Calling for thecrownedraven

"The Lamb's Demon"

Author: thecrownedraven

Main Characters: Yifan Wu, Shixun Wu, Jun Wu (OC), rest of EXO, appearances of Changmin, Junsu, Siwon, and others

Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Family, Romance, School Life, 

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Three parentless brothers struggle to maintain their home and lifestyle. Behind their expertly-played facades, lies three broken brothers with their own demons. Through certain circumstances, their lives spiral down to hell in more than one way.

    Critique:

Story Title: 2.5/5

‘The Lamb’s Demon’, the phrasing is good. It’s interesting and the opposing images of a lamb and demon creates a contrast which will surely make people curious. So good going, but, the title, as of yet, has no real relation to the story. As of yet.

I noticed you repeatedly referred to Jun as the lamb of the family and the baby of the family and I’ll assume that he has some dark inner voice like Kris and Sehun (or something like that). If I’m right, I don’t have a problem with the current title since you have a clear direction of where you want to go, but if I’m not, I’d suggest you seriously sit and either find a new, meaningful name or make this one more meaningful.

 

Graphics: 9/10

The graphics were nice. You have a nice poster with pictures of the three brothers, with claw marks running along their faces. So makes me expect some kind of dark or dangerous situation in the story, a bit like the show “Supernatural” and its poster with the Winchester brothers. Together with the title, “A Lamb’s Demon”, I’m expecting a feud of some sort among the Wu brothers and the forces of evil.

Now, if that is in fact the type of image you wanted to project, good job. You’ve accomplished that. But if the story is not of that kind, I would suggest re-thinking/making the poster. I like the background; the cracked wall like image captures the feel of the story. Either way, I won’t nitpick about the poster since a story is the words that fill the book, not the picture on the cover.

However, on this front I have an issue. Was it really essential to the story to add pictures at the start of every chapter?

It was incredibly distracting and the page had become graphic-heavy for no reason.

 

Description and Foreword: 6/10

Oh dear, what do I say, there was an error from the first sentence in the description. Which is a pretty bad thing since the description is not only the story’s introduction to a potential reader, it’s yours. Therefore, it is imperative that the opening is impeccable, and if possible, succinct. Although the later is not that important.

Anyway back to point.

Mistake: "A demon's job is to destroy an innocence.”

Correction: innocence/the innocent. (Innocence is general and we are personifying the quality of innocence and in the second option, we are speaking about a specific person who is innocent. Pick which ever suites your fancy.)

Original Text (Problems are marked in red):

Behind their expertly-played facade, lies three broken brothers with their own problems. Having a little amount of money they received from their parents’ wills, the boys (…) work hard to help one another. Wanting him safe, Yifan sent his little brother to a better school, while Shixun and he went to a school run by delinquents. They pray to see the next day and hope they can manage to keep living.
(…)
Through certain circumstances, their lives spiral down to hell, in more ways than one.

Corrections:

i. Lie. Suggestion: ‘Hide’ might be a better word. 

ii. Will – the parents here appear as a singular entity.

iii. (…) – something is missing here. Currently it doesn’t feel impactful. Suggestion: “Have to work hard to support one another.”

iv. Him – it’s unclear who is this ‘him’. Because at the moment it sounds like Yifan is talking or thinking of himself. By rule, a pronoun is defined by the noun used directly before or after it, which in this case is Yifan. But the ‘him’ you were trying to convey was Jun.

The sentence needs to change to better accommodate that.

A suggestion would be to use more sentences and display Yifan’s and Shixun’s protective tendencies towards their younger brother before saying that.

v. (…) – At the moment the passage doesn’t have any clinching point. Nothing that creates a tension or promise of something more. The last sentence seems like your hint towards the real plot, which has yet to make a proper entry. So to create the pause, separate the paragraphs and in between write ‘However’ in italics.

vi. ‘Through certain circumstances’ is an unattractive phrase and should not appear in the description. It shows that you as a writer don’t have a clear idea where you want to take your story. So please eliminate it.

Suggestion: What they don’t know yet is what really awaits them in the future. Their lives are about spiral down to hell, in more ways than one.

Also, the italics in the earlier paragraph (like the word ‘broken’) is unnecessary. Use italics only in the last sentence for ‘in more ways than one’ and for the ‘however’ between the para breaks. Doing this will keep the contrast and stress the end. Overusing stress words decreases their impact, so it’s better to use them sparingly.    

 

Characterization: 2/10

Oh… I have much to say for this category and I’ll warn you, it probably won’t be a good read. But, it’s important so I implore you to read and try to understand what I’m trying to say.

For starters, this is an angst story. Meaning, the reaction that is expected from its readers is sympathy. And in the hands of someone skilled, maybe even empathy. But we can worry about that bit later.

Now, unlike what people think, the component of the story that really effects people and brings