Calling for yeppeunina

"Hell Class"

Author: yeppeunina

Main Characters: Sunmi (OC) and EXO (no specific member yet :DD)

Genre: Angst, Drama, Fantasy/Supernatural, School Life

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
I'm Han Sunmi...
just a normal highschool student in a... not-so-normal school.
Why?
My classmates have supernatural powers. Yes.
I might sound crazy but I saw them do it with my own two eyes. They scared the hell out of me when they used their powers to me. Not just once, not just twice but countless times. I wanted to leave but there's something stopping me. Like, I need to know everything even it takes a lot of risks.
I don't know what they are. But sometimes... I feel like I'm one of them. I feel like I also have supernatural powers hidden inside me. Or am I getting too carried away?
Well, it all started on that day.
My first day in "hell class".    

    Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

There is a direct correlation between the title and the plot. It’s not the most unique of the titles and sounds slightly generic. But hey, there is a correlation and that’s what mostly matters. But mind you, there are some opportunities to be a little metaphoric and deep with your title based on the type of plot you have. It creates an intensifying effect if the title is metaphoric and deep.

 

Graphics: 7/10

Your background suits the story well but your poster doesn’t convey the ‘Hell Class’ vibe if you know what I mean. I noticed that your story has two posters because as soon as I clicked on the first chapter, a different poster came to view (but it’s not a poster that has been consistently used).

Your actual poster for the story is decent but it doesn’t suit your story. When we image hell, we think of hot colors such as black, red and orange. Flames, sparks and an uncivilized atmosphere is also present in the typical image of ‘Hell’. But your poster shows the complete opposite, it shows a civilized atmosphere and a palette full of earthy, cold colors. In other words, a complete opposite of what ‘Hell’ is. It doesn’t convey the message of the title and your story.

I prefer the second poster (in Chapter 1) because that’s exactly what the image of hell is. The use of textures, ripped paper stocks and the red-cyan effect used on the renders helped the poster create an uncivilized feel and is more suitable for the story. It would be nicer to consistently use the second poster in my opinion.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

In all honesty, the description was anti-climatic. You gave away too much information on the front page. And that was the main reason why it was anti-climatic. Sadly, the description didn’t excite me. I would omit part where you mention Sunmi’s classmates have supernatural powers because she herself doesn’t even know until she sees it all in front of her. Like what I mentioned on the title, lots of metaphoric, deep and coded language would be really nice since it fits the vibe of your story; mysterious and supernatural.

This is just a rough suggestion but feel free to work from here if you do consider my advice:

(Foreword - Original)
I'm Han Sunmi...
just a normal highschool student in a... not-so-normal school.
Why?
My classmates have supernatural powers. Yes.
I might sound crazy but I saw them do it with my own two eyes. They scared the hell out of me when they used their powers to me. Not just once, not just twice but countless times. I wanted to leave but there's something stopping me. Like, I need to know everything even it takes a lot of risks.
I don't know what they are. But sometimes... I feel like I'm one of them. I feel like I also have supernatural powers hidden inside me. Or am I getting too carried away?
Well, it all started on that day.
My first day in "hell class".    

(Edited)
Two steps in to my new class and I could already feel the dark miasma clinging to me, suffocating me. I could see it with my own two eyes. I could sense it. The boys all have the gaze of a hungry wolf, ready to devour me like their prey. The girls had softer gazes but I knew this wasn’t the case. They were ready to cast me into a spell. My knees trembled, heart beating faster by the second and breaths turning into silent pants. Paranoia started to creep inside me, turning on the sirens inside my head. As much as I feel like this place ring warning bells inside of me, why do I feel a sense of belonging here?
I’m Han Sunmi and this is my first day in “Hell Class”.

The changes I made are straightforward. I gave away less information and focused the descriptions more on Sunmi. I tried to cut out the information that blatantly correlates to their ‘supernaturalness’… if you know what I mean. Foreshadowing their supernatural abilities would create suspense and mysterious feel. The last thing you’d ever want to do when writing a description is summing up your whole plot.

The small excerpt in the foreword is not necessarily needed since this also aids in giving away the plot, ruining the surprise. I would either make the excerpt smaller to just three sentences or remove it all together.

 

Characterization: 5/10

First two chapters are okay. Sunmi’s character is explained decently fine and Kai is explained well enough too (even though he is a minor character). But the rest of the characters are just thrown straight to the reader. Majority of the minor characters lacked description and are only written to push the story forwa