"Prediction of Destiny"

Author: amn101

Main Characters: Sehun, Luhan, Kai

Genre: Drama, Family, Fluff, Friendship, Romance, ,

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Normal seventeen year old teenager, Oh Sehun, was granted the ability to draw a person’s significant other. Luhan on the other hand is haunted with a dream. He then proceed to meet the love psychic in order to see the male behind his dreams. What Luhan discovered was the biggest shock of his life – a conspiracy between two big companies. So how are they connected?

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

"Prediction of Destiny" --> I actually liked the title from the moment I read it; however, originality-wise, it didn't really pop out. From my perspective, that kind of title is a common amongst fantasy/supernatural stories. I have even read an EXO fantasy story before wherein Luhan had the power to predict the future, so I guess that affected my liking towards your story since I had already gotten a glimpse of what the story is all about. 

Relativity-wise though, you did a good job. The title seemed fitting from the over-all plot, and it did came out a bit straight-forward, but I like it, nonetheless. It sounds a bit mysterious, too. Anyway, aside from the fact that I found the title unoriginal, I still deem it as a fitting title since it does attract readers, in my opinion. It may sound a bit cliche, but then again, I could consider that as a good cliche. Good job, I guess.

 

Graphics: 3.5/10

I didn't like the poster, to be quite honest. The canvas used was really big, that I had to scroll down just to view the lower part of the poster. It would've been better if a smaller canvas was used -- a medium sized one, if I must recommend. First of all, The font sizes of the title and the storyline and arts, and the character names were of the same sizes, making it hard for me to determine which one is more important than the others at first glance. Remember that the story title should stand out, so that a reader would read the title when she sees it, and immediately incorporate it with how the elements of the poster talked about the story.

Another issue for me is the fact that the designs used didn't really connect with the plot as a whole. To be quite frank, your poster looked too angsty and romance-wise, to which I expected it to look more tech-y, something the portrays the modern era, and a bit more fantasy/supernatural-looking since the story did involved psychic powers after all. Buildings and skyscrapers would've done the job, too, since Luhan discovered a conspiracy between two large companies, right?

Basically, my main problem was the connection of the title with your poster. I mean, from the title "Prediction of Destiny" itself, one can immediately tell that it involved superpowers and such. Also, Luhan looked like he was in heaven or something. I also didn't understand the point of the plowers around him. Does that mean something in the story? Furthermore, at the bottom side of the poster, I thought that there were two more persons involved aside from Luhan. It turned out that it was only Sehun, and that two pictured of him were used. I'm not so sure myself if that meant something, too, but it looked kind of weird.

I also want to point out the lack of background for your story. You should use one, since the page looks kind of dull when you scroll down. Make sure that it connects with the poster though. You wouldn't want mismatching graphics, now would you? Anyway, it's your choice whether you want to request for another graphics or not, but yeah. I understand that you don't make your posters, too. I hope you take my words into consideration though.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

Your description was nice, to be honest. You just had a couple of grammatical errors here and there, but apart from that, I liked the fact that you introduced the story really well without spilling all the beans. The fact that you told us about the conspiracy was a job well done as well, since it proves us that this story is not the typical love psychic story like the others other there, giving us hope that you'd be able to give us something pretty much new.

I had a hard time analyzing the last question though. It was confusing since I didn't know what it was pertaining to. Before it, it was said that Luhan discovered a conspiracy between two companies. Did you mean to question how that conspiracy was related to the main of his dreams, or were you questioning how those two companies were related, or maybe with Luhan and the companies, since you used the pronoun 'they?' Then again, all of it seems just as confusing. If so, I think you should straighten it out, like maybe revise the sentence. The very sentence is the most important, too. It should exert some sort of suspense, that will leave the reader hooked.

Oh, and if you wanted to point out a warning, make sure that it's really noticeable. You should probably style it with a red font color since most warnings are put with that color, making it obvious. Anyway, I provided my version of your description as I corrected the grammatical errors that I found. Here it is:

(Original Version) Normal seventeen year old teenager, Oh Sehun, was granted the ability to draw a person’s significant other. Luhan on the other hand is haunted with a dream. He then proceed to meet the love psychic in order to see the male behind his dreams. What Luhan discovered was the biggest shock of his life – a conspiracy between two big companies. So how are they connected?

(Revised Version) A normal, seventeen-year-old teenager named Oh Sehun was granted the ability to draw a person’s significant other. Luhan, on the other hand, was haunted with a dream. Deciding to seek for help in order to see the man behind his dreams, he proceeded to meet the love psychic. However, what Luhan discovered was the biggest shock of his life – a conspiracy between two big companies. How were they connected?

There were a couple of grammatical errors above. For instance, remember to place the appropriate articles when necessary. Articles are quite important in English as they provide certain information about the noun they proceed. Absence or misuse of an article will make a sentence look/sound very strange to an English speaker. For instance, "Dog ate my shoe," is deemed ungrammatical in English because it lacks an article. The determinate article "the" specifies, characterizes, and identifies a noun, and often suggests the listener is already familiar with it. "The" is also used to delimit- to define a certain subgroup. Hence, "The dog ate my shoe," makes more sense, right?

Also, remember to place commas between introductory bits. This goes the same for conjunctive adverbs like however. Conjunctive adverbs are sometimes used as simple adverbs. If they do not connect independent clauses, they are not conjunctive adverbs. Then, they are merely adverbs modifying a verb, adjective, or another adverb. Typically, each conjunctive adverb is followed by a comma.

Foreword:

On the other hand, your foreword as really messy. Well, actually not just the foreword, but the description as well. You need to organize the arrangement of those sections. For the description section, you should limit it by providing the story's brief summary and the characters' introduction if you want to. As for your foreword, you can also put a brief background summary for your foreword, like maybe a short sneak peek would do. It will trigger your reader since you'd be giving them something that they'd expect in the story, leaving them curious and anticipating. 

The next things that can be placed would be the author's note should be the first thing that a reader would see in the section, since it mostly holds the important stuff, like the warnings and whatnot, and the things that a reader must expect in the story. The credits then must be placed last, since they're the least important. Don't take too much space with it, too, since that would be just... wrong. Remember to emphasize the more important stuff than the less ones. Frankly speaking, some readers wouldn't really care about the reviews and such since a frantic reader would only want to know the details of what the story's all about. Hence, make it easier for tem. You shouldn't burden your readers from scrolling down too much. Anyway, other than that, you're all good on this section.

 

Characterization: 7.5/10

One of the things that troubled me the most was the fact that you seemed to be more focused on the side characters rather than the main characters on the first chapters of your story. It's pretty understandable from the form of point of view that you used, but then again, that doesn't mean that you should freely jump from one couple to another.

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