Calling for sushi_sykes

"noona neomu yeppeo"

Author: sushi_sykes

Main Characters: Ryu Geumhee (OC), Kim "Ravi" Wonshik, B.A.P

Genre: Angst, Drama, Mystery

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
She was their number one fan.
He was her number one stalker.
Twelve girls murdered in the last two months.
The Slasher is out for a meal; and she's the main course.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 1/5

In all honesty, I don't fancy your title. It's too common; plus, you didn't capitalize it. "Noona Neomu Yeppeo" is one of Shinee's songs right? When I first saw your title, I thought it was a fic about Shinee. It turned out I was wrong since it was an OCxBAP fic. This might cause some misunderstandings between your readers, and it may slightly cause disappointment since they might expect Shinee to be one of your main characters. Anyway, yeah. I don't really like your title. I understand that that line is very relevant to the story, but it just seems like it doesn't fit your story. This is a suspense-slash-thriller fic after all. It might be best to replace it with a strong yet appealing title, for example: A Hidden Obsession, After You, Closer and Closer; something like thses. These are just my examples. I know they , but I think they sound better than yours.

Here are some tips I'd like to share to you, in case you want to change your title:

(1) Make sure your title is easy to remember. Help readers out by making the title of your work memorable. You could use an alliteration, like a poem-type of title. Have you ever noticed that poetry is easier to memorize than prose? You could also make a short title, although in a way, this isn't always true, but I think it's best to try and keep a title to four words or less.

(2) Make it interesting. In a way, many of the same things that can be said about what makes a character interesting can also be said about titles. You can make it via contradictory qualities such as "War and Peace," or "True Lies." You can also make it by being descriptive. If you could make the descriptive title imply an action so much the better. Of course, again, that's much easier said than done. For example: Gone with the wind

(3) Make sure the title indicates the genre. Of course this is important. In your case, this is a romcom-slash-schoollife, right? Make sure the title fits these genres.

S o u r c e  ( x )

I know that there's high possibility rate that you won't change your title, and I'm not saying that you should change it either. You did say that this is an entry for a writing contest after all; they might not allow a change of titles. The posters are done with this title as well so I know that it'll be hrd to change it. If you really can't change it, just capitalize your title. It'll turn out like this: "Noona Neomu Yeppeo." It looks more presentable than your lowercased title.

 

Graphics: 7/10

You poster did somehow came out appealing for me; however, it look like an action-themed poster for me. The way B.A.P were lined up like they're some gangsters and how the girl at the side was looking bewildered, it somehow gave me the feeling that this is an action story, or at least I think it is. It did somehow came out as a suspense/thriller poster though. 

If you ask me, I'd prefer the poster you put at the prolouge. It suits your story more simply because of the police line or caution tape or whatever you call it. It somehow reflects your foreword. You did state that 12 girls were murdered; that's why I think it suits the story more.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

For the font you used for your description and foreword, I'd prefer if you used the font you used for the chapters instead. It looks more presentable. You should try increasing the font instead, preferably size 14. It's too small for me, sorry. A little tip though. For your description, you could try using the font courier. It works well with suspense/thriller stories.

Your description was fine I guess, although I think there's something wrong with it. Maybe it's because it lacks something? I'm not so sure, although I like the fact that you didn't gave out that much information, and it somehow increases the interest of your readers. Or maybe it's because you jumped from point to point. The lines weren't that much connected. The first two lines were somehow connected, and it sounded nice. However, if you read the third line after the first two, it would sound like you jumped to another topic. Err.. it's quite hard to explain, but I hope you're getting my point here. It's like you're talking about her being the number one fan, and "him" being her number one stalker, then you jumped to twelve girls who were murdered in the last two months, then you jumped to the slasher. They weren't somehow connected, although I got your point. That sneek peak in your foreword is effective though, as it did heighten my interest.

Anyway, the third line would make more sense if it was like this: "Twelve girls were murdered in the last two months." 

A little tip though: why not use some dividers? I usually use them to make my story more attractive. In your case, it would add more effects for your description/foreword, especially the author's note. Instead of a horizontal line, use a divider.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

Suspense is like many other important elements of fiction writing -- it should come out of the characters as well as the plot. If you're not comfortable with the ways your characters are acting, then that's a sure sign that something is wrong. It could be a logic hole in the plot, or maybe you have to work on your characters.

Keep in mind that not all characters will react to anxiety and crises in the same way. Spend some time figuring out how characters react to suspense, anxiety, and fear. Try to avoid the usual descriptions, such as "her pulse raced..." If you're at a loss for descriptions, remember the last time something scary happened to you. What happens when Geumhee stepped on the breaks and her car tried to skid? Did her stomach feel like a brick? Did she shriek, or swear? Or did she steer herself out of the skid and only respond to the stress after she was safe? Use those experiences to color your characters' reactions. In your case, you should try to find an interesting way to evoke Geumhee's feelings as she approaches the Slasher. Make sure that it comes out interesting. Remember, not everyone reacts the same way. For that matter, not all suspenseful situations are the same.

For Geumhee, well I didn't really find her personalities unique. She's a bit clumsy, considering how she leaves her balcony door open as the slasher easily snuck inside her room. It would've been better if you built her personality as strong and hard to pursue, like her being skeptical and all, making sure that she was safe all the time. For example, her apartment was too secured that the slasher had a hard time sneaking in, but nonetheless, he successfully got in despite the difficulty since he was that professional in that field.

For the slasher, well let's just assume that he's any member of B.A.P. It would've been better if you explained how he can sneak to Geunhee's house despite his busy schedule (since