Calling for Queensabelle

"Unimpeachable Fugitive: Rebirth"

Author: Queensabelle

Main Characters: Choi Byeol (OC), Lu Han, Se Hun, Krystal and Victoria

Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, Friendship, Mystery, Romance

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
There’s a price to pay when you commit yourself in a crime.
It’s either death penalty or spending the rest of your life in prison.

Losing both her parents and the love of her life was hard.
Being called a ‘thief’ by the whole nation didn't make her life any better.
Changing her identity at least helped in finding a job.

23-year-old Jageun who was now known as Choi Byeol, is searching high and low.
She's now taking the risk in finding her first love who lost contact with her all of a sudden.

    Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

Since I already reviewed your title from my past review (for your prequel), the same ideas apply. However, I'm not really a fan of adding a few words in the title to create a series, most especially when it first involved a oneshot. It would've been better if the first story was chaptered as well. That way, the flow of the series would be consistent, and it would seem like you made another "book" or "story" after the first one. Moreover, I don't think being a fugitive makes further sense with this story. I mean, her parents were fugitives, but in this sequel, she was to be reborn into a different person, so why would you still include the word "fugitive," if you get what I mean?

Apart from that, "Rebirth" doesn't really make sense... yet. I'm guessing that Jageun would grow/reborn into a different woman after her parents died and after Luhan left her for no specified reason afterwards, especially with a rich Victoria taking her in. Even so, I like the title. It looks enticing enough to attract passing readers, and it was relevant enough, though like what I've said before, the word "fugitive" doesn't really connect with the story anymore.

 

Graphics: 8/10

I like your poster. It looks very angsty and really emotional, especially with IU's expression of sadness there. The other picture of IU standing and squinting through one of her hands was pretty significant as well as it seemed like she really was "reborn" into a different person. Luhan, on the other hand, well... I'm not exactly a fan of his expression. He looked a bit close to smiling at some point, and he didn't really emit an expression relevant to the plot. Apart from that, the poster really did came out dramatic and angsty, but I couldn't sense the "crime" vibe anywhere. Even though she will be reborn into a new and different person, your title still stated the word "Fugitive," so make things as evident as possible.

Overall though, I love the graphics, though I hope that the design of the poster was connected with the background instead of a simple black one. I also think that you should use black and white gifs for your character chart, so as to connect with the dull colors of black and white of your poster. Try to pick similar looking gifs as well for the characters to make them look more consistent. For example, maybe you could try and find gifs with the characters looking directly at the camera? I hope you got what I mean. I also think that gifs without them smiling would be better to intensify the "angst" vibe, especially with Jageun.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

The description was fine for me. It was relevant, a bit of an interest-grabber, and I didn't feel like you leaked "too" much information. Your character chart kind of ruined that thought though, but let's talk about that later. Anyway, I think you should just correct the grammatical errors present in your description. I'm not so sure if I told you this on my review for the prequel, but you do have to make everything as perfect as you can so that to you can make a great impression with your possible readers. As such, below is your version with my version below it.

(Original Version)
There’s a price to pay when you commit yourself in a crime.
It’s either death penalty or spending the rest of your life in prison.

Losing both her parents and the love of her life was hard.
Being called a ‘thief’ by the whole nation didn’t make her life any better.
Changing her identity at least helped in finding a job.

23-year-old Jageun who was now known as Choi Byeol, is searching high and low.
She's now taking the risk in finding her first love who lost contact with her all of a sudden.

(Revised Version)
There’s always a price to pay when you commit a crime.
It’s either a death penalty or spending the rest of your life in prison.

Losing her parents and the love of her life was hard.
Being called a ‘thief’ by the whole nation didn’t make her life any better.
Changing her identity at least helped her in finding a job.

23-year-old Jageun, who's now known as Choi Byeol, is searching high and low.
She's now taking the risk of finding her first love who lost contact with her all of a sudden.

Aside from the description, your character chart was too colorful. From your poster to your description, everything was simple and black, to which matched the angsty vibe that your story was supposed to emit, yet it was kind of ruined from the font colors used for the c.chart. I believe that you should just stick with a simple black font color.

Apart from that, the descriptions for your characters had a lot of grammatical errors. For instance, you used "mummy's girl." Mummy and mommy are different. Are you English or American, because in British English, there are a few changes in spellings, like replacing z with s, and sometimes adding u. Anyway, I'm not really a fan of character charts, and from what I read with yours, you kind of made it too detailed, and you stated more information than you should've had. In other words, you revealed too much than you're supposed to. For instance, you placed Krystal there, and worse, you just stated that she was engaged with Luhan and they were getting married soon. That would've been a very promising yet cliche twist to your story! You just revealed something that Luhan had gone to after he suddenly stopped visiting Jageun.

Removing that character chart is completely your choice, and if you don't want to remove it, then maybe you could just emit a few words and summarize it, or maybe you could simply put quotes or none and just leave the readers to figure out their side of their stories once they read the story instead. I prefer the last option to be honest.

 

Characterization: 5/10

I'm sorry to say this, but I might criticize your way of characterizing your characters at this section. It was just that a lot of things are questionable, especially your characters. Realistically speaking, they can't be incorporated in real life. Their personalities were too fictional that I can't imagine their reactions if they were to happen today, especially with Jageun.

Let's talk about Luhan first. I have nothing much to say to his personality since it wasn't that elaborated. It was the same from the prequel. He wasn't that elaborated, so I can't really critique his character, but he did seem like the typical perfect, charming and handsome guy in a story. Basically, he had a perfect image, and I didn't find any specific flaws on him. He didn't have any doubt with Jageun either seeing how her parents had robbed numerous banks. He should at least thought that she may have had something to do with that. This might've sounded bad and weird, but realistically, wouldn't you doubt her as well? People are like that. Moreover, you should've at least contributed a few scenes regarding him, even with simple dialogues that doesn't include mushy/fluffy stuff from his relationship with Jageun, like maybe you could state how deeply he felt from Jageun's situation, or maybe how Jageun saw his sincerity from this and that. I hope that made sense.

As for Victoria, she was too perfect for me, too. She was portrayed as a perfect and famous fashion designer. I believe that her character would be further elaborated in the story though. The story hasn't even progressed that far, too, so I guess you should do a better job at that. However, I was still skeptical with her deciding to let Jageun live with her. I mean, she even made Jageun's room and such. She should've at least considered the possibility of Jageun resisting the offer, right?

Victoria also called Jageun her "decoy sister." If I was called that, I would've felt irritated or maybe a bit peachy. I simply don't like the sound of it. It was like one was using you for her liking. This might be just me, but I guess what I wanted to say here was that Jageun should've had more thoughts regarding that matter. Since the story was of her point-of-view, I believe that she should've expressed more thoughts and emotions at that. Was she fine with that idea? If not, why?

Let's discuss the main character of the story now. Jageun came out too cliche and innocent for me. If she did live a rough life with her parent robbing numerous banks, she should've matured at that. She should've at least hated something, like maybe she blamed life for being so unfair with her family. That could be possible. I didn't see any strategies and such from her many years of hiding from people either. I expected her to be more reserved with that, but heck, her character was just too confusing. It was too predictable, and I really hoped that she had a lot of flaws considering how her life was. For instance, maybe you should try to provide more scenes like how she defended herself from the ahjumma she fought with. Scenes like that would should how she matured with situations like that. Keep them balanced though, and try to relate it in real life. If that was to happen to you, how would you mature and what