"The Art of Racing in The Rain"

Author: DramaGeek

Main Characters: Kai; Sehun; OC

Genre: Angst, Drama, Friendship, Romance, , War

Status: Oneshot, Completed

Description of Story:
This story is about two young men who are sent to the Vietnam War. Sehun has always been in love with Kai and see at the war an opportunity to develop his love (since they are away from the expectations of their families and because of Kai's weak mental state after all the killings), but Kai forms an unexpected attachment to a Vietnamese girl.

 

   

Story Title: 4.5/5

The title was most definitely interest-worthy. The relevance of the rain was superb as well, as the story started with a rain, where Kai first gazed at Cham, and ended with a rain as well, when Sehun was being punished, who died eventually with the last thought of protecting Kai on his mind. Gosh, it was so touching. Sigh. Anyway, I can't say the same for the story title as a lot of stories have the same format as that, starting off with "The Art of...," etc. That's my only other issue though, apart from the capitalization of the article "the" in your title. Remember that articles should not be capitalized, unless it's used to start the title.

 

Appearance: 8/10

a. Poster and Background. 4/5

I am not quite a fan of your poster, mainly because it was hard to determine what the story was all about at first glance. It got the main thought going though, but technically speaking, it didn't scream war, despite the glooming color scheme used. It was good that you used a Vietnamese woman to portray Cham, but then again, they looked too... presentable, as if they weren't involved in a war. They didn't sound much like how you described them in the story, but that's understandable as pictures are limited. Furthermore, Sehun and Kai didn't look like soldiers, to be honest, and the way that they were designed against the clouds made them seem so distant. Cham may be portrayed as the main character of the story as well from the way she and the other two were edited. Still, Cham looks a bit awkward with her pose, and the two men looked more like angels. Lol. I loved the way Kai looks at Cham affectionately on the poster though.

Since you do not have any background for your story, I will not be grading this section so as not to affect your final grade. However, I do suggest you to get one, as a background do help your story attract more readers. Normally, it is important to catch your readers' attention visually, as it is more effective than them reading all of those text below. It's effective, too, and it takes only an ample amount of time than that of reading. It helps reduce the dullness of the page as the reader scrolls down. I mean, they wouldn't see the poster until the very end, right?

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 4/5

Well, I'm totally fine with your formatting and lay-out to be honest, though I think that it may not be attractive and presentable enough for some picky readers. It's good that you justified your paragraphs as it made the page look more presentable, but try to fix the other elements. For instance, try to use a fancier font that the one that you are using, or you can use two different font styles to differentiate Kai and Sehun's point of views as well, if you get what I mean. Furthermore, I think some of your paragraphs were too long, making them seem boring to read, but then again, maybe it was just me. I had the same issue with one of my stories before, and a lot of my co-reviewers told me that my paragraphs were too long and boring. Do take note of that as well as it might be one of your determining factors, too. Other than that, all is fine for me.

 

Description and Foreword: 8.5/10

Your description was truly promising, to be honest. It showed off what type of story it truly was, pointing out the major fact that it involved war and love. The only issue that I have was the redundancy of the single sentence in constract to the longer description that you provided in your foreword. It was a bit redundant, if you ask me, especially as I read through the second paragraph. It was as if you just repeated that sentence, so why not just stick with the longer description to make it more understandable?

Furthermore, I found several minor, grammatical mistakes all over your foreword, though take note, they were only minor, so don't worry. Technically, your sentences doesn't sound so wrong. There were just a couple of errors involving the sentence structure, the plurality of some of your nouns, and a few tense errors. However, all in all, your description was defiantly enticing. Good job. Anyway, here is your version and the verion that I made with regards to the errors that I have mentioned before.

(Original Version)

It seemed like heaven itself was crying, damning all of us soldiers that were following orders that were never supposed to have been uttered. Tâi Vinh Village was destroyed. And amid it all, I saw her. Quiet – not a single tear on her eyes – and staring right at me. Beside her, an old woman and a little boy cried for a bloodied dead man, but she just stared with her dark, dark eyes.

The sad thing about war is that it changes people. A man who was considered very brave on his homeland may be rendered a coward on the battlefield, while someone who was thought of as cheater turns himself into a great soldier. And while war changes all of the people who participate in it, I can’t really see how exactly it changed me.

But maybe that is because I’m always so worried looking out for Kai.

(Revised Version)

It seemed like heaven itself was crying, damning all of us soldiers who were following orders that were never supposed to have been uttered. Tâi Vinh Village was destroyed, and amidst it all, I saw her. She was queit, not a single tear on her eyes, and was staring right at me with her dark eyes. Beside her was an old woman and a little boy who were crying for a bloodied, dead man.

The sad thing about the war was that it changed people. A man who was considered very brave on his homeland may be rendered a coward on the battlefield, while someone who was thought of as a cheater may turn himself into a great soldier. And while the war changed all of the people who participated in it, I can’t really see how exactly it changed me.

But maybe that was because I was always so worried at looking out for Kai.

I revised quite a few parts, removing those that I think are redundant or repetitive. You may or may not use my revised version, as it is completely due to your final decision as you are the author.  I do advise you to correct the grammatical mistakes that you had committed, such as the wrong and unnecessary punctuation marks, the tenses used, and the sentence structure, as it affected the flow of the whole foreword whilst I was reading it. All in all though, you did a good job with your description. It defiantly did sound enticing. Nice job!

 

Character Development: 14/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 4.5/5

I have to say that you really did well at this section. Not only was the execution of their emotions were portrayed well, but their actions as well, though I have a slight issue about that when it came to that part where Sehun and Kai used to cuddle, but let's talk about that later. Anyway, you did really well at this point. Their actions matched the characters that they were supposed to be in the story, and I wasn't particularly confused as the plot was easy to understand. Nevertheless, you did well, so let's start with the individual assessment of your characters.

Let's start of with Kim Jongin. He was a man with honor, and it was quite troubling to read a story where the soldier was fighting against a country that he really didn't want to destroy, especially when he had a fiance and her family on that village near the war. He wasn't my favorite character in the story, rather Sehun, but then again, his character was understandable. In fact, I wanted to know why he was a part of the war in the first place, when he didn't even seem fit enough nor motivated to do those deeds. Still, he was honorable, though the ending was quite sickening to read since he sort of left his friend behind for his fiance. Then again, I understood where he was coming.

Now let's get going with our very own, Oh Sehun. For me, he was a very complex character, though not so much as I understood where he was coming from. He was my favorite character, to be honest. He was the most realistic character in my opinion, too. He wasn't all good nor all bad. He was safe in the middle. He makes wrong decisions, which he thought was right that turned wrong at the end, if you get what I mean. I didn't quite understand how he used his time with Sehun to develop his love for the latter, when they were away from the expectations of their families. He didn't really go althrough out with that.

Now, back to the cuddling issue, I was quite concerned when Sehun confessed at Kai, whom turned down his confession as soon as he heard it after he got surprised. I think you mentioned this in your form when you requested? Still, it w