Calling for enterawsomename

"But Only Guys Are Supposed To Do That Right?"

Author: enterawsomename

Main Characters: Park Chanyeol (EXO) and Lee Min Soo (OC)

Genre: Abuse, Fluff, Romance, School life

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Lee Min Soo is a young girl who is constantly bullied in school by her class mates. She has a big crush on Park Chanyeol, who is part of a group called EXO, and wishes to ask him out on a date. But only guys are supposed to do that right? Read on and find out what happens when the famous Park Chanyeol finally notices her.
....

    Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

"But Only Guys Are Supposed To Do That Right?" -> A title creates anticipation and expectation or, perhaps, disinterest. Often the title is what will determine whether or not someone reads a story. A story title is important as it is one of the ways to attract a few readers into reading your story, and the title is basically the starting point at that. 

Your title wasn't really unique. Yes, Google only showed your story as the only one with that title, but I believe that the length of your title had something to do with that. It was too long for my liking, and even though it was extremely connected with your story in entirety, it was still too lengthy, and I'm afraid that it wouldn't get remembered by your readers that easily. As such, look for something that interacts with the story in an interesting way. That’s the secret of a good title. It makes you want to start the story.

Anyway, your title didn't sound enticing either. As an author, you have to come up with a title that you deem marketable to your future readers. Your title should set the tone, hint at the genre or style of story, and draw the reader in. It’s your very first opportunity to “market” your book and make someone want to read it. Here are a few tips. You should make sure you know the genre of your book, and identify what kind of feeling or tone you want to convey with the title. Write it down. Be clear on what your title needs to instantly communicate.

I highly think that you should replace your title with a shorter, clearer, yet enticing one. I have read and reviewed a lot of stories before, and I can say that lengthy titles are not preferred by many. If you don't want to replace the title though (I respect your decision), then just correct the capitalization. The preposition 'to' should not be capitalized. There should be a comma before 'right' as well. --> "But Only Guys Are Supposed to Do That, Right?"

 

Graphics: 8.5/10

I actually love your title. Anyone can tell that it was designed properly within the genres involved, though it was too bright. I didn't quite understand why there was too much pink and green, but overall, I kind of like it. It would've been better if Chanyeol and Minsoo in the poster were wearing the same uniform since they look too casual. Chanyeol did look like a student, especially with his blazer on check, but he looked more like a rebel that way, since it wasn't properly on and such. It would enlighten your readers that the story took place when they were in high school, too. 

Also, the background of the poster didn't make sense as well. It looked like a modern living room of some sort, which is a bit contradicting, especially since your one-shot took place in a school. Maybe there is a school that looks like that, but still, a typical school doesn't look like that. It would've been better if the background showed a classroom or maybe a hallway. Remember that your graphics should be related with your story as a whole. It's not necessary to give everything away, but it is important to relate it so that your readers could at least imagine something our of your graphics.

I understand that you didn't make or designed the poster itself, so please don't feel discouraged. The same goes with the designer (No offense, please). The graphics really looked very enticing. It's just that there were a few loopholes in the way.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

Despite the cool graphics that you had, there wasn't much to see nor read in your description and foreword. I actually expected a few dividers and pictures on the way, but there weren't that much. Aside from that, I also felt like your gave too much information from that short summary that you displayed. It basically held the main points in your story.

Story descriptions are really important for one-shots. With a short story like yours, you should be careful with what you put that your readers might catch up with even before reading your story. As such, you readers might get disheartened that they weren't much to the story. Personally, I like descriptions that sounds like lines from quotes as they do should enticing and interesting at the same time. Anyway, I provided a revised revision and a bit of a short explanation afterwards.

(Original Version)  Lee Min Soo is a young girl who is constantly bullied in school by her class mates. She has a big crush on Park Chanyeol, who is part of a group called EXO, and wishes to ask him out on a date. But only guys are supposed to do that right? Read on and find out what happens when the famous Park Chanyeol finally notices her.

(Revised Version)  Lee Min Soo was a young girl who was constantly bullied in school by her classmates. She had a big crush on Park Chanyeol, who was part of a group called EXO, and wished to ask him out on a date, but only guys are supposed to do that right? Read on and find out what happens when the famous Park Chanyeol finally notices her.

I have a lot of issues regarding this description, which I will further discuss on the next sections. I corrected the tenses from present tense to past tense as you were relaying something that happened before, which will be relayed in the story. Moreover, you did state your story in past tense, so it should be appropriate to use that tense for your description. Also, the last sentence kind of confused me. You said that we would find out that happens when the famous Park Chanyeol finally notices her. In the story, it was said that Chanyeol has always noticed and liked her from afar as well, and he didn't really notice her. In fact, he saved her when she was getting bullied by the typical b*tchy girls from her school. 

Aside from the fact that you basically relayed the main points of your story, I don't necessarily prefer lines that tell the readers to read on and find out what happens in the story. It sounds more like you're persuading them directly, and it kind of sounds wrong and forced. This is just a personal comment, so please don't take it to heart. It's just that I prefer description that doesn't sound too persuasive, and I think it's better if you just leave the readers to decide on their own. Everything will be based on your decisions though, so I'll rest my case. :)

 

Characterization: 4/10

I'm giving you a low grade for this section. Why? Well, there are a lot of elements missing in your story. I do understand that this was your first story writing, so just take my words as tips that you can use when you write your next story. Was I emotionally involved as a reader? Did what happened to the character really matter to me? Was I moved that I reacted to the characters' fortunne or misfortune? These are only some questions that your readers' minds should cross.

Of those few characters, mentioned, how many characters was I only able to remember? How many can you identify by name, description, and traits? Well, I was only able to remember Minsoo, Chanyeol and Bona. Their characters were way too cliche for my liking, too, but let's discuss that on another section. Lee Minsoo was said to have been bullied by her classmates for no apparent/said reasons, and she had a huge crush on Chanyeol, to which she even planned on confessing her feelings to him even though it should be done the other way around. Chanyeol, on the other hand, but a member of the typical popular kids at school. I didn't catch much of his personality though. He seemed a bit kind despite his popularity since he saved Minsoo. Nevertheless, there wasn't much to his characters, so I have nothing more to say. Bona's character, too, was cliche as she played the typical third party the bullies the loner girl.

I think you did reveal their characters through direct characterization, especially since you used Minsoo's point of view. However, using a first person's point-of-view is rather limited as the readers would only know Minsoo's side of the story, limiting the other characters' thoughts. The method of the character’s own words and actions or the method where the character’s reveals their own feelings allows the reader to become engulfed in the story.

One of the things that I looked forward to is their appearance. You didn't specify if Minsoo was a nerd or not, and either was the reason why she got bullied. I expected to rea