"The Golden Pheasant"

Author: nailea

Main Characters: Luhan, Kris and Sehun

Genre: Angst, Fantasy/Supernatural,

Status: Oneshot, Completed

Description of Story:
One curse. One promise. One love. 
What happens when you break a promise, even if it wasn't made by you?

 

   

Story Title: 4/5

Truthfully, I found the story title quite original -- credits to Google -- since there hasn't been a story with the same title here on Asianfanfics at all, though that type of title is quite common though; you know, with the article "the" to start it and the main subject of the story afterwards. Nevertheless, the title was still quite intriguing, and truthfully, I first thought that you were talking about a peasant, though I soon realized that you were pertaining to the bird, pheasant. It was relevant to the story as well, since Luhan was the pheasant that somehow seeked for revenge. All in all, the title was fine.

 

Appearance: 7.5/10

a. Poster and Background. 3/5

Truthfully, your poster was a very big deal for me since it didn't show any golden pheasant whatsover; hence, it looked non-fantasy-like. As I said earlier, your story might be mistaken, and instead of taking note of the "pheasant" in your title, people might assume for the "peasant" or slave or something, if you get what I mean. Nevertheless, I guess it would be better if there was that bird on the poster. I am not a graphic /poster reviewer as well, so I will not prolong this section. I would, however, like to point out your blank background. Try to ask for a matching background from the shop you had requested, if possible, because the page looked quite dull and boring once I scroll down.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 4.5/5

I have no issues with your lay-out and formatting whatsoever. Your paragraphs were justified, making them look more presentable at both sides. The font style used was somehow matching with the story's genres as well. I guess the only thing that I would like to point out is the font color. It was too grayish for me, maybe because of the font size. Perhaps you can use the darker black font color, since there are two black colors on AFF's text area, right?

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

One of the downsides of your description was the fact that you didn't clearly explain what a pheasant means. For example, me. I know what a pheasant looks like, but not of your readers do. I don't even know if that bird has a particular significance or something. As a writer, one of the things that you should avoid is making your readers research themselves instead of just reading the info on your story. That might deter your plotline as well. For instance, I did research golden pheasants and I found out that they have symbolic pheasant messages, like using one's gifts to get what he wants, knowing when to express himself and when to refrain from doing so, being aware of when to protect himself and his loved ones, and being creative, productive, and tapping into the passions that burn within him. Nevertheless, make sure to look for more ways to describe what a pheasant signifies, though make sure to put only the information that is very relevant to the story.

One curse. One promise. One love. 
What happens when you break a promise, even if it wasn't made by you?

Your introduction / description, as seen above, was quite intriguing to be honest, especially with the last line. It makes me wonder how one would break a promise when he didn't even make it himself. And then, when I read the story, it made more sense. It all clicked. I guess the downside to that was that you made it sound too romantic instead of being more fantasy-like, but I guess that was how you want it to sound like? Nevertheless, I was really surprised with the sudden turn or events when as I read through your story.

(Original Version) “Thank you for giving me this” Sehun’s droopy eyes looked up once again to the boy in front of him before a loud cry of pain left his own lips, the boy had pushed his hand through his chest, ripping his heart out, blood dripped down his mouth and the last thing he saw before he died was those bird like features the boy had. He was finally able to recognize it, the same bird he helped inside his bedroom, so beautiful, so wrong. He was eating his heart. 

(Revised Version) “Thank you for giving this to me,” Sehun’s droopy eyes looked up once again to the boy in front of him, before a loud cry of pain left his own lips. The boy had pushed his claw through his chest, ripping his heart out. Blood dripped down his mouth, and the last thing he saw before he died was those bird-like features that the boy had. He was finally able to recognize it -- the same bird he helped inside his bedroom. It was so beautiful, yet so wrong, because he was eating his heart.

Above is your version together with my revision. Now, why did I change your foreword? It's because of the grammatical errors that I found within. Seriously. You lack with the right punctuations, and there were a lot of run-on sentences. It was like you glued your sentences together that it made no sense when I read it out loud due to the lack of pauses. I also replaced a couple of words, like "hand" into "claw," since it'd be weird that his hand alone had ripped Sehun's heart out.

On another note, I am not a hundred percent fan of your foreword, since you kind of revealed "the boy's" true nature, with him eating Sehun's heart. Through your foreword, I kind of predicted the ending then and there, except the thing with Kris' father though.

 

Character Development: 13.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 4.5/5

You were in the brink of show and tell, to be honest. You did describe them well, but there were quite a lot of times when I felt as if you were lacking in description, especially whenever Luhan transforms into his human form, on into his golden pheasant form. I wanted to know the specs of him being a pheasant at that, like how big or small the bird was compared to his actual size, and so on. You didn't lack in describing Kris and Luhan at some aspects though.

Kris, on the other hand, seemed like the normal guy in the story that had feelings for one of the main characters. He was unaware of the events that took place on Sehun's account, though he was very caring as he even went to Sehun's house out of curiousty and anxiety, since he really cared for the latter. It was unfortunate that Kris and Sehun died eventually due to Luhan's curse, but all happens with reason, even if they didn't deserve it. Let's discuss Luhan's character now.

Somehow, Luhan was your wild card. His character was a bit confusing, but I knew where he was coming from. The fact that you didn't necessarily explore his emotions had made the story even more interesting and mysterious. His actions were sinister-like, yet he seemedto be acting quite nonchalantly that I llike it. Yifan, Kris' father, had in fact left him in the woods with the "witch" when they were supposedly in love with each other, so it's understandable that he was seeking revenge. At the same time, he was a conflicted character, as he still showed his affection to Yifan, or more like Kris since he had mistaken him for his lover. 

One of the things that bothered me the most was Luhan's age then. You said that it was a curse, yet you didn't quite explore what curse it truly was. I couldn't find a golden pheasant's age on the internet because I'm too lazy to look longer, but yeah. Was it even related to a golden pheasant's age? I hope that you could somehow include that, since I really want to know if the age comes with the curse. If it was during Kris' childhood that his father and Luhan had an affair (and his father committed suicide), then it should've been at least ten years after, then? Did Luhan age? Or not? How different did he look then? I'm assuming that he looked younger since you kept on referring him as "the boy." Still, do elaborate on that part in case you do some revisions.

b. Evolution of Characters. 4/5

Your story was only a oneshot, containing a single chapter throughout, so I can't say that your characters had evolved tremendously. I can say that their personalities in terms of the plotline were constant though, and although there were quite a few confusing scenes, their personalities were relateable and understanding. I have to pinpoint the part where Kris remembered his father's death. It was quite surprising that he remembered that scene when Luhan kissed him.

By the way, did he have that flashback because Luhan kissed him, or...? Nevertheless, I would've preferred if you elaborated his thoughts then? Did some feelings course back through him? Did he feel sad as he remembered how his father commited suicide? Did he feel hatred upon realizing that his father was having an affair with the boy who was kissing him at that moment? Whatever happened to his mother? There were some of the things that I grew curious about as I finished reading your story.

c. Point of View Used. 5/5

It was good that you used a third person's point of view. Using a particular character's POV would not have been preferable, since you'd be revealing a lot from that matter. Because the narrator and the viewpoint character are two different people, meaning that the narrator can say things about the viewpoint character that the viewpoint character probably wouldn't admit to themselves, the mystery along the plot remained consistent. Then again, it depends on your execution. Anyway, you made good use of your chosen POV, and it was consistent throughout. There were a few pop-up thoughts from some of your characters, particularly with Kris, but you didn't overexaggerate those, and you only used an ample amount of thoughts to help us understand the characters more.

 

Plot: 27.5/35

a. Originality. 4.5/5

The stor