Calling for teukie_zeroed

"Forlorn"

Author: teukie_zeroed

Main Characters: Kris and Hani

Genre: Drama, Romance

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
It's a one shot; about a girl hani volunteering in a hospital where Kris is admitted in.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

I like your title. Simple, deep, yet one word. It was very much relevant to your one-shot, and an enjoyable short story like yours might not be read by a lot of people, but it might get some attention because of your title. You title wasn't that unique. A technique I use is by searching your title on Google, and ua-la, bunch of stories with the same title as yours popped up. I'm not really against common titles. Heck, there isn't even a rule that you can't use an existing title anymore. The thing is, titles are not copyrighted, so you may see several stories with the same title. Avoid choosing one that’s already identified with a story in your genre as it may suggest yours is not original, or be confusing to readers. Keep in mind that a controversial title may attract some people but will possibly discourage some from reading the book, and aim for originality without purposely antagonizing your potential audience. An effective title should be interesting, convey the tone or central idea of the story, and be easy to remember. 

On the other hand, I still think you did a good job with your title since it is eye-catching. Plus, it really does say something about the idea of the story. You title wasn't dull. It's appropriate and easy to remember.

 

Graphics: 5.5/10

As expected, your poster was amazing. It was edited exemplary, although it doesn't match the genre. Based on the title and your description, shouldn't your poster be angsty? Maybe you can put it as one of your tags.

My only issue with the characters is that it would've been better if they weren't smiling to emphasize your title, "Forlorn," being sad or lonely, or alone. The colors are too bright as well, seeing that the story is pretty much angsty. This is just my opinion, but I prefer a portrait poster as well instead of a landscaped one. You could've made it a bit more angsty too.

On the bad side, well, I would have given you a higher grade if you had a background complementing your poster. Your poster wouldn't be seen by your readers all the time, but if you have a background, it would add more effects for your story and it would add more color and life, making your story more attractive, I guess. The simple white background seems too dull and boring, right? Since you made the poster yourself, I think it's easy for you to make your background.

 

Description and Foreword: 4/10

Your description was too short that it only contains one sentence, but it's quite understandable since this is a oneshot after all. I would have preferred it you elaborated on what the story is all about. I kind of expected something mind-blowing and exciting, but still, that sentence was interesting and it kind of raised my interest, but that's only because of the slightly prolouge you put at your foreword. Remember that a great description helps the reader to build a fully formed picture in their mind’s eye; to understand what your character is going through and how the character sees his or her world.  It creates a sense of the whole scene.

Oh, before we start, I would just like to point out the characters you put. "Kris l You" This isn't a You fic, right? If it is, then you could've relayed the story in a second person's point of view, but you didn't. You did that chapter with a third person's POV, so I suggest replacing You with Hani. 

Next is the prolouge. It definitely was interesting. Your choice of words were exemplary, and from the moment I read it, I was simply captivated into reading the rest of the story. There were some errors here and there though, so I suggest fixing it. Also, remove the space you put in between "Foreword" and the prolouge you put. It was kind of distracting, and since Foreword is kind of the name of that section, you're removing the importance of that title. If you did it because you want it to be separated from the description, then place those spaces on the description instead, after the sentence.

This is my version of your foreword by the way. I would just like to say that I am not forcing you to change anything. This is just based on my opinion and simply because I think it sounds better. Sorry if I offended you in any way.

Foreword:

In a world that usually feeds us with everything we wanted to have, sacrifice has become a word not ofter heard by many. Sacrifice, meaning something given up or lost. Why is it that when we heard the word sacrifice, sad thoughts come along? Why is forlorn the brother word for sacrifice anyway? Is it always losing something or someone? Or perhaps, giving up something or someone? When people hear this word, they become afraid of something being away from them in an instant. We will always have to accept the fact that something will be lost or will be given up eventually. However, Hani believes that sacrifice is a success; an accomplishment of being able to give up something she have been holding onto for so long. Just like what he did. He sacrificed himself to save her. And now where everything is not the same, she decided to sacrifice something in order to save him, to be with him, to never leave him again. Why? Because sometimes, sacrifice is not about that thing or person you lost of given up. It's about the courage you built in order to be brave and to give up someone you love more than yourself.

Here, I used the third person's POV. Like I've said awhile ago, you delivered the story using the third person's POV, so to be consistent, use that format as well for your foreword, or if you want, you can put Hani's POV or simply Hani above the foreword to make it more clear. I'm not quite proud with this one, and I'm so sorry if I just made it messier. Sorry. I'll go now.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

Your story was character-driven. In character-driven stories, characterization is all-important. It has been said that 'character is conflict'. This means that the conflict in the story comes out from who your character is and what they do. Characters should come across to the reader as real people with whom they can identify. That means that what the character thinks, feels, and does should feel to the reader like how a real person thinks, feels, and acts. I think you did quite well in this part. Characterization is just as important in a oneshot as it is in a chaptered story. You just have less space to do it in. You have to be very efficient with your use of words. Make them do double or triple duty. Short stories may seem easier to write because they are short, but they are, in fact, very difficult to write well.

Hani and Kris' personalities were well said. It's a bit typical though, like how Kris would shoo Hani away with being arrogant and all. You could've elaborated and described a bit more, not only the characters' personalities, but the way they dress, their surroundings, the atmosphere, etc. as well. That being said, the story will get more realistic for your readers since they can imagine the scenes themselves as you explain the details.

 

Plot: 28/40

A story isn't interesting without a plot. It is what draws readers closer into the story. It is what makes a story. The theme, the meaning and the message all comes across via plot. Characterization comes across via plot; plot is a vehicle for characters to demonstrate their natures. The more interesting the plot is, the more your readers will continue reading your story. In your case, the plot sure was interesting. It wasn't unique, and I'm pretty I've read a story like this before. There were some scenes where I got bored. Like I've said before, the plot was a bit cliche for me, that's why I can predict some scenes.

I think you didn't put too m