Calling for huskylover

"You Are Not"

Author: huskylover

Main Characters: Im Yoona, Jessica Jung

Genre: Angst, Family, Slice of Life

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
“No one liked Yoona,
No one wants to play with Yoona,
Yoona don’t desrve anything,
Because
Yoona is bad,
Yoona is filthy,
Yoona is ugly,
Yoona is poor,
Yoona is stupid,
Yoona is worthless,
Yoona is nothing,”
You are not, Yoona. –Jessica

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3/5

Your title was simple, a bit sweet in relation to the actual plot of the story, and of course, relevant to the story because it was Jessica's dialogue, am I right? On the bad side, it was too common of a title. If you try and search that title with the term 'Asianfanfics', you'll see a lot of stories with nearly the same, and some, similar titles with yours. The easiest way to ensure you have an original title is to type the phrase into an Internet search engine, to which Google is the easiest. Some great titles will produce matches, of course—but if you are the first person to coin the phrase you’ve chosen, then you know you’ve hit the originality jackpot. Titles are not copyrightable though, but having an original title with an explosive impact on your readers is important as well. It is important to think out-of-the box as well even if it's just for the story's title. You should always maximize your choices. Simplicity is beauty, yes, but it doesn't work that well all the time. You should think originally at times as well, and since we're in 'this' kind of generation, to which in terms of fanfiction, a lot of writer and/or authors from all over the world have made their own stories, you basically have a lot of competition, to which your ideas might even be the same. Do keep that in mind. Other than that, your title was fine in terms of capitalization as well. 

 

Graphics: 0/0

I will not be grading this section since you don't have any poster nor background for your story. I do recommend getting one though. You might think that graphics are not important in stories, but they are. It's actually very important, especially within AFF since this fanfiction site offers a large space for posters and whatnot, of course, unlike the other fanfiction sites. Do request from a graphic shop. There are a lot her in AFF which offers that type of service, and I'm pretty sure that they're more than willing to do the job for you.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Your description was too... redundant. There were grammatical errors as well, and a little typographical error at the first part. The fact that you placed it between double quotations marks didn't help as well. If you put it like that, it would seem like someone was relaying those lines, rather than a description wherein you're basically describing things. As a recommendation, I will be providing my own revision of your description. It's nothing much though.

(Original Version) “No one liked Yoona, No one wants to play with Yoona, Yoona don’t desrve anything, Because Yoona is bad, Yoona is filthy,  Yoona is ugly, Yoona is poor, Yoona is stupid, Yoona is worthless, Yoona is nothing,”
You are not, Yoona. –Jessica    [Sorry. I didn't include any spacing.]

(Revised Version) No one liked Yoona. No one even wanted to play with her. They said that she didn't deserve anything. Why? That's because she's filthy, ugly, poor, stupid and worthless. Supposedly, she was basically nothing.
"You are not, Yoona." —Jessica

I'm not really proud with this revision of mine, but I do think that it's better than your version. No offense. I hope none was taken. Anyway, I basically rephrased your work, or rather, I reconstructed it. I fixed the redundancy, although I think it still lacks something. I removed the adjective 'bad' in her brief description since it was too broad. I mean, how bad was she? The other descriptions were a bit understandable, so I included them. I also added some words, such as prepositions and subordinating conjunctions. Anyway, I hope you consider this since your description was way too redundant; plus, it took a lot of unnecessary space. A description like that would've been better if it was really a poem with rhyming ends, and if it was aligned at the center as well. Other than that, the after statement of Jessica should be quoted instead of the long description above since it was an actual dialogue that came from Jessica, right? So it's only appropriate to use double quotation marks for it.

As for the quick sneak peek provided in your foreword, well actually, it was fine. I got a quick understanding of what the story's all about, and the scene didn't really give everything away. For instance, you just said that Yoona was cheering too happily. For that, I was surprised later on when I discovered that she had a brain disease. That's definitely a plus, and it was an enlightenment on my side as well. It was basically a brief sneak peek slash introduction of the story, and I admire you for that. Those grammatical errors dragged it down though. I also recommend using a fancier font for your description, foreword, and for your chapters as well. I'm sure it'll make it look attractive despite the lack of graphics. Here's my revision of your foreword though. I didn't provide an original version, so do compare it with the original version placed in your foreword instead. Sorry for the inconvenience, but here it is:

(Revised Version)
“Hi! I’m Yoona, Im Yoona. Let’s play!” Yoona cheered, though rather too happily. The eyes of the three person's in front of her grew wide by Yoona's sudden loud voice. A quick silence invaded the room before someone chuckled.
“Play? You think we want to play? With you?” The Chinese boy said. His chuckles soon turned into laughter which the others eventually followed. Yoona kept her goofy smile on her face as she didn't understand what his sentence was supposed to mean.
“Yeah!” the tanned joined, laughing.
“Who is she anyway?”
“I think it’s Sica’s helper’s kid.”
“Really? No wonder she’s so filthy!” The girl finally joined.
“Yeah... Look at—”
Yoona suddenly couldn't hear anymore because there were hands that were not covering both of her ears. Yoona knew it was her sister, so she stayed still and giggled.
The chatter in the room died down as soon as Jessica entered the room and covered her sister’s ears. She glared at her friends with an icy glare, making them shiver immediately. Still keeping her hands on Yoona’s ears, Jessica spoke coldly.
“Get. Out.”
“W-what? Sica-yah, she’s just your—”
“Get. Out. Can't you understand? Now!” Jessica spoke with finality. The three ran out immediately. After the visitors were gone, Jessica heaved a sigh and removed her hand from Yoona’s ears.

Okay. So first of all, I did change a lot of things, mostly mistakes, from your original version. There were a lot of grammatical errors to be honest. You can compare them with your version though. Anyway, I've noticed that you have a problem with tenses and prepositions. Actually, you had a lot of problems, but I will advise you to learn more about prepositions and tenses since most of your errors came from them. Also remember that a space after the ellipsis is mandatory. You should also mind your capitalization. Your capitalization errors comprised of errors after quotations and whatnot. Do study about them as well. Other than that, you may or may not notice, but I did add quite a few things in my revision. I actually rephrased your work, although the idea was still there... I think.

Oh, a little side note I wanted to tell you. As far as I know, the proper romanization or whatever for those honorifics for Korean names are '-ah' for those names ending with consonants, and '-yah' for those names ending with vowels. Correct me if I'm wrong though, but I do remember that it's done like that as I have heard them call each other in that manner in actuality. You might want to search it for a sure and valid answer. Anyway, sorry for that mini-side note.

 

Characterization: 7/10

I'll talk about Jessica first. As you have asked me in your form, I did feel like Jessica was a bit Mary Sue. Her personality was too typical, and I honestly didn't find any negative sides of her. It would've been better if there were some distinct personalities of Jessica, or maybe some of her thoughts mentioned so that we will be able to relate ourselves from her. For instance, I'm sure that there are times wherein she feels stressed and whatnot, and that she might be angry at times as well. She was too understanding, and although there were particular scenes wherein she gave people some icy glares, they were still unders