"Through My Eyes"

Author: HanaJoe

Main Characters: Exo's Baekhyun and Chanyeol

Genre: Angst, Friendship, 

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Byun Baekyun a shy teenager faces unimaginable bully, his best friend, who he loves.

Story Title: 2/5

The first part of what readers identify with when they click on a story. It’s the story’s, by extension its author’s, first impression on potential readers so it better be good. For a title to be deemed it needs to cover a few base points, namely it needs to make sense with the story, it needs to sound unique, memorable, while also foreshadowing the genre of the story. If a title manages to encompass all these elements, it is indeed a great title. So judging by all these counts, “Through My Eyes” doesn’t fare all too well. The only relevance of the phrase to the story is in the point of view or narration which is Baekhyun’s which establishes him as the main and only character to be talked about. Which is kinda unsatisfactory, but okay none the less? Other than that, the title was not unique, nor was it memorable. For a reader to stop scrolling, they would need to be in the mood for it. Otherwise they’d just zoom pass, which I feel is a shame considering the quality of the actual story. Anyway, I hope you understand what I mean and I do apologize if it sounded too harsh.

Graphics: 10/10

You have two lovely posters, and I am glad you switched to the current one since the first one made it look like Chanyeol was the main, and Baekhyun was barely visible. I like the poster a lot and it’s a good one. I also really like the way you arranged all the text and the text font and colour all fit the feel of the story. So good job. It was a visually pleasing setup. :)

Description and Foreword: 8/10

It was really well written content. Even though the title didn’t attract me you had me hooked with the one liner about Baekhyun and then the prologue. Kudos! However, there were quite a few grammatical mistakes (contextual), which are understandable of someone who is maybe still learning the usage of the language. I corrected them below; please look through them with care.

(Original)  “S-stop…” I muttered as he kicked (?) in the side [Right now there is a missing object.]
(Correction) “S-stop…” I muttered as he kicked me in the side

(Original) I looked up (on) his face, (nothing in comparison to) the boy who once called me his friend… [(i) Wrong preposition & (ii) Awkward phrasing]
(Correction) I looked up to his face, it looked nothing like the boy who once called me his friend…

(Original) ?” (?) Whispered as I cried myself to sleep. [Missing speaker]
(Correction) ?” I whispered as I cried myself to sleep.

(Original) I was just a (little shy) boy in the corner. [The order of adjectives. Right now it sounds like he was a ‘slightly shy boy’, not a ‘small, shy boy’ as you had probably intended to say. Also, separate the adjectives with a comma, that makes it easier to read.]
(Correction) I was just a shy, little boy in the corner

(Original) but someone else (had) brown curly hair, and sparkling brown eyes stepped towards her, [It doesn’t really make sense this way since having curly hair doesn’t have anything to do with having the courage to step towards the girl.]
(Correction) but someone else with brown curly hair, and sparkling brown eyes stepped towards her, [This way it just describes someone who stepped toward the girl and their physical attribute is not necessarily the cause of their action]

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