Calling for my_deardiary

"Zephyr"

Author: my_deardiary

Main Characters: Oh Sehun and Xi Luhan

Genre: Family, Romance,

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
This story is about a young father, Oh Sehun, who is having his first child, telling the world how proud he is being a father. Sharing the incalculable experience in the course of his spouse, Luhan, delivered to their daughter and his feelings when he saw the pure, untainted face of the baby. No words can describe the feeling, but invaluable love in his heart.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

So, zephyr. It means a soft, gentle breeze, right? I think it somehow suits the plot; just a bit though. That kind of title can be mistaken as a fantasy-themed story. Actually, that was my first impression of your story. Zephyr is, if I'm not mistaken, the Greek god of the west winds. I know because I have read a couple of Greek mythology books before, and it was discussed before back when I was still in high school so I know. So yeah, it might be understood by some of your readers. I have to say though, the title was indeed catchy, but I think there's a better title for your story rather than that.

Anyway, always remember that the main reason why a story's title is important is because it gives off clues to something in the story, enabling the reader to understand an event in a particular way. Also, titles are used to give an idea of the style of the story, like is it to be takes seriously or as a joke. In this part, you're title kind of wavers a bit. Like I've said, the title is somehow confusing so the idea or style of the plot might not be taken seriously, and some might even be disappointed as they might expect a supernatural/fantasy story. Last is that titles neatly encapsulate the underlying idea or moral of the story. So for this one, well... I don't know. The moral of the story wasn't that visible through that title.

Overall, the title was catchy, but I think you could've chose something better that says something more about your plot/story itself. Also, I found it a tad weird that you entitled it with Zephyr when they named the baby Zephyra.

 

Graphics: 4.5/10

First of all, I admire you for making your own poster and background. They were fine I guess. You did encapsulate that angsty feeling, and the poster really said it all; the main characters, the plot, and the idea/focus, so good job. However, I don't really fancy the design. I do like the lightness and the softness of the poster, but it didn't look that appealing for me. The title wasn't that visible for me though. You could've enlarged the size of the title since there's a lot of space. The title in the poster is important as well. It's better if they immediately see the title so that your readers can relate the title with the poster's design itself, making it easier for them to get the hint of what the story's all about. Maybe it's just me though, so don't feel discouraged, although I really recommend requesting from a graphics shop instead to make sure since I didn't really like it. I'm not forcing you though. This is just my opinion.

As for the background, well, just like the poster, I didn't fancy it that much. Honestly, I would prefer your poster with a white background instead, so that the other elements of the graphics can be captured more.

Overall, I didn't really fancy your graphics. However (!), I am not convincing you to change them. The comments above were purely based on my opinions, and changing them would be your choice.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

Okay. So first of all, I'd like to discuss the dividers you used. They were cute indeed, but it didn't suit your graphics. Your poster and background looked more angst and melancholy whereas your dividers looked fluff and cute. It's a bit contradicting, yes? Anyways, it's either you choose a different poster + background, or change your dividers. I advise you to replace the poster + background though. The story is more of fluff too so it's better to stick with fluffy graphics instead.

My second issue would be your description and the short paragraph you put on your foreword. I think you should just merge the two and put it on your description instead. Why? Well, you kind of just repeated some of the words. Also, it's common to put your prologue, your author's note and your credits and other posters sth on your foreword. The short paragraph right there isn't even considered as a prologue, so I suggest merging it with your description instead.

So yeah. Here's my version of your description + foreword. There were some errors on the original one, so I might have changed some of the words. A little side note though. I am not forcing you to change anything. I just made this one out of interest. Plus, I think it sounds better than the original one.

(Revised Version) It's a gentle breeze that brought happiness to the couple Sehun and Luhan. Sehun, the father, couldn't contain his bliss of finally becoming a father. He cherished every second from the moment Luhan told him that their little fairy was growing inside him. He was scared, but at the same time, he was thankful to God for the peerless grant. The little fairy was soon to be the gentle breeze of her parents' hearts. 

~ So here, I remove a lot of words from your original description since they were confusing. For example, in your original description, you said that Sehun told the whole word how happy he was on finally becoming a father, which is basically false. The story didn't portray any scene of Sehun telling the word how happy he was. As for the grammar, there were a lot of errors, especially with regards to the tenses. Remember to stick with one tense if you're relating something from the same time frame. Remember, be consistent!

As for the credits section, do make use of the empty spaces on the sides. Also, those posters you made with different versions, you should decrease the side a bit. They're not that important in the story anyways, and they kind of took a lot of unnessary space instead.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

This section is a bit hard for me to grade since this is merely a oneshot story. Although th