Calling for jindaebutt

"Please Be Cute Again"

Author: jindaebutt

Main Characters: GOT7's Jackson and Jr. (Jinyoung)

Genre: Fluff, Friendship

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Jackson think that maybe Jinyoung should learn to be y and wild instead of a bookworm who spend most of his time reading some boring books. So he thought Jinyoung how to be y and wild, and he regret doing so as he miss the cute and bubbly Jinyoung.

    Critique:

Story Title

I honestly like your title, because it looks interesting enough to make me read the story. I don't like the letterings though. I prefer if you just use the normal text instead of those. It look like it was too overdone, to be honest. Aside from that, the title wasn't really that original. There are a lot of stories out there with nearly the same or similar titles, so that affects my critique in its originality. On the other side, it was really relevant to the story though, especially with that scene from the story itself.

"Jinyoung, I have something important to tell you."

"And what's the important eyy?"

"Please be cute again."

"Huh? Dude, what are ya talking about?" 

Jackson hate the way Jinyoung talk. He really do. Yet he know he's the one who thought Jinyoung to talk like that. And he want to slap himself because of doing so. Cursing doesn't suit Jinyoung. He should've known it earlier.

See? I was like, "Oooooooh!" It made me realize that the title really was relevant to the story, as Jackson did ask Jinyoung to be cute again after he transformed the latter into his wild and y self. I also like the fact that the title was relevant to the description. It connects, and that's really important since you wouldn't want your readers to get confused as to why your title held a different thought that your description. Anyway, the title was fine in my opinion.

 

Description and Foreword

I wasn't necessarily a fan of your description. I do understand that it's only a oneshot, and you didn't need to provide a lengthy description, but still, it sounded more like a scenario than a description for me. I admit, the idea was good, but it wasn't enticing enough once read that triggers me to really read through your story. It's like you were too straight-forward. Being straight-forward is fine, really, but you don't need to be straight-forward at all times. Sometimes, you need to prolong it as well, like by adding quotes and such, or funny wordings to amuse us.

Moreover, there were a lot of grammatical errors in your description. I don't classify them as "that bad," but those errors were enough to confuse a few of your readers though. Here's my revision. You don't have to necessarily change it, but I do hope that you consider this.

(Original Version) Jackson think that maybe Jinyoung should learn to be y and wild instead of a book worm who spend most of his time  reading some boring books. So he thought Jinyoung how to be y and wild, and he regret doing so as he miss the cute and bubbly Jinyoung. 

(Revised Version) Jackson thinks that Jinyoung should learn how to be y and wild instead of being a book worm who spends most of his time  reading some boring books. That's why he decides to teach Jinyoung how to be y and wild, but he regrets doing so as he misses the cute and bubbly Jinyoung. 

First and foremost, I corrected the errors pertaining to verb tenses. Even so, your tenses were really messy. You should only add an 's' on the verb if the subject is singular. If not, don't add it. "Thought" and "taught" are two different verbs as well. "Thought" is the past tense of the verb, "think," whilst "taught" is the past tense of the verb, "teach." You used the wrong verb on the second sentence above though. Jackson "taught" Jinyoung ways on how to be y and wild. He didn't "think," he taught (teach). I removed that verb anyway, but please remember their difference.

There is also a misconception of the coordinating conjunction "but" for "and." The second sentence above showed contradiction, whereas the second independent clause contradicts the idea of the first independent clause, so the coordinating conjunction "but" should've been used instead of "and." Get it? It's really simple, to be honest.

Aside from the grammatical issues in your description, I also think that you should add more information for your description and foreword. Like what I've said a while ago, you can add quotes or funny wordings and such for added effect. There wasn't any format as well, like the line alignments or pictures. Try to put pictures of Jackson and Jinyoung, and try to get your graphics as well (poster and background). Try to provide an author's note as well, telling us what or who inspired your to write such a story like that. You should also provide a credits section for shops, like this one, that helped you and your story. Crediting this shop is mandatory, by the way. Just sayin'.

 

Characterization

"What does characterization do for a story? In a nutshell, it allows us to empathize with the protagonist and secondary characters, and thus feel that what is happening to these people in the story is vicariously happening to us; and it also gives us a sense of verisimilitude, or the semblance of living reality. An important part of characterization is dialogue, for it is both spoken and inward dialogue that afford us the opportunity to see into the characters' hearts and examine their motivations. In the best of stories, it is actually characterization that moves the story along, because a compelling character in a difficult situation creates his or her own plot."

There is a clear difference between a character and a character development. A character is the mental, emotional, and social qualities to distinguish one entity from another (people, animals, spirits, automatons, pieces of furniture, and other animated objects). On the other hand, character development is the change that a character undergoes from the beginning of a story to the end. Young children can note this. The importance of a character to the story determines how fully the character is developed. Characters can be primary, secondary, minor, or main. In your case, you only used two characters for your oneshot, and they were both main.

Now, characters are developed by actions, speech, appearance, and the unity of character and action.

I  can honestly tell you that you lack on all aspects. You also narrated at least all of the scenes, and you didn't give us more scenes in actual. Those scenes should've indirectly portrayed how the characters' personalities are, like how a certain scene would make Jackson ill-tempered or pleased at other's discomfort (Just an example). Likewise, there weren't enough speech, too. As mentioned before, you almost narrated all scenes.

Here's my individual assessment of your story characters.

Jackson.

As explained in your story, Jackson was the definition of y and wild. He liked to wear a lot of black clothes, to which his wardrobe consisted of 99.9% or black clothing, which was technically weird though since mathematically speaking, that would mean that he had at least a thousand, black clothes, whereas only one clothing had a different color. Setting that aside, he was the typical bad boy. I had a hard time assessing him though since he wasn't really described that much. I wouldn't want to relate his typical character in real life either as that would be different in your story though.

I wasn't completely sure why he wanted to change Jinyoung's nerdy ways. I mean, what made him do that in the first place. Did he just randomly think that or what? From the seven members of GOT7, why him? What made him different from the others? You forgot to mention and describe the other members as well. Incorporating that with the previous statement, why him? Why did Jackson chose to change him, when there is a possibility that the others are different as well since you didn't mention them? Wasn't Bambam nerdy? Wasn't Mark quiet? Even if Mark was quiet yet not nerdy, he could've been a badass as well, right? That makes him different as well in a sense. Did you get what I mean?

Anyway, at the end of the story, he kind of turned softie, which was totally fine and expected. I mean, in real life, I did think of him as a badass, too, but when I got to watch GOT7's variety shows and soon got addicted, I realized how playful and dorky he really was, as it really really refreshening.

Jinyoung.

As introduced in your story, he was the cuttie yet nerdy member of the group, that changed into a complete badass after Jackson told him, or maybe encouraged him, to change. I don't really get why he was termed as a nerd, either. As mentioned before, you didn't really give us a lot of description. It would've been better if your described the characters' appearance thoroughly. Don't just tell us that he's nerdy. Show us how he was termed as that. What kind of clothes were he wearing that made people think that he was nerdy? Was he wearing glasses, or not?

Likewise, it was also weird to imagine him being a nerd when in the story, he was the actual member of GOT7; he's a K-pop idol/artist. I can't really imagine him as a nerd. If he was a nerd in their dormitory, then tell us! It was really weird to imagine it. I don't think he's a nerd in real life, either. I forgot what variety show it was, I think it was I GOT7, but yeah. That show gave me a sneak peek of their rooms, and his didn't really look like a nerd's den or whatever, though I do remember the stack of books on the side.

Anyway, I seem to be getting carried away, but what I wanted to point here is the fact that there were less details than expected. You can't expect us to imagine the scene whilst reading if the details are lacking. To fully understand a character in the story, one should look at what a character says, does and thinks. One should also know what others say or think about the characters and how they react to them. To learn about a character in relation to a story, determine the narrative point of view, get a sense of the events, and decide who are the most fully developed characters. Then, reread and look for the clues mentioned above. Why do characters do what they do? What are the motivations, attitudes, or personality traits which might explain their behavior? Remember these questions.

 

Plot

There's this thing called the pattern of action. There's the rising action, where the action builds during the story until it reaches the peak at the end. There's the steady action, where the same amount of action is maintained throughout the story, rising and falling from time to time. Then there's rise and fall action, where the action rises to a and then trails off. Then there comes suspense. We all know what it does. Then there are the cliffhangers, the foreshadowing, the sensationalism, the , and then the resolution. There are also those of coincidence and sentimentality, but let's talk about something else of that matter.

My point here is that your story didn't really portray a certain "pattern of action." In fact, I could barely remember the rise and fall action part of the story, more so the rising action and the steady action. There weren't even enough twists in the middle to keep me going. Needless to say, your story was a oneshot, a really short story, but that doesn't mean that the thought should stay as short as the story is, too. 

First of all, the plot should start a story with a bang. That is, conflict promises change, and the plot begins as soon as you promise the first compelling change. Ideally, you should do this in the first sentence. However, the introduction that you gave us wasn't that appealing. I understand though. You were introducing the main characters individually, but like what I've said before, ideally, you can just start with the very first sentence. Like what I've said before, the plot should start a story with a bang. Try to provide