"Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star"

Author: overdosagexo

Main Characters: Byun Baekhyun

Genre: Fantasy/Supernatural, Horror, Mystery, Thriller

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
A narration from the killer's point of view.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

At first glance, I really thought that the story was of fluff, especially since you used a children’s song title as your story title. It doesn’t really give a specific clue of what the story is all about, too. A title should be able to give a clue to something in the story, enabling the reader to understand an event in a particular way. It can also be used to give an idea of the style of the story – Is it to be taken seriously or as a joke? The title should be able to explain to the reader what the story is about/idea to give them the incentive to read the story. If the title does not catch the reader’s eye, it simply won’t be read.

I still don’t get the relevance of your title, to be honest. I mean, you did use that children’s song in the chapter, but then again, it didn’t really play a large role to begin with. It was creepy enough that it was relayed line per line for every scene, but yeah. I just don’t get the relevance. The line “How I wonder what you are” line kind of took me in though, as if he was asking what the murderer really was. Another downside with your title was the fact that there are already a lot of existing stories with the same story title. Google had proved that as I searched your story title up. The originality of your title plays a very vital role in the whole story as it might cause dissatisfaction amongst readers. For instance, if a reader has read a story before with the same title, then he/she might automatically believe that the story line is the same. Worse, he/she might think that it was the same story as before. Thus, he/she might think otherwise.

P.S. The right punctuations for that title is: “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”

 

Description and Foreword: 8/10

To be honest, your description was quite enticing. It was more interesting that you used the villain’s point of view, and it even more interesting to know his thoughts. It’s quite mysterious as well, making me want to read your story just to find out what was up with the mysterious man talking. It bothered me how the fonts used didn’t really catch up with the vibe. I mean, at first glance, with the title and the dull style of the description, I would assume that the story was maybe of angst, or drama.

"You look so pretty, lying on your bed with the covers half-thrown off."

This was kind of weird to me since you called Baekhyun pretty. I think it would be better if Baekhyun was handsome instead, so as to confuse your readers that maybe the murderer was a sasaeng fan instead, and sasaeng fans are girls most of the time.

On the other hand, the point of your description was clear, yet you didn’t really give out a lot of information. As the reader, I knew now through quick skimming of what the story was all about, especially with the point of view used. The genres were quite noticeable once read, too, and the first line – which was the most important part in a description – was enticing enough that it drew my interest in. It was enough to send shivers under my skin. As such, even though I was creeped out, it was still able to draw out emotions from me, and that’s a good thing since in the end, it’s all about emotions. In the end, what I liked the most was the fact that it made me desperate to know what happens next. It was like you gave us a cliffhanger when there wasn’t really one to begin with. You need to lead the reader to the point where they are so curious that, were they a cat, it would kill them, and you did just that. Wonderful job!

I think it would entice your readers as well if you provide more pictures, and fix the lay-out of the foreword as the font styles used were inconsistent. (This was supposed to be said on another section, but it wasn’t included in your choice of section. Don’t worry. This does not affect the grading.)

(Original Version) I take delight in watching you make sense of everything, a thrill runs down my spine when horror registers in your eyes as you realize who, or what, I am. 

(Revised Version) I take delight in watching you make sense of everything. A thrill runs down my spine when horror registers in your eyes as you realize who – or what – I am. 

To be honest, your description was clear of grammatical errors, except one, which was the example above. It was a case of a comma splice, in which you connected two independent clauses with a comma in between. The comma just isn't strong enough to do the job of making one grammatical sentence out of two. To fix a comma splice, you can either use a period, a semi-colon, a coordinating conjunction, or a subordinating conjunction. For the example above though, I used a period, which is the simplest way of correcting a comma splice. Why? It was because the clauses were too long to begin with, and the logical connection between the two independent clauses was self-evident.

As for the commas that I changed into dashes, I simple did it since it deserved a lot of attention. Truth to be told, parentheses, dashes, and commas all act to pertain to parenthetical elements. Though as said, they still held distinct usages. For instance, parentheses are used when you want to enclose something that is incidental to the sentence – something that is background or almost unnecessary. Dashes, on the other hand, are used when you want to enclose or set off something that deserves a lot of attention, is meant to interrupt your sentence, or already has commas or parentheses in it. Last but not the least, commas are used to enclose things that belong firmly in the flow of your sentence. Honestly, commas are quite dull, and parenthesis look too informal in writing, so I recommend using dashes instead.

Also, I noticed a lot of “You”s going on. I think it would be best to use coordinating conjunctions to combine a few independent clauses. It was actually disturbing since a reader would have to pause multiple times from sentences ending earlier than necessary.

 

Character Development: 5/5

a. Point of View Used. 5/5

I am actually in favor of the point of view used in the story. You used the murderer’s point of view, right? It was actually creative and effective in your story as it gave a sense of closeness to the character. It was easier to empathize, too, as we can see everything through the murderer’s eyes. It was quite understandable that the story was told as the scene was happening. This is one important aspect in using this type of point of view as you, as the author, should be able to decide how the story should be told. Moreover, the fact that the inability to see the bigger picture – since the murderer was just Baekhyun’s reflection – was exploited to good effect. You didn’t spoil us with too much information to readily reveal that it indeed just his reflection. Through the point of view used, you would be able to make us go through realization at the end of the story, as we would think that the murderer was an actual human being, when in fact, he wasn’t. Good job! P.S. The comments were kind of spoilers though, but yeah. That can’t be avoided.

 

Plot: 25/35

a. Originality. 2.5/5

To be honest, I would’ve thought of your plot as an original one if it wasn’t for this line: “To my parents, thank you for raising me. Even though now it seems it was a waste. You have Baekbeom anyway, the successful one who listened to your advice and took the safe path with a stable career and got married. He's the perfect son you always wanted, so it doesn't matter if I'm dead.” The plot line has suddenly become too cliché for my liking at this point. Truth to be told, it was oddly realistic as his brother had indeed gotten married, but then again, why bring up the stable career and the clichéd idea of being the family’s perfect son? It was just too… typical. I think it would’ve been better if you focused on his hardships as a K-pop idol, so that you’d be able to pinpoint how his life was apparently “ruined” from his chosen career, and how he couldn’t keep up with the pressure anymore.

On the other hand, the plot as a whole wasn’t that original either as I had read stories like this before, though you did a good job with making it a bit of a mystery. The foreshadowing effect that you did was done well, too. You planted the clues well that indicated the supposed outcome of the story. Not all readers will be alert to these. That proves the surprised and slightly terrified comments in your story. Some had noticed them though – some subconsciously – while some described their inferences as guesses or feelings. As such, the sensationalism was rather weak, as you did give out more hints – which you had achieved at the expense of the character and the idea. As the author, you must be careful with sensationalism, so as not to weaken the character or theme, to balance suspense over action, and then hint at the outcome, as not to overpower small children but provide relief as needed. Your story was a short one at that, too.

b. Setting of the Story. 4.5/5

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