"Kiss The Ring and Bow Down"

Author: Ryuujin

Main Characters: Chanyeol and Baekhyun

Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Friendship,

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
Baekhyun is a thief and his new target is no one else but the prince Chanyeol himself.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

The title was actually fine and enticing enough for me. I mean, sure, you didn’t any sophisticated words or anything, but the way the title was relaying something about the story itself made me love it at first glance. On the downside, it was utterly long and lengthy, so I guess some readers might find a few difficulties in remembering your title. However, it doesn’t really matter. The very first impression that your title gives to your readers is more important, and the way that it sort of created interest and anticipation is enough proof that you did a good job in choosing the right title for your story. That type of title is a bit overused in my opinion though, hence the deducted point, though I like the “Kiss the Ring” part though in the title since the ring was really important and relevant in the story. On another note, please correct the capitalization of your title. Remember that only the first and last word, nouns, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, verbs, and subordinating conjunctions must be capitalized. As for your title, you capitalized the article “the,” which should’ve been lowercased instead. The title should be, “Kiss the Ring and Bow Down.”

 

Appearance: 3/5

a. Poster and Background. 0/0

Since you didn’t have a poster for your story, I decided to exclude this section from the over-all grading. Do try and request from a graphic shop though when you have time, as poster to help attract readers into reading your story. Request for a matching background, too.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 3/5

I gave you a low grade for this one since I felt troubled with the lay-out that you used for your chapters. I mean, for one, I believe that it would look better if the lay-out was positioned at the center instead, so as the spaces present in both sides were equal and balanced. Aside from that, I found the font size used relatively small, too. Try to fix the alignments on some of the chapters, too. The first chapter’s paragraphs were justified, but the following chapters weren’t, making the formatting inconsistent. Other than that, do try to fix the lay-out used and the formatting next time as readers do feel troubled at times because of those.

 

Description and Foreword: 7/10

Your description was short, simple, and straight to the point. I have no issue with that whatsoever, but I did feel as if it was lacking at some point. After all, your story was a chaptered one, so I expected a description longer with maybe three of four sentences max. Since the main genre used in your story was “historical,” too, I expected the description to sound pre-historic or something – with your choice of words matching the era that you used. Other than that, it did seem as if you kind of explained the story more in the foreword instead of the description, so it seemed as if that one sentenced description didn’t really do its part.

 

Character Development: 11.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 3/5

To be completely honest, I was supposed to give you a relatively high grade for this section during the introductory phase of the story. However, as I read through the next chapters, I began to feel troubled. For one, I lost my grip on their characters and their utter personalities, as I felt like their emotions and actions were inconsistent. I also felt like you were pushing too much on their love line, as if you were making it to a point that their pairing was evident in the story. Moreover, that issue that I felt kind of made the pace faster than necessary, though let me explain this more in detail so as not to confuse you.

At the introductory phase of the story, you had kept on introducing Baekhyun as the Ferret, the thief that no one knew – some even tried to find and behead him. On the other hand, Chanyeol was introduced as the prince that was somehow “heavy to handle,” as you have said it. Though that part where he was heavy to handle wasn’t really that elaborated, Chanyeol came out as a rightful prince of some sort. He wasn’t the typical spoiled and bratty prince in typical stories that try to rebel and everything. In fact, he sort of looked like a normal prince for my liking, who was simply looking for a squire. He didn’t seem like the usual playful Chanyeol in real life, too, and the fact that his side of the story wasn’t focused at in the story didn’t help me understand his character more, though it’s quite understandable. Baekhyun, on the other hand, was cocky most of the time, which was a bit understandable coming from being the infamous Ferret.

Now, the issue that I encountered was after they went through that duel where Baekhyun lost. There had been a few hints done with the closeness that they had and everything, which did seem like a first for Baekhyun. During the following chapters, there came the scenes where Baekhyun even helped Chanyeol with buttoning his shirt, sleeping on the same bed because apparently, they were both tired, and saving one from a supposed harassment from a drunken guest. It all happened too soon, though let’s discuss this further in the flow of the story section. Anyways, the actions didn’t match up, still. For instance, Chanyeol was the prince, for God’s sake. Didn’t he even think of his reputation and whatnot in case someone happens to go or peek inside the room and see the position they were in?

He didn’t seem to act like a prince most of the time, too. Heck, I even expected him to somehow doubt Baekhyun at some point, since Baekhyun had willingly tried out as his squire after all. Didn’t he think that the latter might have an ulterior motive or something? As the prince, I expected him to be more cautious, especially with people that he would have to trust as he hired them to work for him.

b. Evolution of Characters. 3/5/5

I can’t really comment on this section much seeing as how you only have five chapters at the moment, and the story has yet to progress. However, in relation to the previous section, I’d say that their character as evolving too fast – particularly with their emotions and affections towards one another. Try to slow it down and focus on what’s at stake at first. As much as possible, do not emphasize the growing “love” between the two main character as that would destroy the implication of the conflicts revolving around Baekhyun being duke and the ring – or a few more that are still unknown – in the future.

c. Point of View Used. 5/5

It was really advantageous to use a third person’s point of view to narrate your story. One of the advantages that it gave your story was that it was able to get inside the minds of multiple characters and delve deeper into emotions and relationships. Omniscience seems a natural choice for stories of an epic nature as well, just like yours as you used a historical genre after all. If you are telling a story with lots of characters, that spans many years and covers many lands/areas, then an omniscient POV is going to be your friend. It helped a few actions in the story sound realistic and more understandable, too, especially that part where Baekhyun and Chanyeol found against each other, which Baekhyun lost eventually. If you used a different type of POV, then it would be limited, and the scene might’ve been hard to be comprehended.

 

Plot: 25.5/35

a. Originality. 4/5

In terms of the idea originality here on Asianfanfics, I’d have to say that it was original enough, seeing as how only a few stories with historical settings are present here, though most of the scenes were predictable enough in your story that kind of gave the stories away. Nevertheless, do present us more twists in the story to keep us going. It’d be best to surprise us most of the time, since not all people prefer historical stories and whatnot, though you didn’t really focus on the historical part/culture of the story anyways.

b. Setting of the Story. 3.5/5

Stargon. Greyvouk. These places are not within Korea, am I correct? This is something that had bothered me the moment I first read the place “Stargon.” It seemed unfitting, especially since you are using Korean characters after all. I had expected Korean places, terms, and whatnot at first, so as to be consistent. Nonetheless, I do understand that you wanted to use a setting dated in the middle century with knights and royals. It’s just weird for me since that was not how it had been in Korea. I had deducted a point and a half because of this one, mostly because the setting seemed unfitting with how you used the characters. Despite that, you did explore the setting that so happened to be in the middle century, so kudos for that.

c. Theme of the Story. 3.5/5

To be quite honest, I can’t get the gist of the theme of your story. I mean, sure, it involved some kind of treachery and love along the way; however, I can’t seem to grasp the ideal of all of it. It maybe because the story has yet to progress. Either way, the confusing characterization that I had discussed a few sections back and a few confusing parts