"Jongin and Kai"

Author: CheonsaFeather

Main Characters: Kai/Jongin, Sohee (OC), Himchan

Genre: Angst, Gang

Status: On-going

Description of Story: Sohee had the most perfect arranged marriage. Perfect because she loved Jongin and he loved her back. But then he began to change. After being missing for three months, she decided to look into her husbands' affairs. Who is this 'Kai' persona and what part does she play in his so called 'sweet revenge'?

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 3.5/5

To be honest, I'm not very fond of the story title. It seemed a bit... too simple for my liking, and although it held the idea of Jongin having two completely different identities or personalities, it still didn't really emit that vibe that the story held. For instance, the story had that scary, mysterious and thrilling vibe. I guess I would've liked it better if it sounded creepier, perhaps? For that same thought, it might be a disadvantage as well since it sounds too ordinary, though I have never come across a story with that title before, and neither did Google. Needless to say, I’m not really in favor of it, but it was relevant indeed though. It just didn’t capture my interest enough at first glance.

 

Appearance: 7/10

a. Poster and Background. 5/5

The posters were amazing! Not only did they capture the whole idea of Jongin and Kai, but the editing was really superb. I also like how dark they were, as it matched the genres of the story, though I think I would’ve liked it even more if there was some sort of symbolism present. The posters were attractive that I’m sure when readers take a look at them, they’d be enticed as well. Nevertheless, kudos to those designers as they really did a great job!

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 2/5

To be honest, the fonts used weren’t the organized, like the description. Try to use a font style for the preview as well and justify the paragraphs. I guarantee you that it would look better. As for the trailers, try to align them at the center. It looked a bit unorganized since they were all cramped at the left side of the page. Other than that, try to organize your actual chapters, too. Your first chapter was actually nice, as you used a font style for it, which I believe was Georgia. However, it was not justified, so the right side of the paragraphs looked somewhat messy. Try to justify them as well and see how it looks. The same goes for your other chapters. I noticed that you didn’t use font styles for them, which I think you should to be consistent. It would look really presentable as well, and to be honest, font styles do help readers as they read through stories. There was a research once done regarding this. The researchers found that readers felt bad while reading the poorly designed layout. Sometimes, this feeling would be expressed physically with a frown. It was concluded that people exposed to the well-designed layout were found to have higher cognitive focus, more efficient mental processes, and a stronger sense of clarity. The researchers concluded that well-designed reading environments don’t necessarily help you understand what you’re reading better, but they do make you feel good, causing you to feel inspired and more likely to take action.

 

Description and Foreword: 8.5/10

I actually loved your description, mainly because it sounded enticing enough and that you didn’t even state a lot of information along with it. It was a fair amount of information to entice a reader with anticipation, and I loved it! The theme of the story had been clear with it as well. Jongin had changed, had gone missing, and had been committed into doing this so called sweet revenge. The idea held by your description was enough to encourage me into reading.

I had a sudden realization with your description; I even read through the story again to make sure. You said that it had been three months since he had gone missing. I don’t think that was right though. In fact, I discovered that it had been three months since their wedding when things had started to change, according to the third chapter. Also, at the same chapter, it was said that one week later, Jongin had been reported missing. It was a bit confusing though since you did say that after three months, she decided to look into her husband’s affairs. Even so, you did partly implied that she took action after he had gone missing for three months. Urgh. I don’t know. I’m not entirely sure if this was a mistake or something, but yeah. Maybe she would indeed take action three months later? Then again, she was captured, right?

Anyway, I made revisions with your description. Here it is:

(Original Version) Sohee had the most perfect arranged marriage. Perfect because she loved Jongin and he loved her back. But then he began to change. After being missing for three months, she decided to look into her husbands' affairs. Who is this 'Kai' persona and what part does she play in his so called 'sweet revenge'?

(Revised Version) Sohee had the most perfect arranged marriage – perfect because she loved Jongin and he loved her back – but then, he began to change. After he had gone missing for three months, she decided to look into her husband's affairs. Who is this 'Kai' persona and what part does she play in his so called 'sweet revenge'?

I made a couple of revision for your description. The second statement wasn’t a sentence, so I decided to combine it with the first one as a sort of parenthetical element, which had suited the combination as the first sentence had talked about the perfect marriage. For the phrase after being missing for three months, I added the pronoun he, since if you read closely, you’d realize that the phrase would’ve pertained to Sohee instead, when the person who had gone missing for three months was Jongin and not her. Also, the apostrophe for husband’s affairs should be before the s and not after, as it appeared like she had a lot of husbands to begin with. Regular nouns are nouns that form their plurals by adding either the letter s or –es (guy, guys; letter, letters; actress, actresses; etc.). To show plural possession, simply put an apostrophe after the s. However, in your case, the noun wasn’t meant to be plural in the first place, so it should simple be an apostrophe before the s, and not after.

P.S. The trailers were amazing, especially the third one. ^^

 

Character Development: 12.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 4.5/5

You really did well at this. The actions, emotions, thoughts, and whatnot of your characters were thorough. Their actions portray them for who they are, especially Jongin’s. It was really critical to describe him before and after he changed, and I believe that you have done well at that. Your story was really character-driven, with the plot acting more as an afterthought with the development of the character center stage, which in your case, was centered at Jongin or Kai. The way you had described their characters had made the readers – including me – to sympathize with Sohee, that we feel very engaged in reading your story, which was pretty evident from the comments your story had. It had been quite difficult to relate to Sohee’s situation, since it may have never happened to us, your readers, but that’s not really what’s important. What’s more important was that you were able to connect us with her, helping us find your characters very similar to the humans we see in our world today. Their actions were clear to catch our attention, and how they acted made us feel attracted to them, especially the bad guys A.K.A EXO. For instance, I found myself hating some of the boys in the story – particularly Kai. Nevertheless, you did a good job.

I was confused with some part thoughs. Take a look at them:

 “D.O?” Sohee asked, a bit curious at his behavior. “Oh wait, are you thinking about when you… So sorry D.O, I never even considered that. We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

This was a scene from chapter three, I think? It was when Chanyeol, Sohee and D.O. decided to have some fun on the pool. What I found disturbing here was the lack of description for Sohee’s emotions that time? It was as if you broke it down from her dialogue, and not through narration. It would be clearer, in my opinion, if you stopped midway and explained how she felt at that time before she realized that what she said had conflicted D.O. Then you could continue on with her dialogue.

"We are very happy for you, really Jongin, but you are being foolish. Your father arranged this marriage in order for your company to thrive when you take over, which you can't do if you have a family. It's the same thing that happened to my parents. My father only married my mother so he could take over her parent's company. After that, they only stayed married for a year before divorcing. The company stayed in his control and the business thrived, which was the main goal of his marriage. If you have a wife and kids, they will only demand your attention and ultimately you wouldn't be able to work as hard anymore. I would advise you to do the same as my parents did and don't marry with the intention of living together forever. Marry with a business mind-set."

This was what Tao told Kai when the latter at the first chapter, when he confessed that he was falling for Sohee, and boy! Words cannot express how badly I want to kick Tao for saying those words to Kai. Right then and there, I knew that somehow, what Tao had said had impacted Kai, though what he said was indeed true. However, I wasn’t in favor of forcing the latter to simply commit through marriage just because of business matters. It was really unprofessional for Tao, and I hated his character right then and there. Anyway, this dialogue that Tao said had mirrored his actions, too, and it was no surprise to me that he helped Kai, and that he was a part of that gang.

b. Evolution of Characters. 4/5

So far, the only characters that had changed were Kai and his boy buddies. From the tags in your story, I’d say that they were in a gang? Nonetheless, the most complicated character change was with Jongin, as he changed from being Jongin to Kai. The reason to that had been quite confusing so far, though he did mention a few things about Sohee watching as he was shot. I’m not entirely sure who he was pertaining to, but I think it had something to do with his father, as he did seem too sensitive when his father gets talked about. He was indeed the softie at the first part of the story, where a few scenes showed how he loved Sohee dearly, at least be