Calling for Mia-Lyssa

"All I Have Is One Month"

Author: Mia-Lyssa

Main Characters: Lee Jin-Ah (oc) // Oh Sehun

Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, School life, Tragedy

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
We were friends ever since we were in dippers. We learnt to walk and talk together, we grew up together, we started school together when we were six, we went to high school together and I was there when he fell in love for the first time, when he realized what fame and fashion was, when he got into the IN crowd and started hanging out with cooler friends, when he forgot that I even existed.
But I didn’t forget about him. I didn’t forget about our friendship. I always looked at him from afar but life sure does like to play games with us…because now, I won’t even be able to watch him for much longer...

 

R/N: First of all, I apologize for the incoming typos and whatnot. I had to finish this at almost 12:30
in the morning since I officially have classes tomorrow. Other than that, I hope this review is helpful.
  Critique:

Story Title: 3.25/5

A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. Remember that titles have always been important. Everyone knows that. The problem is deciding just what constitutes a 'good' title – keeping in mind that fashions for titles change at least as frequently as fashion for shoes. Furthermore, a good title must fulfill multiple functions. It must have some relationship to the content of the story it designates. It must be notable, comparatively unique, attractive to potential readers, and nowadays, it must also work-well for on-line search engines.

First of all, your title was long. Personally, I think it was of a moderate length, although I don't think it's that notable since it was long after all. Moreover, it wasn't comparatively unique. You just used common words for your title, and it didn't sound that appealing to me as well. Now, in the word of fanfiction, it is very important that you choose a title which are catchy, intriguing, poetic, or evocative, but not necessarily informative. For instance, a good title has to be that interesting and appealing, yet at the same time, it shouldn't give out a lot of information as it would ruin the surprise and/or twists in the story. Think of it as the first step in potentially marketing your story here on Asianfanfics. I mean, your story would normally pop out of different sections here, like through your story's tags and your story's views, subscribers, and upvotes. It'd be best if your potential readers would be awed as soon as they take a glimpse of your title. Regardless of those things, your title explicit in terms of relevance. It was indeed very relevant to the story, and that 'one month' came out interesting for me since I got the idea of the main character dying after one month. On the bad side, again, it wasn't that visually appealing for me, but that's just me, so I guess all is fine. The capitalization was fine as well.

 

Graphics: 5/10

Okay. So first of all, your poster was relatively larger than normal posters I've seen before, but I guess it'd be fine if the elements on it are well-placed, right? I'm a bit hesitant on grading this section since it'd be based mostly on my opinion, so please don't dwell on my words, okay? I won't be that strict in this section though, mainly because you weren't the one who made it in the first place, and I'm not a pro in graphic designs. Okay, let's start. First of all, the expressions on their faces didn't really match the theme of the story. From the title and the description themselves, I could already tell that this is a sad/angst story, whereas the girl would be suffering from some sickness before dying in one month, right? In that case, would've it be more appropriate for the girl to have a crest-fallen expression instead. I mean, it would've been better if some of her emotions were portrayed through the poster. She looked a bit happy too since she was slightly smiling. However, even if the story ends with her being happy in the end, it would be better if the poster had that sad vibe to lead the readers on. Not only that, it would also capture the main genres of the story.

The title placement was a bit weird as well. First of all, there was a quote placed above it, and it was of a lighter yet a bit close to the title's font size. In that case, your readers might mistook it as a part of your title. It would've been better if that quote was enclosed with quotation marks as well, and with a smaller font size at that. It would've been better as well if the title wasn't cut in half, with the other half placed slightly below it. I think it would look better if it was in one line, to which is aligned at the center. It could be divided as well, but aligning it in the center would be a better idea for me since the other elements are relatively darker than the title itself. Other than that, I guess you have to fix the background as well. The colors within it didn't match nor complement the poster itself. The background was actually what concerned me the most. I mean, it was of a violet-kind of color, whereas your poster was set on monochrome. They didn't match together at all. Plus, the background had some sort of a clock. There wasn't relevance at all. It would've made more sense if the poster contained a clock or some sort as well. I would've preferred a dull black or white background instead, with a simple title placed on it, and the author's name, or your username, with it.

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. In your case, well I think the description was of the right amount of information to be said. It didn't really gave off a lot of information that needed, rather it only evoked the Jinah's emotions more, making the readers, like me, to understand her feelings better. It gave us a bit of a background information of the sub-conflicts as well, like how she'll fight with life along with her conflicts with her ex-best friend. It also made me curious as to what really happened in the past as well.

Now, let's talk about the grammatical errors. Your description didn't contain that much grammatical and typographical error to be honest. There were just too much redundancy among your sentences, especially with the 'when phrases'. You also had some errors with ellipsis. Remember to place a space after the three dots. Remember to use it only when necessary as well. For instance, if it wasn't necessary to end it with an ellipsis, then don't. The last sentence of the first paragraph was ended with an ellipsis. I think it would be better if you ended it with a period instead, since the sentence didn't require that much anticipation of events. Also, it was a bit weird that the speaker was speaking to the audience at the first paragraph, and then it jumped to speaking directly at Sehun at the proceeding lines. I think you should enclose those lines with quotation marks, just to prevent further confusion among your readers.

I will be providing my own revised version, but do not dwell on my revision though. They are changed mainly because I think my revision sounds better to be honest. Again, there are just based on my opinion, so please, don't feel discouraged.

(Revised Version) We were friends ever since we were in diapers. We both learned to walk and talk together. We grew up together, started school when we were six, and went to high school together. I was there when he fell in love for the first time, when he realized what fame and fashion were, when he started hanging out with cooler friends and when he forgot that I even existed; but I didn’t forget about him. I didn’t forget about our friendship. I had always looked at him from afar, but life sure does like to play games with us, because now, I won’t even be able to watch him for much longer.

"Why don’t you talk and pay attention to me anymore? Have you forgotten that I used to be your best friend? What happened to those times we used to spend together? Will you even notice me when I’m gone? Will you even miss me?"

I changed a lot of things for my revision. First of all, I tried correcting most of the tense errors. There were only a few of them though. I tried removing some of the redundant words as well, but I think I kind of failed. Personally, I'm not that proud of my revision, but I do think that it sounds better than the original work, although it's still your final decision that is evident until the end. I also enclosed the last lines with quotation marks. I italicized them as well to make it more obvious that it's a dialogue. I also removed the ellipsis that you've put in your first paragraph and replaced them with a period and a comma respectively. I also placed some commas before your conjunctions. Again, I am absolutely not requiring you to change anything. My revision is just based on what I think would be better and whatnot, so please don't feel discouraged.

Now, let's head to the physical appearance of your main page. First of all, all pictures are of a relatively large size. It's not that I'm against with the size or anything of the matter. It's just that it would look a bit better if they were of a normal size. Those picture dividers you put were too large. They weren't really that important anyway, so I think it would be best to decrease them by size. I think it would be better if you remove Sehun's and the OC's picture at the beginning of your description. It kind of ruined the mood actually. I mean, there's no need to put those pictures in the first place, since the characters were already known from the poster itself. The slightly author's note-slash-information you've put below those pictures should be put on your foreword as well. Remember to put the more important details first before the supporting ones. For instance, start your description with the actual brief summary of your story. Then proceed with the character introduction if you want, but I'm not recommending it on this one since this is a short fiction. Then with your foreword, you could maybe start it with a prologue, some quotes, or a brief elaboration of your description. Other than that, you could begin it with the author's note or something, and then with the credits and acknowledgements. Use a fancier font as well for your text to make them look 'fancier' and visually appealing. The additional posters placed on the credits section should be of a smaller size as well. Remember not to focus on sections such as credits that much since they're not that important.

Other than that, I also had a problem with your author's note. You placed a warning there, right? I think it would be best if you remove it. You kind of hinted that the story will end with a sad ending. And with those type of words, you already said yourself that the OC will die in the end since that was what the story meant in the first place. It would turn off most of your readers as well since I know most of us don't want a sad ending. Removing it would make more anticipation for your potential readers as well. I mean, they would read it regardless, since they don't know what will happen in the story itself.

 

Characterization: 9/10

Characterization is the way in which authors convey information about their characters. Characterization can be direct, as when an author tells readers what a character is like, or indirect, as when an author shows what a character is like by portraying his or her actions, speech, or thoughts. Descriptions of a character's appearance, behavior, interests, way of speaking, and other mannerisms are all part of characterization. For stories written in the first-person point of view, the narrator's voice, or way of telling the story, is essential to his or her characterization.

First of all, I would like to congratulate you for relaying your story in a first person's point-of-view explicitly. It was well done indeed. Jinah's personality and emotions were well-relayed, to the point that most of the scenes came out realistic and believable. In short fictions like yours, who tells the story and how it is told are critical issues for an author to decide. The tone and feel of the story, and even its meaning, can change radically depending on who is telling the story. You executed the story flawlessly through the POV you chose. I mean, a first person's point-of-view is in use when a character narrates the story with I-me-my-mine in his or her speech. The advantage of this point of view is that you get to hear the thoughts of the narrator and see the world depicted in the story through his or her eyes. However, remember that no narrator, like no human being, has complete self-knowledge or, for that matter, complete knowledge of anything. Therefore, the reader's role is to go beyond what the narrator says. You really did use it as your advantage. Through that POV, you explained Jinah's emotions thoroughly, yet at the same time, the other characters were also developed. Although the other characters weren't that much discussed, it was fine since the story revolved in Jinah's character, and it would be weird to relay a story like this in a third person's POV since there'd be less limitations, thus it might cause a few confusion among your readers.

An important component of modern fiction is characterization. Historically, realistic characterization has only intermittently been considered an essential part of good writing; in eras when allegory and didacticism become more important than realism, characterization generally goes out the window. What does characterization do for a story? In a nutshell, it allows us to empathize with the protagonist and secondary characters, and thus feel that what is happening to these people in the story is vicariously happening to us; and it also gives us a sense of verisimilitude, or the semblance of living reality. An important part of characterization is dialogue, for it is both spoken and inward dialogue that afford us the opportunity to see into the characters' hearts and examine their motivations. In your case, well you didn't necessarily focus on their dialogue; however, their emotions were still executed well, to the point that they were relatable. For instance, Jinah's emotions were well explained and described. 

Now, since your story was dramatic and a bit based on real life, it's important for you to choose details that make real or fictional characters seem life-like and individual. First of all, you could tell the reader directly what a character's personality is like. A perfect example for this one is Oh Sehun himself. His character was directly described at the second chapter, whereas he was introduced as the typical cocky and arrogant bastard that started off as Jinah's best friend, but he got influenced with his peers, hence his change of character. It was a great move to be honest, since his character was a bit developed as the plot progressed, like how he changed after he and Jinah got closer than before.

You also managed to describe your character's appearance and manner, although this part was a bit lacking though. Actually, I was looking the characters' detailed appearance. For instance, if Sehun was the typical jock of the school, then how did he wear his uniform. Was he the rebel-type of student? Or was he the opposite yet he was still cocky. On the other hand, it was extremely important to describe Jinah's appearance as well, considering that she was already close to death, and that would mean that her appearance would've looked worse than before. Actually, I've got a bit of an issue here. I mean, if she was already dying, then she would've had a cycle of changes with her appearance. For instance, there are specific changes that would be made to leukemia patients; moreover to those who are already close to dying.