Calling for Anjaaay

"As Long as You're Here"

Author: Anjaaay

Main Characters: Barom Yu (Rome of CClown) and OC (reader)

Genre: Family, Fluff

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
The fact was that Barom was an impulsive, moody and arrogant person. He wasn’t that intense when you were young, but his flaws grew with his body and mind. Well, nobody is perfect. Rome, that’s how you called him, was smart, polite and very good looking; he couldn’t be nice as well. But the rare moments when he was taking care of you, those precious moments, were those who made your heart beat the hardest.

 

      From yeolwho05: I'm so sorry for the late review, but here it is~ Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

"As Long as You're Here" is kind of common title for me. For one, if you try to search it in search engines, you'll see a lot of stories with nearly the same title as yours, and that alone kind of destroyed your story's chance of originality and official marketing. One of the most important roles of a title is it's power to make your readers remember your story through memorable titles. Most readers like sophisticated titles, wherein sometimes it sounds so weird that you'll kind of get some LSS. That's what most authors want to happen though. Nevertheless, the point of view never disappointed. It was a good thing that the title used a second person's point of view as it was consistent with the POV used in the actual story. That's definitely a plus.

It was a meaningful title as well, though I'm not sure that it was 'that' meaningful. I didn't feel the relevane of the title as well with the plot. I guess there's still something lacking, and maybe... just maybe, that there might be a better title for your story. I mean, think about it. Your story was of fluff, and your title sounded too... romantic and angsty. If you want to stick with fluff, use a corny, or maybe a cheesy yet not so corny title. I guess that'll be fine, though the final decision will always be yours. I'm not forcing you to change your title as well. It all falls upon your hands.

 

Graphics: 7.5/10

The poster was fine and simple. However, I have a bit of an issue with the cutting-something (I don't know how it's called) for the characters. If you look closely, the smaller Bora at the bottom had a weird hand. Did you see it? At first, I thought that it was all because of my poor eyesight, but as I looked closer, I saw that it was an error with the cutting part. If you could fix that, then that'd be wonderful. Nevertheless, the poster's fine, although I'm not sure if it really matches the theme of the story. The plot was of fluff, so I was expecting a more colorful poster. For one, I don't understand why you used that lighter shade of green as the main color. For two, I take it as you designed the poster? Well, I don't understand why you put two Boras in the poster as well. I guess you could say that I didn't fancy it that much since it didn't really match the genre, though I guess it's doable.

What I liked though is the fact that it matches the color scheme of the lay-out. That's a plus since it'd be totally weird if your poster and your lay-out were of different colors. It wouldn't actually complement the mood of the story, and it wouldn't be that visually attractive. Here's a bit of the negative side though. The lay-out used for the description was a bit... out of place. For instance, it would've looked better if it was aligned at the center, matching the poster's alignment. Moreover, it looked more like a profile lay-out instead of a story lay-out. I'm not that sure though, but I guess putting up a lay-out would make it look less dull, though I'm pretty sure that 'that lay-out' might cause confusion, or so I think. Anyway, the lay-out used for the actual chapter was fine though. I mean, it matched the color scheme of the poster, and that's totally cool.

All in all, everything's fine except those concerns that I have mentioned beforehand. I also wanted to point out that you no longer need a background, in my opinion. The base color used for the chapter's lay-out was enough to make it look less dull, and putting up a background might put too much colors in one page, so I think you're good.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

I might have to correct some of the grammatical errors that can be found in your description. First of all, you have to make sure that there are minimal mistakes in your description, since most readers read them to base on whether to read further or not. Moreover, you have to make sure that it's really appealing to the point that it will drive those potential readers into finishing off your story. Anyway, I provided my own revision, as seen below.

(Original Version) The fact was that Barom was an impulsive, moody and arrogant person. He wasn’t that intense when you were young, but his flaws grew with his body and mind. Well, nobody is perfect. Rome, that’s how you called him, was smart, polite and very good looking; he couldn’t be nice as well. But the rare moments when he was taking care of you, those precious moments, were those who made your heart beat the hardest.

(Revised Version) The fact was that Barom was an impulsive, a moody and an arrogant person. He wasn’t that intense when you were young, but his flaws grew together with his body and mind. Well, nobody is perfect. Back then, Rome—that’s how you call him—was smart, polite and very good looking. Now, he couldn’t be nice at all. However, those rare moments when he took care of you were those which made your heart beat the hardest.

Okay, so I might have change things up a bit at the illustration above. I changed your adjective phrases, as seen above, to which I will no longer discuss. How, I replaced those commas with dashes, mainly because it would be better for an interruption in a statement. Furthermore, the last sentence was changed as well due to redundancy. As your case see, a certain phrase was redundant, so I took it out and made it simpler. Now, do no dwell on my revision. This is basically on me, so please, do understand that I am absolutely not forcing you to change anything. I hope that's clear.

I don't think I have to discuss anymore since I've pretty much said it all. As a tip though. I do recommend changing the lay-out for your description. I highly think that it's a profile lay-out, considering the placement of each section. I just know it. I think you should use something similar to that lay-out you used for your chapter. That way, it would look as if everything's organized and well-complemented. I was looking for an author's note or maybe some sneak peek to heighten the surprise as well, but didn't find any. Well, it is your decision though, but I do think that the information provided at your main page is lacking.

 

Characterization: 7/10

The main character, which was actually 'me', was a bit emotional if you ask me. I have nothing against that personality though. It