Author: ajamaine

Main Characters: Kris Wu, Lilly Kim (OC), Jessica Kim (OC)

Genre: Action, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Family, Tragedy

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
What would you do for the ones you love?

Story Title: 4/5

The tittle fits well with the story. However, if I was scrolling through asianfanfics, looking for a story to read, I’m not sure if I would’ve clicked on the story.  It’s original, yes, since I haven’t seen any stories with this tittle so far. It does stand out, but because of the meaning of the word, I wouldn’t really have clicked on your story. I’m personally not a fan of stories which deal with military services and since the tittle gives away that it’s a story about military services, I wouldn’t have clicked on it. It would be a pity if other asianfanfics-users, would do the same. It’s sad, but it’s the truth, people look for stories that they feel comfortable with or like reading. If you want to pull those people out of their comfort-zone, then you should use a tittle which doesn’t give away too much about a plot that they might not want to read.

I don’t recommend changing the tittle though, because it’s original and does have an own charm. The only reason for deducting a point is that it gives a lot away and people who never read out of their comfort-zone might not give it a chance then.

Graphics: 9/10

A poster is the first thing a reader sees after clicking on the story. Depending on who it’s made, it can draw the reader in. I think that you’re poster was well-made. The poster was made in a way to make it look like a poster for a movie. It was the first thing I noticed after when looking at the poster. The second thing I noticed, were the way the colors were used. Black, red and white are dominating the poster. The usage of the color red in the center of the poster and the usage of the color black and white at the sides along with the way the pictures are presented, gave me the feeling that the poster is a poster for a story with action. These were things I noticed when I quickly looked at the poster. Also, after looking a bit more closely, I noticed that the pictures were edited in a way that made it look like the pictures were burned or thorn, which is great. To be very honest, the poster didn’t seem really angsty or dramatic to me, so I deducted a point for that.

Description and Foreword: 3/10

The description was fine. It was a simple sentence which could make people curious. What I really like about it, is that it doesn’t give too much a way. It gives off something mysterious and make the reader wonder what kind of story he or she is going to read. The only problem I have with your description is that you used the color red. I don’t recommend using other colors than black, grey or blue, because it doesn’t look professional.  Of course, this is a fan fiction and you don’t write it for commercial purposes. That doesn’t mean that many colors should be used. Especially for a story like yours. Your story is more serious and therefore something that would make your story seem unprofessional, shouldn’t be there.

The first thing I noticed about your foreword was that it is messy. Seriously, there are pictures and sentences all over the place. The pictures all have different sizes and one is one right of the page and the other two are on the left. This might scare readers off. Try to give the picture the same size and put them on one side. Also, instead of writing the quotes immediately after the picture, try putting it below the picture. You could also try to put a bit of space between the three pictures and between the last quote and the credits and warning.

I think the sentence which gives the readers a brief summary of what the story is about, is to blunt. The combination of using ‘and’ two times in a sentences with the usage of a comma is a bit too much in my eyes. You could try making it a bit differently to give it more effect and draw the readers in. I also suggest putting this in the description instead of the foreword.

I’m going to give you an example of you could try to do it. It’s definitely not the best description. Keep in mind that this is merely an example.

(Original)
    War has broken out between the East and the West and Lilly Kim is caught up in it until she meets mysterious stranger, Kris Wu who helps her escape. 

(Different version if you put this in the description)
    What would you do for the ones you love?
    A war has broken out between the East and the West. Lilly Kim is caught up in this bloody war until someone helps her escape.
    Kris Wu, a man she knows nothing about, helps her get out of it.

There were a few errors in the quotes, so I changed them a bit. Also, I made them a bit shorter, because that gives the quote some more effect. All these different version are examples as well. You don’t need to use them, but I highly recommend you to change the original quotes.

(Original) My love or you knows no bounds, why can't you see that? Why won't you love me back? Please love me Lilly, just like the way i do."

(Different version) Can’t you love me the way I love you?

It’s much shorter and doesn’t give away too much. The quote becomes more dramatic than when more sentences are used.

(Original) "'Sometimes, you have to put your family before self.' That's a saying I'm never going to believe again. I'm sorry for failing you Jessie and I'm sorry Kris for never giving you what you've always wanted the most. I'm so sorry..."

(Different version) “Never, never put your family before yourself.”

This is definitely not the best way, but you get the picture. It’s shorter and more dramatic. The other quote gave too much away and was too long.

Characterization: 3/10

What I like about Lilly is that she