"An Inheritor's Marriage"

Author: -Muasbby

Main Characters: Lee Jinki, Moon Nayeon

Genre: Drama, Romance, Arrange Marriage

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Lee Jinki, heir to Wang Royal Group, and Moon Nayeon, model and daughter of Moon Corporation, are wedded to tie the knot of a super mega mall plan. Refusing to live the lifestyle of a forced marriage, Jinki takes his marriage to his own hands to make it as pleasant as possible. Filled with growing romance, painful family secrets, and a struggle to understand, will Nayeon and Jinki's marriage last or will it falter?

 

   

Story Title: 3/5

To be honest, I’m not sure how to describe your title. It’s not a bad title, but it’s not a particularly excellent one as well. It’s sort of lingering around the fence, if you get what I mean, and though it does suit your whole storyline and all, I’m not certain if it’s the best title for your story.

For one, it’s pretty clichéd, and secondly, it’s not very creative, but it does sum up your whole plot. Once glance at your title and I already know what your story is going to be about without having to read the plot yet. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing, but I’m sure some more creativity in your title would definitely be beneficial to attracting more readers. Anyway, I have nothing against your title, so all’s good, moving on.

 

Appearance: 9/10

a. Poster and Background. 5/5

I love the poster. The constant purple motif in the poster and background really accentuates the sophisticated and high-class aura you would expect to receive from inheritors of rich companies. It suits the overall storyline well, and you have your own personalized background, which thankfully, isn’t too bold or eye-catching as such that it disrupts the reader’s attention away from the actual storyline.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 4/5

Once again, nothing to pick on. I see the purple motif ringing throughout again in your character chart. The layout of the article is pretty cool as well, I think that really adds interest to the arty section of your story. The only reason why I knocked down a point is because although I have nothing to pick on, I think there’s still space for improvement. Though there’s nothing wrong with it, visually, it could be made more eye-catching. Don’t fret about it though, because the way it is right now is fine…it just didn’t struck me as the perfect layout for your story.

 

Description and Foreword: 7,5/10

You basically summed up your whole story with the one quote: ‘I want you to experience a true marriage, not an arranged one.’ The quote itself is interesting, because from past experiences of reading stories dealing with arranged marriage, both sides of the party is usually reluctant about the arranged marriage. This quote is an advantage to your story because it’s something unexpected from the expected, so good job on that.

Now, though your way of describing your story is cool and flashy with the article and all that, I think the part after the article can probably be better with some fixing up.

Firstly, it’s a little too long for my liking and though I think giving us an insight to the character’s perception of the marriage is a good idea, there are some parts in there that comes off unnecessary which drags down the whole thing. Secondly, the grammatical errors in there also turned me off, but considering English isn’t your first language, you still did a decent job in the way you described them.

Anyway, referring back to the length of the description, I suggest you go over the description and delete unnecessary stuff. For instance, the first paragraph you wrote about Jinki practically revolved around the same topic. You took too long to get to the point, and some rewording and deleting of sentences could benefit you.

For Example:

Original: Being the polite person that he was, Jinki continued looking at the man giving his presentation. However the thoughts in his head refused to stay in it's position. They roamed around his mind and took over his conscious. Then she popped up in his head. After all these years, he couldn't push her out of his memories. He missed her, really, but life had its courses. He had no choice but to take the obstacles that were handed to him and accept them. Jinki was still upset about his father's decision of dismissing the girl he truly grew fond of. But it was the past and the past is meant to be forgotten, even if it leaves one wounded and scarred. 

Revised: Though Jinki looked like he paid full attention to the man giving the presentation, his mind roamed off about her. After all these years, he still couldn't push her out of his memories and although he missed her, he had no choice but to take on the obstacles life handed him and accept things the way they are now. Jinki was still upset about his father's decision of dismissing the girl he truly loved, but it was in the past and the past is meant to be forgotten, even if it left one wounded and scarred. 

Remember: The shorter and more precise your description is, the better.

 

Character Development: 8.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 2/5

I’m so sorry for the harsh marking here, because I sincerely felt like you put effort in developing your characters. Unfortunately though, it wasn’t up to my standard. Before I start the nagging, please take in mind that these things take time to develop, and if you acknowledge your disadvantages, then you will surely grow faster.

Now, let’s get straight to the point: thought the actions of your characters weren’t ridiculous or ludicrous, they were quite choppy and sudden in terms of the development of relationships with each other.

Let’s break down what you could improve on with our protagonist, Moon Nayeon:

From what I’ve read, she’s a sarcastic, clever girl with a broken-heart protected by the walls she built up for herself. She’s not someone true to her feelings and is willing to put up a façade to earn the respect and love she doesn’t get from her family. So I found it weird that the ice queen who practically ignored Jinki on their first meeting opened up her heart that quickly to him on their second meeting – their wedding day. I understand if she’s giddy from receiving this passionate response from Jinki which she’s never experienced before, but the transition from an impassionate model to a blushing teenage girl was way too sudden. Shouldn’t she be a bit more refined, a bit more…suspicious of him?

The same applies to the plane ride in the third chapter. She barely knows the guy and she’s already taking cute selcas and holding hands with him. Where is the progress in between? What does she base her trust and love in him on? For your next story, think about the importance of progress. A broken heart is an untrusting heart. And trust definitely isn’t built upon sweet-words and a few simple exchanges of sincere gazes.

Jinki was portrayed a little bit better than Nayeon. But once again, how does he fall in love with Nayeon? And why?

b. Evolution of Characters. 2.5/5

I’m sure it’s not unexpected that this section is heavily affected by the first one. I did increase the mark by half a point though because the evolution of Jinki and the other characters are reasonable. It’s just Nayeon’s character development that I’m worried about, since her transition from cold to loving to cold and back to loving isn’t very convincing.

Now, please don’t feel unfair that I marked this section so low based solely on Nayeon, because her development is extremely important in your story. She is the voice of this story, and despite Jinki being the male lead, let’s face it, it’s Nayeon who the readers are concerned about. Do you ever get this feeling where when the male lead gives affection to another girl, you feel unfair and angry inside? Yet when the female lead is misunderstood by the male lead, you feel all uncomfortable and guilty and awk