Calling for exoexo123

"The Illusion's Secret"

Author: exoexo123

Main Characters: Xiumin + OC + Baekhyun

Genre: Angst, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
What happens if fate plays a game with you? Will you play fair? Or will you cheat to be able to win?

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 5/5

Your title is very eye-catching and intriguing and it grips the reader from the outset and ignites their curiosity in regards to your story. It is also quite original as a search of AFF for the title returns only your story, so well done in that regard.

 

Graphics: 8.5/10

Your main graphic (on your foreword) is excellent and very eye-catching. It also captures the angst of your story perfectly and because of this, is an excellent visual representation. It also visualises the feel of mystery which your story aims to communicate. 

 

Description and Foreword: 7.5/10

"What happens if fate plays a game with you? Will you play fair? Or will you cheat to be able to win?" I quite like your description; it is both to the point and interesting. It most certainly draws the reader in and captures their attention. If there was one thing that could be change it would be the first part. Instead of:   "What happens if fate plays a game with you?" I think it could be changed to: "What happens when fate decides to play a game with you?" This way there is more emphasis placed on the lack of choice the "you" in the sentence has in terms of the decisions of fate. 

Also, the last part could be changed from: "Or will you cheat to be able to win?" To: "Or will you cheat to win?" This way you're keeping with the short and to the point kind of motif and making your point made with less words. Also, your previous wording seemed a little awkward. But other than these, I thought your description was great. Well done :)   Your foreword is great as well. It has a kind of free-verse poetry feel to it and increases the reader's interest in your story. The things which could be changed are:
"Xiumin, why did you come to my life?" Which could be changed to: "Xiumin, why did you come into my life?"
This then leads into your next sentence which also includes "into" - however as "in to" which is incorrect in the context you are going for. Good work overall :)

 

Characterization: 5.5/10

The characterisation of your three main characters - Hana, Baekhyun and Xiumin is good, although somewhat cliché. Hana is the good girl turned bad that is still good but tries to be bad but is good kind of thing and Baekhyun is the best friend who's in love with the main girl but doesn’t want to say it and wants it still be a secret and Xiumin is the bad guy who's good but bad but wants to be good. These kind of characterisations are prevalent in quite a significant number of stories here on AFF. But, I cannot judge too harshly as you story is ongoing and the characterisation process similarly is still ongoing.

 

Plot: