Calling for lost-in-bigbang

"Another Man's Treasure"

Author: lost-in-bigbang

Main Characters: Choi Seunghyun, Kim Hana (OC)

Genre: Angst, Comedy, Crack, Drama, Mystery, Tragedy

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Garage sales are usually full of old useless junk.
But not what Choi Seunghyun found.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4.5/5

A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. Remember that titles have always been important. Everyone knows that. The problem is deciding just what constitutes a 'good' title – keeping in mind that fashions for titles change at least as frequently as fashion for shoes. Furthermore, a good title must fulfill multiple functions. It must have some relationship to the content of the story it designates. It must be notable, comparatively unique, attractive to potential readers, and nowadays, it must also work-well for on-line search engines.

Personally, your title's fine. It sounded rather simple, but at the same time, it had that hidden meaning behind it. My first impression was good since primarily, it sounds interesting. On top of that, it had that mixed genres to it, like it sounded more of an adventure, but at the same time, I got a feeling that there's something behind it that's inquiring. It turned out that I was right though. Relevance-wise, you did a good job as well. Apart from the reason that it was an excerpt from the prompt you used from the writing contest you decided to join, it was still connected with the general plot; mainly with the garage sale where Seunghyun bought the book. Other that that, I'd say that it's attractive enough to garner some potential readers. Good job.

 

Graphics: 0/0

Since you don't have any graphics, I decided to cut this section from the over-all grading. However, I suggest getting them though. Graphics are important as well. Well, actually, it's not that important, rather it helps you attract more readers. Most readers here get attracted with eye-pleasant and appealing poster to  be honest. There are a lot of graphics shop here on Asianfanfics as well, so why not give it a shot? I mean, what's there to lose, right? Personally, the main page didn't look attractive. And by that, I'd say that it looked too dull, that's why I suggest getting your graphics. Make sure that it reflects the story though. Maybe a poster with a diary would be good. It's all in your hands, I guess. Just make sure to request for a complementing background as well for additional attractiveness.

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. In your case, you did introduce the story by providing a short description to which described a garage sale. It was short, but it wasn't the negative-type of 'short' either. Actually, it would've been better if you just added a few more lines, maybe two or three? I don't know. It just came out to me like you were too straight-forward. It would've been a bit better for me if you added some deep lines related to the plot, but at the same time, you would've have given out more hints as to what will come out in the story. Maybe if you added something about garage sales, then it would be better. Well, that's just my opinion. Other than that, there were grammatical errors with regards to your description.

(Original Version) Garage sales are usually full of old useless junk. But not what Choi Seunghyun found.
(Revised Version) Garage sales are usually full of old and useless junk [or old, useless junk]. However, that wasn't what Choi Seunghyun found.

~> Use commas to separate two or more coordinate adjectives that describe the same noun. Coordinate adjectives are adjectives with equal ("co"-ordinate) status in describing the noun; neither adjective is subordinate to the other.  Be sure never to add an extra comma between the final adjective and the noun itself or to use commas with non-coordinate adjectives. Since the adjectives you used were coordinate, a comma is needed. On the other hand, you can just put them together using 'and'. Other than that, I also replaced 'but' with 'however'. Why? Well, it's not really prohibited to begin our sentences with conjunctions, but by using words like 'however' or 'regardless' would make your sentence sound professional. On the other hand, beginning a sentence with one of these conjunctions can lend impact or emphasis to the sentence. It's still your choice though.

As for your foreword, I only had a few problems to be honest. The texts and the banner were all big, and not to mention unorganized. The size goes the same for your description. You should minimize the sizes to average. For font sizes, you should settle with 14-16. For the author's note though, I think you should state what inspired you into writing the story instead. For instance, why did you choose this prompt from the contest? In other words, explain, but drag it for too long though. Personally, I read notes like that, primarily because I understand the story more that way. However, that's just my opinion. Other than that, I think it would look better if you aligned them at the center as well. Minimize the banner as well and put the proceeding information below it. You should remove the spacing for those information as well to emphasize that they're together as one. For the warning though, I think you should emphasize it. It wasn't really attracting to be honest. If you want to warn your readers about a particular thing, then you have to make sure that their eyes would catch it as soon as their eyes lay upon your main page. All in all, the foreword is fine except for the format. My recommendations might seem like dull and boring, but I'm just trying my best to state my opinion though to make your main page look more attracting and professional. Teehee.​

 

Characterization: 7/10

Characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable. In your case, it was relatively important that you exhibit Seunghyun's character well since the story kind of revolved on his daily life. Personally, I think you did well on this part. However, you still lacked on a few parts. Characterization is just as important in a one shot as it is in a chaptered story. You just have less space to do it in. You have to be very efficient with your use of words. Make them do double or triple duty. One shots may seem easier to write because they are short. They are, in fact, very difficult to write well. Moreover, it's pretty important to get the audience to fall in love with this particular character and care about her/him depending if its the protagonist. We need to know where he's coming from and where he plans on going. Characterization in a one shot is just that, a short description. Having said that--your protagonist must be one your reader can identify with, relate to, and empathize with and be believable. 

In your case, well it wasn't really that necessary to make your audience to fall in love with neither Choi Seunghyun nor Kim Hana. In fact, you just needed to fish some information from time to time because of the mystery. On the other hand, you still have to mind about your characterization though. Characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. You story came out a bit realistic to be honest, but it wasn't compelling enough. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable. For instance, Kim Hana's diary was too short. I mean, Seunghyun barely read a few entries, yet he came to the page where she said that she wanted to give up or something. It wasn't too believable. You should've added a few more entries to explore more about Kim Hana's personality, and at the same time, you would be giving a few hints that Seunghyun was her crush as well.

For Seunghyun though, I liked his character. He seemed like the childish and playful boy. He didn't really came out as the typical male character in the story though. In fact, he was unique by himself. I enjoyed some of his funny scenes as well. One of my concerns though is that you pointed his character directly from time to time. You were like pointing something that has been pointed out before, thus, it came out as redundancy. You could've elaborated that particular trait of his from the start, then tell it directly to your readers eventually. I hope you're getting my point here. It's just that I would always read something about him being dumb and all. Another issue for me would be that you lacked in explaining the physical appearance and manner of the characters. You could've explained how Seunghyun dresses himself. That way, we could've learned more about his character and personality since some traits would be read through that, just like in real life. The same goes for the old man at the beginning of