Calling for Mahwii

"The Red Hood"

Author: Mahwii

Main Characters: Jieun (IU), Wooyoung (2PM), and Yoseob (BEAST)

Genre: Horror, Mystery

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Wooyoung only wanted to remember the past.
The past that was meant to be forgotten.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

I don't really like your title. It's too common and typical and I personally think that title is overused. It's a bit contradicting as well as your readers, like me, would assume that this is a story of "The Little Red Riding Hood," but maybe it's just me. Anyway, although I didn't fancy the title that much, it was still indeed very relevant to the story, especially you symbolized it in the story, so good job.

Here are some tips I'd like to share to you, in case you want to change your title:

(1) Make sure your title is easy to remember. Help readers out by making the title of your work memorable. You could use an alliteration, like a poem-type of title. Have you ever noticed that poetry is easier to memorize than prose? You could also make a short title, although in a way, this isn't always true, but I think it's best to try and keep a title to four words or less.

(2) Make it interesting. In a way, many of the same things that can be said about what makes a character interesting can also be said about titles. You can make it via contradictory qualities such as "War and Peace," or "True Lies." You can also make it by being descriptive. If you could make the descriptive title imply an action so much the better. Of course, again, that's much easier said than done. For example: Gone with the wind

(3) Make sure the title indicates the genre. Of course this is important. In your case, this is a romcom-slash-schoollife, right? Make sure the title fits these genres.

S o u r c e  ( x )

For me, I'd recommend you using a line or phrase from your story as your title. Many authors use this technique. They use a line or phrase that they have written as the title, then you see it in context later on in the actual story. Often, if the title is particularly lyrical, or seems to make little sense if read out of context, you can bet that the phrase will be important once you begin reading. This method usually works for mystery/suspense stories like yours, so I think this'll make it more interesting. This is just an opinion though. I'm not forcing you to change your title, but in case you change your mind, please do consider the tips above. If you're not changing it though, then you can use these tips in your future stories instead.

 

Graphics: 3/10

I really really don't like the poster. It wasn't relevant at all. If you're planning on putting a temporary poster, please choose something that is related to the story instead. The black rose doesn't have any significance in the story, that's why I'm a bit jumpy right now. I mean, your story is good, but please do focus on the other elements of your story as well. There are many poster shops out here on AFF who are more than willing to do the job for you, so please do think about it. It goes the same for your background. It wasn't relevant, and you could've chose a more dark background to match the theme.

Oh and I just had to point this out. The quote at the poster said, "Somethings are meant to be forgotten." There should be a space between some and things, so it should be, "Some things are meant to be forgotten." Makes more sense, right?

Since I'm feeling a bit hyper now, I'd still give you a grade of 3, although it could've been lower, but I considered your effort in putting a poster and background for your story (and even editing it).

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

I like how the quote and the description matches each other. The description was fine, simple and short, which is totally understandable since this is a oneshot story after all. We wouldn't want the readers to know all that's going to happen in the story by providing too much information, right? Remember to keep the description short and active.  Be specific. Use original imagery, touch on distinctive and vivid characteristics of setting. Avoid confusing imagery such as the mixed metaphor.

The quote and description didn't have any errors, however, your author's note had a lot of it. Author's note is really not that important, I know, but remember, readers also read the part, and they might get turned off by your grammar mistakes. Trust me, I know, because I'm like that as well.

(Revised Version) Hi everyone! I'm back again with another oneshot story. This was fast now, wasn't it? It hasn't even been a month yet! I'm proud of myself. Hehe. This thought was random, and I really don't know how it first came to me, but... I hope you like it! Also, I would like to thank my proof-reader and cute dongsaeng, Wasurenai123. (She has an insta account that has cute fanfics. You should go and read them people! "Wasurenai123" Shamelesss Advertising)

There were a lot of errors, and like I've said before, your readers might get turned off, so please fix them as soon as possible. Oh, and an additional comment, why not put titles for your sections such as ,"Author's Note," "Credits," etc, to make it look more presentable. Just a recommendation.. C:

Here's a little tip. Why not use some dividers? I usually use them to make my story more attractive. In your case, it would add more effects for your description/foreword, especially the author's note. Instead of a horizontal line, use a divider.

 

Characterization: 4/10

Suspense/Horror is like many other important elements of fiction writing -- it should come out of the characters as well as the plot. If you're not comfortable with the ways your characters are acting, then that's a sure sign that something is wrong. It could be a logic hole in the plot, or maybe you have to work on your characters. In your case, you should try to find an interesting way to evoke Woohyun's feelings as she approaches the Jieun. Make sure that it comes out interesting. It did somehow came out as "interesting," but it was still lacking. I would've been better if there was this something at the back of his mind that tells him that it was all Jieun's doings, yet he refuses to believe it since he was sure that his sister was innocent. Something like that. Also, for suspense stories, it's best to describe their emotions, their effections, and even how the object looks like and such. For example, when you said that his uncle was found lying on the floor, dead, you could've eleborated by explaining how his blood was oozing out. You could even try making the explanation as gross as possible as it works really well with horror/suspense stories.

For Jieun, well she was mysterious, however, it's still a big question to me as to why she became that way? You could've added some more details like she became like that because she was fed up with all the bullying and such, but then again, maybe you meant it as a cliffhanger, so I'll leave it with that.

For Woohyun, I have nothing much to say, except the reason why he left in the first place. I'm not sure if I missed that part, but as much as I could remember from your oneshot, you didn't say anything with regards to leave. I wish you elaborated that part.

For Yoseob, well, I was kind of surprised on how he suddenly popped out of nowhere. Again, you lack with his character development. You did put him as one of the main characters; however, he didn't really have that major participation in the story. He was just their cousin, which reminds me of how it came out for me. If he was their uncle's son, then he's Woohyun and Jieun's cousin, so plotting him as having a crush with Jieun is , right? I actually researched this one and some said that it was , some said it wasn't, and some said that it's based on the degree. Nonetheless, this part is a bit qu