Calling for pegase2311

"Differences Between Us"

Author: pegase2311

Main Characters: Lay-Krystal, Kris-Dara

Genre: Drama, Romance, Romcom

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
Lay and Krystal was a stranger. At one point, they hate each other even they never see each other. Like fairytale, when they finally meet they end up loving each other and living together. But their happiness doesn't last long, when suddenly Krystal got pregnant.

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 2/5

A title is the first thing that a reader sees. So it should be something intriguing, unique, and mysterious while also bearing a connection to the story. 

Starting with positives, the title does relate to the story as can be seen from the very start of the fic. But, it leaves nothing for the reader’s. Also, as a title, ‘Differences between Us” is a rather common one; upon searching I found at least 7 other fics with the same title here on AFF and about a dozen more on fanfictions.net. Furthermore, it’s not very memorable. 

May be something like, “Nine” to foreshadow the pregnancy and their own growth during the time or “A Chance at Something New” which foreshadows pretty much ALL the changes that occur during the fic. Also, both titles are new to AFF to date. They might not be the best, but they are related to the main aspect of the story – change/growth.

I know choosing titles is a daunting task, but it’s always a good trick to think up a few possibilities by brainstorming before settling for one.

 

Graphics: 7.5/10

The poster depicts the drama but the fact that is a romance fic gets lost in the haze. The tone is too dark. Your second poster fits the middle section of your fic when they pretty much can’t stand each other and there are feelings of victimization, but overall, it’s too dull. I personally thought there might be character deaths or such when I first saw the poster. Comparatively, the background is better and the quote is well used. And I really like the chapter layout. It complements the story perfectly.

Over all, the graphics is good. A brighter poster might be better.

 

Description and Foreword: 6.5/10

To start off, the description was eye catching and would make the reader curious. The statement is very general and hence made me curious about how it relates to the characters. So great job!

However, there are structural issues through out, and quite a bit of it.
Original: ‘Falling in Love is very Easy to do...’
~ This statement just begs the question “easy ‘what’ to do?” Instead you could’ve simply stopped at the word ‘easy’ or added a word like ‘thing’ after easy. ~
You probably can’t change it now but still, it’s a suggestion.

Then I see a small flaw in how you use singular and plural forms of verbs and the word ‘between’ doesn’t really go in that context.

Original:
‘This is a life between two people who doesn't know each other.’
‘This is a story about four people who has many differences.’
Improvement:
‘This is life, shared between two people who don’t know each other.’
‘This is a story about four people who have many differences.’

Also, in the third line, the word ‘between’ doesn’t fit the line and becomes confusing; and, the sentence itself is strange.
Improvements:
“This is the life between two strangers.” Or “This is the life created when one stranger meets another.”

The dialogues themselves are okay and do a good job to orient the readers without giving away too much. So thumbs up on that!

I know the mark seems a little too less but I’d like to remind you that the description and foreword is the first part of the story the reader reads before actually forming an opinion about it. Clumsy grammar reflects badly on both the story and its author. But yeah, if you fix the problems, the description & foreword would’ve been near perfect

 

Characterization: 8.5/10

In terms of characterisation I have very little to complain about. The change in Lay and even Krystal was slow and well paced. We saw what they were thinking and how the situations made them think abo