"One Hundred and Eight, Savannah"

Author: ChoiNathan

Main Characters: Do Kyungsoo, Kim Jongin

Genre: Drama, Romance,

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Kyungsoo is a tour guide at an African savannah and one day, he unexpectedly falls in love with a tourist; the unlikely one he'll fall in love for, Jongin.





A/N: Let's just say that this story is a oneshot, okay?
I'm used to calling stories even with 3 existing chapters as oneshots.

Story Title: 2.5/5

Let's start off by giving you some insights of how important story titles are. A title is a story’s first impression. People make a first impression with appearance, wardrobe and body language. Stories do it with a title, that's why titles are extremely important. A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. The title of a story is the first contact that a potential reader makes with your story. A good title is paramount to grabbing people's attention and, most importantly, making them remember it.  You do not want something too generic or too bland.

Honestly, I'm having an internal conflict between "One Hundred and Eight, Savannah" and "0108, Savannah". First of all, one of the rules with making titles is that numbers to which exceeds in 100 should be written numerically. Second of all, the phrase "one hundred and eight" kind of gives of a feeling that someone is saying that phrase, rather than when you state "0108", it somehow seems like it's from a letter of some sort, so I think it's best if it was stated numerically since the story somehow focused on the letter that Kai sent Kyungsoo. Third reason would be because the current title isn't that eye-catching since it's too long, and I think that 0108, Savannah or 0108, SVN might peek up more interest. Other than that, I saw that althoughout your story, you used 0108, SVN, so I think it's best to stick with 0108 for it looks more consistent. But I still think it lacks something. Well, this is just my opinion so don't feel discouraged or something. I'm still giving you a grade of 2.5 for this section since that title of yours is not something you'll see everyday so...

Graphics: 6/10

Your poster didn't attract me nor bore me. It was just... meh. I don't know, but I didn't really find anything special with your poster. One the good side, the poster somehow fits the theme and it definitely has that homey feeling on it since it looks like a painting or something. Also, the simple background you put complemented the poster well even though it was too simple, with a single color and nothing else, so I have no issue with regards to your background whatsoever.

On the bad side though, well there are some loopholes with regards to the elements of the poster. First of all, the title wasn't seen on it. Maybe some of your readers won't mind, but remember that there are some who do, and honestly, I think it's pretty normal for a poster to contain the story's title. I mean, if you look at it, it would just seem like 4 pictures put together. Sorry if I'm getting harsh here, but that's really what I think and see. Secondly, the text you put below was the supposed to be the letter of Kai sent to Kyungsoo, right? Well, I honestly don't mind it, but... wouldn't it be considered as redundancy since you stated it on your description as well? It would've been better if the letter you put on your description is longer than that in the poster. Other than that, the font size was too small, and I think it would look better if it was aligned from both left and right of the pictures above it. But then again, these are just my opinion so don't feel discouraged. In conclusion, I think a grade of 6 best fits this section. 4 points are deducted since I was a bit confused with some of the elements.

Description and Foreword: 5/10

Let's begin with your description. Sorry if this seems like I'm just repeating what I've said before, but yeah, I'm still repeating it. (Again) It seems like you just repeated what the poster stated. It would've been better if the letter on your description was somehow longer than that in the poster. For example, you could put the entire letter Kai sent, like maybe prolong it by adding some more sentences. Just make sure that it has something that hasn't been said before. That way, it may seem like the text you put on the poster was somehow a sneak peek of the real letter on your foreword. I guess that'd look better, but still, your choice. Also, I think it's best if you remove the brief-summary-slash-sentence you put under that letter. Seclude it because some readers may assume it's something that is part of the letter. Some grammatical errors though were present on that "brief-summary-slash-sentence" of yours. Here's my revised version:

(Original Version) "Hi, Kyungsoo. I'm sorry if all I left is a stupid note. I had to catch my flight and I won't be able to drag my baggage all the way to the airport if I'll be writing you a novel. I wish I could. But, I promise to return. We will meet again. 0108, SVN. See you soon."

(Revised Version) Hi, Kyungsoo. I'm sorry if all I left was a stupid note. I had to catch my flight and I wouldn't be able to drag my baggage all the way to the airport if I wrote you a novel. Don't worry. We will meet again. 0108, SVN. See you soon.

So for this one, well I might have changed a couple or words here and there. For the second sentence, is should be was, in past tense, since you are relaying something from the past. The same goes for the rest of the errors I underlined. For the fourth sentence, well, I somehow deleted some words, mainly because it just sounded weird. Kai said that "I wish I could, but I promise I return." What did he wish that he could? It's somehow confusing since the subject of the sentence wasn't clear. This next one reflects the grammatical errors that were present on that "brief-summary-slash-sentence" of yours. Here's my revised version:

(Original Version) Kyungsoo is a tour guide at an African savannah and one day, he unexpectedly falls in love with a tourist; the unlikely one he'll fall in love for, Jongin.

(Revised Version) Do Kyungsoo is a rather 'busy man'. He's a tour-guide of one of the infamous savannahs on Africa. Things were seemingly normal when one day, he unexpectedly falls in love with a tourist; someone he's unlikely to fall in love with, Kim Jongin.

First of all, I put their full names instead since it sounds more appealing; plus, it looks rather formal, which matched the other elements of your story such as the lay-out and such. I don't know. I just think that it suits the story more. Anyway, I added some words, mainly because again, I think they sound better. For example, I described the savannah as something infamous, which made it seem widely known yet usually unfavorable. Also, you have a problem with prepositions. I suggest learning a bit more of where and when to use them. Oh yeah, about this one, I advice you to use Kim Jongin instead of his stage name, Kai, since it sounds more endearing and affectionate.

For the foreword, well I have nothing much to say on this one. It was well-organized, and honestly, it looks pleasing to the eye. One issue for me though is to capitalize "characters:" and "genre:" to make it more professionally written. A question though: What does that "0315, SK mean"? Does it hold something related to the story, or did you just put it there purposely? Hmm... I just got curious there, but I think it was just you who put that there since I didn't see any relation at all.

Characterization: 6/10

I can say that your story is a character-driven one, whereas the events in the story unfold the way they do because of the character's personality, needs, desires, and actions, which seemingly reflects Kyungsoo's, am I right? First of all, it's a good thing that you wrote it in a third-person's point-of-view because by doing so, there weren't any favoritism present among the characters; plus, it's easier to explore more of their personalities. However, your choice of words were a bit confusing that somehow, it dragged a lot of elements down, including the characterization. Fortunately, I still understood your point, but it was after a long time of understanding and repeating the paragraphs all over again. In character-driven stories, character is all-important. It has been said that 'character is conflict'. This means that the conflict in the story comes out of who your character is and what they do. You did well in this part, since the conflict really did come out of Kyungsoo and Jongin's affection towards each other.

For Kyungsoo, well I admire him, actually you, for making his unique dream. It's one of the things I like the most in your story. You made the environment as one of the morals and the main points of the story, which is really rare to find here on AFF. Kyungsoo's personality is a bit blurry for me still. Maybe bec