Calling for bts_kimtaehyung

"Blind Heirs"

Author: bts_kimtaehyung

Main Characters: Kim Yoojung (OC), Baekhyun, Kim Woobin

Genre: Angst

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
A story of a blind girl who is rich but her eyes is blind because of depression.
The only thing that she can do to live in this cruel world is listening and hearing from both of her ears.
The only thing she do love is to play piano. It describes her feelings whenever she played it.
She was not blind before her parents were killed by a murderer.
She was adopted by a rich family but they never treat her like she is their real daughter .  
But what if a guy comes to her life and change her life?
When she had smiled and have a good times with him
Why do the guy have to leave her?

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

First of all, I think we may have a problem with the literal meaning of your title. It's a bit weird, since you made the noun plural. You made it as 'Blind Heirs', meaning that there were heirs that were blind, and not just one, which I'm definitely sure is Soojung since she's the blind one in the story. I don't think Baekhyun would be blind as well though. Assuming that you really based the general plot of this story to Jin's Gone MV, then that'd mean that Soojung is the only one blind, right? If so, please change the title to 'The Blind Heir' instead. Now that would make more sense. As for the uniqueness, well it's not exactly unique since there's nothing really special with the words you used, but the title itself is intriguing. As for the relevance of that title with the overall story, well I guess it is relevant, but it's not that strong though. In my opinion, you need something that can help you differentiate your work with others, and since your plot is a bit cliche, you could at least take one step ahead through your title. But then again, that's your choice. The title didn't fully satisfy me though.

A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. Remember that titles have always been important. Everyone knows that. The problem is deciding just what constitutes a 'good' title – keeping in mind that fashions for titles change at least as frequently as fashion for shoes. Furthermore, a good title must fulfill multiple functions. It must have some relationship to the content of the story it designates. It must be notable, comparatively unique, attractive to potential readers, and nowadays, it must also work-well for on-line search engines.

 

Graphics: 6/10

Actually, I didn't fancy your poster. I do notice the relevance of the genres to your graphics, but then again, I wasn't physically attracted. First of all, it would've been better if their sizes for decreased; just a bit though. Baekhyun was a bit bigger than the girl, and it would've been better if they were at the same size. The positioning was a bit off as well. I would've preferred it better if they were facing the opposite direction. That would make it look more dramatic. The girl's expression wasn't believable as well. She was just wearing a poker face. I would've preferred if the sad look on her face was more prominent. Baekhyun's expression though was acceptable. I mean, you did say that he was a bit cold-hearted, so that little frown on his face was fine. As for the main color used which is light blue, well I don't exactly fancy it, although the animations was that of snow, right? Well, is the setting of your story in the winter? That might be considered as a critical point since it did look of snow, and it would contradict your story if the peak of the story, or rather all of the scenes, didn't incorporate any of snow. It would be better if there was a hidden meaning behind snow as well, like Baekhyun leaving her in winter of something, to which her emotions were of the winter; she felt cold. Well, that's deep, but that's my opinion.

As for the background, well kudos to you for having a complementing background, but the title wasn't readable. It was rather cut in half, and I was only able to read 'Bli'. It would've been better if all the text were visible. Other than that, I have no other issues with your graphics. I suggest requesting for another though. It really didn't attract me. Plus, I think it would be best if your poster looks fancy since the story involves heirs, so the characters should look rich and whatnot.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Descriptions and forewords are important factors since you are mainly marketing/attracting your potential readers into reading your story. A description is your chance to speak directly to your readers about why you wrote the story, what it’s about, and why it’s important. As it is an introduction to your story, a description should include information about the plot. For instance, you should give a brief description of the story; the main characters, or themes. Give just enough to get the reader interested in reading more; don’t give anything away. Make sure your description fits all the elements of your story. I've read stories before wherein their description was indeed interesting, but once I read the story, I was disappointed because it wasn't connected, and it really didn't match my expectations. Make it sound as unique as possible. It's what usually readers are after once they visit your story, so if your description is more than enough to attract them, they might read your story. You should also describe the story along with the characters. Remember not to put too much information as it may ruin the surprise/twist of the story. Basically, the description is a short summary of the story itself; however, it is what comes out of the listing pages here on AFF, so it's better to make it as unique as possible so readers would be attracted into reading it.

(Original Version) A story of a blind girl who is rich but her eyes is blind because of depression. The only thing that she can do to live in this cruel world is to listen from both ears. The only thing she loves to do is play the piano because she can release her true emotions. When her parents were still alive, she did not have to suffer from being blind. She was adopted by a rich family, but they never treated her like their own. What if one day, someone comes into her life to change it for the better? Where she could smile and have good times with him? Where she could smile and have good times with him? What if he would leave her? What if a cold-hearted man were to fall in love with her?
       ~> P.S. I didn't divide them since it would take a lot of space.

(Revised Version) This is a story of a blind girl who was rich but her eyes were blind because of depression. The only thing she could do to live in this cruel world was to listen from both ears. The only thing she loved to do was to play the piano because she could release her true emotions through it. When her parents were still alive, she did not have to suffer from being blind. She was adopted by a rich family, but they never treated her like their own. What if one day, someone comes into her life to change it for the better? Will she be able to smile and have good times with him? What will happen if he leaves her? What if a cold-hearted man were to fall in love with her?

First of all, your lines were confusing. Not only that, there were tense errors everywhere. You tend to jump from one tense to another. Remember to change your tense only when necessary. At the beginning of that description, you were, like, stating that this was a memoire or something, so it's only right to mention those lines in past tense. For the proceeding questions though, you were asking them as if it were to happen today and in the future, hence that tense. I also revised some words since they sounded wrong. As for the meaning of that summary, well I think some parts were unreasonable. First of all, you stated that she became blind due to depression. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what I know, a person wouldn't become blink all of a sudden even if he was depressed, well that is, if he did something to his eye or if he did have a poor eyesight to begin with. Well, that case would be explained further in the story though so I think I'll have to wait and see. The proceeding statement was a bit weird as well. You stated that the only thing she could do to live was to listen through her ears. Well, she has her other sense, right? That goes my reasoning, but yeah. I just found it weird. As for the format, well, you could just put them simply with those alignments and spacing since it looks messy and scattered. I suggest putting them all in lines, remove all the spacings, then align them all in the center. That would remove the unnecessary space it took, plus, it'd be easy to read through it since there's less trouble of scrolling down just to read it through.

One the other hand, a foreword is a usually short piece of writing sometimes placed below your description. Typically written by someone other than the primary author of the story, it often tells of some reason as to why the author wrote the story. It is written by the author of the story and generally covers on how the story came into being or how the idea for the story was developed, and may include thanks and acknowledgments to people who were helpful to the author during the time of writing (credits). Also, as much as possible, avoid putting unnecessary words like "OMG! My first story eva! Please read and support this story! Thank you!" I think it's a bit unprofessional. Try putting something like how you came up with the story. Try explaining some deep words you may have used in the story, how you came up with this plot in the first place, and what inspired you into writing this story; however, there are no hard and fast rules about forewords, so there’s room to be creative and have fun! On the good side, it's your decision as to what you want to put in your author's note so it all goes to your hands.

As for the foreword, well I have no major concerns with it except the spacing. It was really disturbing since it took a lot of unnecessary space. You should also try sticking with a simple black font. The gray font you used was too light, and it was a bit hard to read it since it wasn't that visible. As for the character chart, well there wasn't any need of it actually, but you could request for a single and an actual character chart from graphic shops so it'd contain all the characters you want to place at the foreword. It would lessen the space as well since it's only one picture. Other than that, I have no other concerns.

 

Characterization: 5/10

Characterization is a crucial part of making a story compelling. In order to interest and move readers, characters need to seem real. Authors achieve this by providing details that make characters individual and particular. Good characterization gives readers a strong sense of characters' personalities and complexities; it makes characters vivid, alive and believable. In your case, it is very important that your the scenes coming from your story are believable since there was a lot of drama, and more of your scenes were realistic since there are people who are suffering from blindness, and it's a bit