Calling for MarjjMallows

"My Husband Is The New Boss?!"

Author: MarjjMallows

Main Characters: Kwon Jiyong and Sandara Park

Genre: Romcom

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Dara, the runaway wife of Kwon Jiyong started working for the biggest company in Asia. She wants to be independent, she doesn't want to be hurt no more.. That's why she's starting a year without getting Jiyong out of her way. What will happen if the new boss is her... husband?!  

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. Remember that titles have always been important. Everyone knows that. The problem is deciding just what constitutes a 'good' title – keeping in mind that fashions for titles change at least as frequently as fashion for shoes. Furthermore, a good title must fulfill multiple functions. It must have some relationship to the content of the story it designates. It must be notable, comparatively unique, attractive to potential readers, and nowadays, it must also work-well for on-line search engines.

My first impression of your story wasn't that good, and the main reason for that is your title. First of all, I still don't get why made it in all-caps. From that itself, it made me think that your story's a bit informal. The title wasn't that appealing as well. It's one of those I'd label as a cliche and typical title. It didn't really appeal to me, and I didn't find anything special through it. In terms of relevance though, well it is relevant indeed. It did contain the general plot of your story too. The title was a bit interesting though since you stated that her boss is her husband; however, some might get turned off since it's a cliche plot. Well, maybe it's just me. Anyway, I suggest correcting the capitalization for your title. A simple 'My Husband is the New Boss?!' might do, or a simpler title like 'My Husband is the New Boss?'. Either way, do correct the capitalization since it wasn't visually appealing; that is, for me. I'm not necessarily requiring your though. It's still your choice. Teehee.​

 

Graphics: 7.5/10

First of all, you didn't place your main poster as the main image of the story, so it's a bit hard for me to grade this section since I don't know which poster is which. I'm assuming that it's the one that The Bakery Graphics made? Assuming that it is, well I like it. It did complement the story well. Their expressions were well-portrayed as well. Jiyong did look mischievous with him biting his lip as he stared at Dara. It did match his character indeed. Dara's expression was fine as well, although I might have to question the camera she was holding though. I just tend to be a bit descriptive with the details, okay? It's just that that camera didn't hold any symbolism in the story, that your readers might mistaken it as having some sort of importance in the story. Well, it's not really that major of an issue. In fact, I'm pretty sure that most of you readers won't notice it. Like what I've said before, it's just me. Anyway, the bottom part of the poster looked a bit messy though, mainly because of the credits placed below the title. It looked a bit messy and crowded. The author's name at the top part of the poster wasn't visually visible as well. It would've been better if the font color used for it was darker; black might've done the job. Other than that, the background did complement the poster. The text placed in the background, which was the title, was readable as well, so good job on that part. ​

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. In your case, the quote you put was fine to be honest. It was relatable to your plot. However, it contained some errors. In my opinion, your description contained the right amount that a description should have, mainly because you didn't really give anything away. You just basically provided a very brief introduction of the story. I've noticed that you didn't set your poster as your main image? I suggest putting your main poster as the main image instead of placing it in your description instead.

Also, you should stick with a consistent font style and size. I think it would look better if you used a font size of 14, but nonetheless, your words were readable. As for the font color, I suggest to stick with simple black since your graphics were colorful enough. Prevent yourself from highlighting or putting a background color for your words. It looks a bit informal, and not to mention distracting. You could've just bolded or italicized those words, and you could've provided a fancier font for them. Now, for those grammatical errors that I've found, well, I will just be providing my revised version. Do check it out, although I'm not requiring you to change anything. You will always have the final decision.

(Original Version) Dara, the runaway wife of Kwon Jiyong started working for the biggest company in Asia. She wants to be independent, she doesn't want to be hurt no more.. That's why she's starting a year without getting Jiyong out of her way. What will happen if the new boss is her... husband?!

(Revised Version) Dara, the runaway wife of Kwon Jiyong, had started working for one of the biggest companies in Asia. She wanted to be independent, and she didn't want to be hurt anymore. That was why she decided to start a year without getting Jiyong on her way. However, what will happen if the new boss was her... husband?!

First of all, I was utterly confused with this description. You stated that she didn't want to be hurt anymore so she decided to run away, right? However, you also stated that she started her year 'without getting Jiyong out of her way'. That phrase literally means that she wanted Jiyong on her way, and not the opposite. I think that you may have jumbled your words here. Moreover, the grammatical errors didn't help as well. You should've stuck with past tense since you were relaying something that happened before, as if you were creating anticipation from what have happened beforehand. Nonetheless, settling it in past tense is still recommended since those events did happen beforehand.

As for your foreword, well you styled it by putting up a prologue. It wasn't that relevant to your description though. I would've preferred if you provided a stronger scene. For instance, that scene where Chanyeol gave her gifts and such would've worked better if there was something that reminded her of how Jiyong somehow treated her at the past, like some sort of reminder of why she left in the first place, but at the same time, she was reminded of the vow she made in their marriage, but then again, you have to stick with your genres, which is romcom, but at the same time, you should just portray your scenes through them solely. There will be no life in a story without drama. I don't know. That was kind of what I was expecting in the first place, but nonetheless, your prologue was fine. I was glad that you didn't state the facts straight-forwardly. It was a good thing that you used Chanyeol too. Anyway, it was all fine, well except for the grammatical errors. There were a lot of run-on sentences, tense errors, some concerns with regards to ellipsis, and many more. Again, I will be providing my revised version, though I'm not requiring you to change anything.

(Original Version)
"Dara, I just wanna ask.. do I stand a chance?" Chanyeol looked at her with pleading eyes hoping for her to say 'yes'.
Chanyeol was one of Dara's suitors, he's her officemate.
She looked at the gifts that Chanyeol gave her earlier, such as chocolates, a flushie and a bouquet of her favorite flowers. But she accidentally looked at her left hand, at her ring finger.. she was wearing a 1.3 carat heart shaped diamond with two pear cut diamonds on each side. It has a golden band. It was a wedding ring..
Chanyeol looked at her ring finger, his jaw dropped.. "You have a boyfriend?"
She didn't answer his question, she smiled at him, "Chanyeol.. you're a great man. I appreciated the gifts that you gave me and the lovely words you had said earlier but.."
"That's okay!" he suddenly said stopping her while smiling at her. She knows.. he was hurt because she rejected him. But that was the right thing she should do. Afterall.. she promised her vow, she's... taken.

(Revised Version)
"Dara, I just want to ask... Do I stand a chance?" Chanyeol looked at her with pleading eyes, hoping for her to say 'yes'. Chanyeol was one of Dara's suitors. He was one of her officemates as well.
She looked at the gifts that Chanyeol had given her earlier. There were chocolates, a plushie, and a bouquet of her favorite flowers. However, she accidentally looked at her left hand, at her ring finger in particular. She was wearing a 1.3 carat heart-shaped diamond, with two pear cut diamonds on each side. It was a golden band; a wedding ring to be specific.
Chanyeol looked at her ring finger, and his jaw dropped, "You have a boyfriend?"
She didn't answer his question. She just smiled at him, "Chanyeol, you're a great man. I appreciate the gifts you gave me and the lovely words you had said earlier, but..."
"That's okay!" He suddenly said, stopping her with a smile. She knew. She knew she was hurt because she rejected him. But that was the right thing she should do. Rejection. After all, she already took a vow. She was already taken.

Now, please don't dwell with the changes I made. I'm not so proud myself of these changes. However, I do think that they sound better than the original ones. For one, you use too many ellipsis, and not only that. You put them in two dots, which is wrong. Ellipsis should always be with three dots. Three. Not two, not four, but three. Always remember that. You should also mind your tenses. You should stick with past tense. It's the standard tense for stories, anyway. Now, I also have some of my own concerns with your prologue. First of all, you stated 'flushie', which was utterly weird if I may say. I think you meant 'plushie', but you put 'flushie', which made me crack to be honest. I thought of the toilet as I read that word. Also, Chanyeol saw her ring, but he asked her if she had a boyfriend instead. Shouldn't he have asked her if she had a husband instead of simply having a boyfriend with that kind of ring?

Other than that, I think I pretty much stated everything I had to say. Again, mind your font style, size, color; basically everything. Every little detail is important in making your story more attractive and appealing. You should mind your grammar as well. Maybe most of your readers might not care; however, there are some that do. Take me as an example. I'm not specifically saying that I got turned off with your grammar, though I do tend to get turned off to a story with a lot of grammatical errors. It's just that they're too bothersome. Instead of focusing on the plot line, I tend to focus on the mistakes instead, so yeah.

 

Characterization: 6.5/10

Characterization is the way in which authors convey information about their characters. Characterization can be direct, as when an author tells readers what a character is like, or indirect, as when an author shows what a character is like by portraying his or her actions, speech, or thoughts. Descriptions of a character's appearance, behavior, interests, way of speaking, and other mannerisms are all part of characterization. For stories written in the first-person point of view, the narrator's voice, or way of telling the story, is essential to his or her characterization. In your case, you wrote it in a thirs person's point-of-view, which didn't necessarily require you to focus on their characterization. Either way, you still have to focus on their characters. Why? Because characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable.

SPEECH. You actually did well on this part. You did use dialogue to allow a character's words to reveal something important about his or her nature. However, you may have done too much. Actually, all I could remember were their dialogue. I couldn't remember much details. It would've been better if you balanced them both though. I mean, accompany those dialogue with their emotions and whatnot. You could've used their actions as a way of stating their emotions, as well as their personality.

THOUGHTS. What is revealed through the character's private thoughts and feelings? Actually, I don't remember any emphasis on their thoughts. I do remember some of their thoughts with were italicized, am I right? They're nothing much though. Some of them did reveal their feelings, but they weren't much, to the point that it didn't really reveal anything private, or surprising.

ACTIONS AND LOOKS. In terms of looks, well you did describe Jiyong, but as for the other characters, no. It would've been better if you described the other as well, more importantly, Dara, since she's one of the main characters. For instance, I would've loved it if you described the girls in the office, specifically Tiffany and Taeyeon, since they were the b*tches that always bullied Dara, right? They came out like they wanted to seduce Jiyong as well. Either way, it would've been better if you described how they looked. I mean, do they literally look better than Dara? If so, which p