"Mortal Guardian"

Author: aibeast

Main Characters: Changjo, Ricky, Chunji

Genre: Angst, Family, Fantasy/Supernatural, Romance, Tragedy,

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
would you save me, jonghyun? from my own destiny.
ricky's eyes flushes with tears as he asked the one person he believe would trade the world to change the fate between them. he knew that even with such faith, it was a question anyone would never dare answering. he knew that he was hopelessly trapped in a world of angels and demons of chanhee. that even when chunji had those white glistening wings on his back, he was also the devil.
changhyun knew he could never escape....
"well i would. No i will. I'll save you changhyun'ah with all i can"
"even if it meant being killed"
however changhyun also knows of jonghyun's answer. An answer that was fatal for both of them, so with that in mind, he bursted into tears. kneeling on the floor, begging jonghyun to leave....
but changjo could never leave. And ricky knew that too....

Story Title: 4/5

Your title was very catchy and relevant to your story. It's not that unique since there are some story titles with nearly the same as yours, but still, I found it unique. From one glance, you can already tell that's it's fantasy-themed, so good job for choosing the right title for your story. An issue for me though is the capitalization of your title. I know a lot of readers are very picky in reading stories, and one of the reasons why they don't read further is because of capitalization. How do I know? Because I'm one of them. I usually get turned off with wrong capitalizations as I think it's a bit unprofessional, no offense, but then again, maybe it's just me. Anyways, for the same of argument, correct the capitalization so it would come out like this: "Mortal Guardian." Doesn't it look better? =="

Graphics: 4/10

In all honestly, I don't fancy your poster. Mainly because I don't think that's Changjo and Ricky on the poster. I don't know if my eyes are deceiving me, but I don't think that's them. Am I wrong? Nonetheless, I still don't fancy it, simply because it doesn't scream the word fantasy. I admire you though for making your own poster, but again, no offense, I think it's better to request your graphics from graphic shops here on AFF. There are a lot of good shops here, and they'd be more than willing to do the job for you.

P.S. I gave you 4 points because of your effort in making your own poster and for putting a background for your story, as well as putting different character posters per chapter. However, my advice is still the same. Do request from graphics shops out there. Poster are what most readers look for in a story. I, myself, admit that I look at the poster after the title, and if the poster is worth looking at, then I'd proceed with the description, then at reading the story itself. That's what I'm implying. If you want more readers, then try focusing on the other elements and aspects of your story, in this case, graphics. I mean, it's worth the shot, right?

Description and Foreword: 5/10

So first of all, your description can be considered as a description, but it's somehow a sneak peek or something. I have nothing against it though. I just thought that it's better if you had a brief description of your overall story, but then again, your sneak peek sounds cool so there's no issue in that.

You description was somehow enticing, but there are a lot of errors on it, mostly consisting of wrong verb tenses and usage, and wrong capitalizations. Also, you tend to align the dialogues at the center, which is a bit... irritating for me. Haha. Sorry, but I'm not used to dialogues written in that format, specially since you used constant font-color changing style. Honestly, it's a bit irritating and nerve-wracking for me. It was close to being cringe-worthy, but that's just me though, so don't get discouraged. I recommend sticking to black font color, and arranging your dialogues. Here's my version of your description:

(Revised Version)

"Would you save me, Jonghyun? From my own destiny?" Ricky asked the boy.

Ricky's eyes flushed with tears as he asked the only person he believed would trade the world to change the fate between them. He knew that even with such faith, it was a question anyone would never dare to answer. He knew that he was hopelessly trapped in a world of angels and demons of Chunji, that even when he had those white, glistening wings on his back, he was also the devil himself. Ricky knew he could never escape.

"Well I would. No I will. I'll save you with all I can Changhyun-ah, even if it meant being killed," Changjo said.

However, Ricky already knew of Changjo's answer. It was an answer that was fatal for both of them, and with that in mind, he burst into tears, kneeled on the floor and begged Jonghyun to leave...

But Changjo could never leave, and Ricky knew that too....

So yeah! Here's my version. I'm not quite proud with this one, although I think that this sound better than the original one. I corrected most of your mistakes, like the verb tenses and the capitalization. Honestly, they were only minor ones, but they can cause a huge dissatisfaction for some of your readers (although some wouldn't mind). An issue for me was the names. Chunji, Chanhee, Changhyun, Ricky, Chanjo and Jonghyun. They were confusing, and for those readers who are not familiar with Teen Top, I'm pretty sure they'd get confused. Heck, I was even confused as well despite me being a Teen Top fan myself. I advise to avoid switching their names, and try sticking to the other name in special occasions, like for example if Ricky is used to calling Changjo Jonghyun, then just use it for his dialogues, or better yet, just stick to one name. Less hassle.

For your character pictures below, well, I honestly don't think you need one since you didn't really state any important information of them, but I kind of admire how some of the picture were edited, specially their eyes. I would prefer a character chart though (a single picture containing all your characters), still with their eye colors. The pictures you put were kind of distracting as they have different sizes, color, and style. It looked like you just took it from Google (no offense). I just think that it would look more professional if you had a character chart.

Characterization: 8/10

So for fantasy stories like yours, always remember that great characters are larger than life itself. For example, if one of the characters is experiencing extreme anger, then don't just portray him by letting him scowl all the time. Try making his character more scandalous, like making him trash the whole place out. It would make him more interesting and outrageous, his character standing out. Also, your characters need to have the complexities of a real person. That means a history, motives, dreams, fears, loves, interests, and desires. Try describing their appearance for example. You somehow succeeded in this case, however, try connecting a character's appearance to his personality. Think about how your character expresses himself. Is his voice loud and confident, or shy and quiet? Does he have any catch phrases? What is his body language like? Do your characters have any physical habits? Describe your characters’ background. Where do they come from and what have they done in life? How does this affect the way they’ll act in the future? What are their goals? What do they like and dislike? Does the character have any quirks? Write about how they think about the other characters in the story. If they love another character-