyed everyone, love was overflowing from their eyes. But still, she felt somewhat empty, like some piece was missing, then it stuck her...

This was a scene from the surprise that Suho did for Haeri’s birthday. He kind of invited her parents and surprised her as they went home. What I found confusing here was her mother’s statement. She said that Suho kind of said a joke or something. What was that joke that she was talking about. Like, did he call her mother that there was an emergency or something, and that she must come to Seoul immediately? I’m not sure if I just missed the reason, but yeah.

Moreover, it’s not a really good joke to do to your girlfriend’s parents.

Daehyun was in his practice room, rehearsing the same part of the dance cheorography for the past one hour. His fellow bandmate, Yongjae was there whole time, observing him with slightly furrowed eyebrows and a piercing gaze. When he took enough of Daehyun's stubbornness, he stood up and went towards the stereo, only to remove the wires.

I think Daehyun practicing their choreography for merely an hour is that big of a deal. I mean, there are idols – even dancers – who practice their routines for hours without breaks. Basically, the scene wasn’t that believable. It would’ve been more understandable if he had practiced for hours. Now, I would call him stubborn at that, and if he was practicing for their choreography for an hour, I think I would praise him instead, since he would look as if he was working hard for his group.

Maybe you should change the number of hours, perhaps? Try to elaborate Youngjae’s perception of Daehyun at that scene, too. If Youngjae did observe him with furrowed eyebrows and a piercing gaze, then what did he gain from his observation? How stubborn did he see him? Was it even their free time at that moment? Was it too much of a surprise to him to see Daehyun practicing, because he hadn’t done that before? Again, this falls to how you describe your characters and their actions.

b. Evolution of Characters. 3/5

To be honest, there wasn’t much character development going on – well, except Daehyun, maybe. Haeri was the typical good and innocent girl in the story, with a loving boyfriend and a loving best friend as well, who both happened to fight for her heart. She had been consistent with her love for her boyfriend – Suho – so far, and has been doing her best to fix certain situations for her and the people around her. She had a stereotypical character as well. She seemed too much of a Mary Sue to me. I haven’t gotten enough flaws from her character, either. Take notice that readers do not like clichéd characters.  Remember that once people get to know a person from "the other side," they often will determine that the other is not nearly as bad as they originally had assumed. You can use this statement to your advantage. Try to develop and evolve Haeri’s character for the better – or worse – that would surprise us --- your readers.

With that, I believe that Haeri has the flattest character from the bunch, as her personality isn’t that crystal clear yet. It seemed as if she couldn’t handle situations by herself, too. What should we exactly like from her character? She was a fashion designer, too, yet that part wasn’t really used in the chapter. You only mentioned her getting busy with “work,” though it would be better to explain what kind of work she was doing, like does she practice and make her fashion collection herself, or what?

Daehyun, on the other hand, had suddenly developed feelings for his best friend. I’m not sure if he had intimate feelings from that start. It was actually confusing, as in chapter two or three – I’m not sure what chapter it was – it was implied that he had just realized his feelings for Haeri. On another note, there was a chapter on the later part of the story when he stated that he had feelings for the latter since they were young. He appears to be the antagonist of the story, too, which I think, is not. He was just troubled, though you didn’t really explore that part, either. It did appear like he was not just troubled with his love life though. This is considered as a stereotype as well, since you kind of think that he’d be depressed just because of Haeri. Try to toughen the situation up by giving him more problems – like his company label. Moreover, how exactly does the people around him think of him, and where did those assumptions come from? In what context? Might Daehyun be different in different situations?

Suho’s actions, too, was quite awkward as well – particularly because his emotions weren’t that elaborated. It wasn’t really clear why he had given Daehyun a chance to fight for Haeri, too. Other than that, I was even more confused when he had accepted Han Sarang’s father’s choice. How could he just agree for a fake marriage? It was like he didn’t necessarily think of the underlying consequences with that move. He seemed to be too weak to fight for his love, too. From my point of view, it was like he immediately surrenders from those situations and slump in defeat afterwards. It’s his character, I know, but then again, when will that change? Will that even change? More so, will he change? Again, his character hasn’t been well-developed yet, but I do what to know how he acts to the next chapters, especially with him pretending to be Sarang’s fiancée, to which Haeri would obviously react to.

Minhee’s character seems to be important, too. As of the moment, I’m kind of predicting that she’ll end up with either Daehyun or Yongguk, but based from the previous chapters, I believe that either Minhee or Daehyun would eventually fall for the other, and Yongguk would be the third party. I highly think she’s made for Daehyun though, as those scenes called for it.

Han Sarang is one of the story’s antagonists, I presume. I think she’s the one who had ordered a girl before to send pictures of Haeri and Daehyun then send it to them. Am I right? Or did I miss that part out? Anywa