"Secrets Under The Autumn Rain"

Author: Papuru

Main Characters: Bae Suzy and Oh Sehun

Genre: Angst, Fluff, Friendship, Romance, Romcom

Status: On-going

Description of Story: "Your first love isn't always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone else to. The person you will never get over, even when you've convinced yourself you've moved on."
A Girl Who Is A Pluviophile: The one who finds joy and peace of mind during rainy days. A lonely outcast who has never been cared for her existence. There are times when she has many opportunities leading her to the path of death. Yet, she still chose to live despite the fact her time in this world is going the end very soon.
A Boy With Astraphobia: The one who has an abnormal fear of thunder and lightning. A top student who depends on Autumn where the leaves fall like rain. Waiting and waiting until the last leaf from the tree of memories drop onto the ground. And the last one falling will choose whether he wants to live or not.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 4/5

First and foremost, you should correct the capitalization of your title. It should be “Secrets under the Autumn Rain” instead. There are underlying rules for the proper capitalization of titles. The first and last word of the title should always be capitalized, as well as nouns – both common and proper nouns – pronouns, adjectives, verbs, adverbs, and subordinating conjunctions. On the other hand, remember that articles – a, an, and the – should be lowercased, as well as coordinating conjunctions – FANBOYS – and prepositions. The infinitive “to” should be lowercased as well. For good practice, you should use title capitalization generators to be sure. There are a lot of websites that offer that service, too, so they shouldn’t be hard to find.

As for your title in general, it was actually my cup of tea. I mean, it really sound astounding, especially with the autumn rain on tow. It gave me an angst vibe, which was definitely a good thing since your story was of angst, right? It made me curious as to what those secrets under the autumn rain were, and it gave me a few imaginative scenes in my head that produced anticipation, which is what most titles should have. You did a nice job at choosing your title. Good job!

 

Appearance: 7/10

a. Poster and Background. 3.5/5

To be honest, I was overwhelmed by your poster. It was really good! The way Suzy’s head was leaning on Sehun’s shoulder looked really natural, too, and the two of them were even looking at the same direction, as it they really were under the “autumn rain” or something. The only thing that bothered me was that it didn’t really say anything about the autumn rain. To be quite honest, the way Sehun and Suzy had sat there looked more like they were leaning on a tree or something, and that they were watching the autumn, maybe? That would’ve made more sense, to be honest, and the title would’ve been emphasized at that. I just didn’t understand why a crumpled paper was used as the background. I’m not sure if it had something to do with the future scenes or something, but yeah. It was confusing, and I would’ve liked it more if the poster looked nature-y, as you did emphasize the “autumn” and the “rain” a lot of times before.

Also, their clothes didn’t match the autumn season – at least Sehun’s didn’t. I was expecting thicker clothes, to be honest, since most people do wear thicker clothes during autumn as winter would soon be approaching them. Aside from that, I also think that the background would’ve looked better if it didn’t look too much tiled. It had something to do with the color scheme used, and the tint effect it had – I don’t know how it’s called. Nonetheless, it would’ve looked better if there were no outlines and whatnot, and if the background flowed flawlessly. Anyway, I do understand that pictures are limited, and that you didn’t make the poster yourself, but overall though, the poster was lovely. A few things were just contradicting for my liking.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 3.5/5

To be quite honest, I was surprised that you were able to use a font that Asianfanfics cannot provide. I mean, it’s not every day that I see someone using another font. I think you’re the second person to use that font style – that I’ve seen – here on Asianfanfics. Anyway, the font styles used had matched the “feel of the story.” I just felt like the font sizes used in the description and foreword section were too big, and that font, which I think was “MV Boli,” had looked too fluffy for my liking, that didn’t match the angst vibe that the text was supposed to emit. Apart from that, I also think that you should justify your paragraphs in your chapters, since the alignment did look a bit messy on the right side of the page. I think it would look more presentable, too, if you justify them. 

By the way, that divider or something that you placed at the very first part of each chapter – the one that was placed below the chapter title (ex: …The Start), I think the chapter title would look better if you align it at the center, since that divider kind of gave off that effect, based from the shadowing and whatnot it gave off. Try to align the text in the middle and see how it looks – maybe increase the font size for a bit, too? Anyway, do try it. I deem the picture a bit mismatching with the alignment of that chapter title.

 

Description and Foreword: 5/10

I actually can’t find your description. Was it the quote about love that was placed first in the description part? If so, then I think you should change it, since it didn’t really say anything about the actual story. In fact, I don’t think it focused on the theme of the story. It sounded much of a romance than of angst, and I do believe that it should talk about giving up or something, so as to support Sehun’s case on the first two chapters. Moreover, that quote talked about moving on, too, which I don’t think suits the events. Even so, you can still keep it, but do provide an actual description for the story, saying something about what the story was all about. (I’m sorry if I’m a bit confusing here. I can’t really say much either since the story hasn’t progressed yet, but yeah. I don’t think the current chapters – or the future chapters -- would focus on “first loves” or something.)

On another note, I’m not a big fan of character charts. Most people don’t, to be fair. Why? It’s because they give too much information to the readers, that most of the time, they act as spoilers, which most readers don’t like, because they’d be too familiar with the plotline – or at least the characters – as they gradually read through the chapters. For example, in Suzy’s profile, you stated that she was a type of person who finds joy and a peace of mind during rainy days. Wouldn’t it be better to narrate and show us that trait of hers in the actual story rather than telling us beforehand? You also said that she was a lonely outcast. I actually detest that part since some people might assume that your story’s cliché, since truth to be told, there are a lot of stories with outcasts and whatnot for their main characters. Don’t forget the “path of death” part – which I believe was pertaining to suicide. Don’t you think you were being too informative?

Anyway, here’s my revision of that quote I was talking about a while ago.

(Original Version) "Your first love isn't always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone else to. The person you will never get over, even when you've convinced yourself you've moved on."

(Revised Version) "Your first love isn't always the first person you kiss, or the first person you date. Your first love is the person you will always compare everyone else to – the person you will never get over, even when you've convinced yourself you've moved on."

This had only sported a very minor grammatical error, whereas the last part wasn’t a sentence, but a mere phrase. Since it was utterly related to the object on the previous sentence, I connected them with an en-dash, as seen above. Dashes, like commas, semicolons, colons, ellipses, and parentheses, indicate added emphasis, an interruption, or an abrupt change of thought. In the case above, it indicated an emphasis, and a bit of an elaboration to that person that was talked about in the previous sentence. Did that make sense?

There are a few grammatical errors in the foreword, too.

(Original Version) “Thousands- no, millions of people in the world are currently suffering many kinds of diseases and death will approach them without notice.”

(Revised Version) “Thousands – no. Millions of people in the world are currently suffering from many kinds of diseases, and death will approach them without notice.”

It had a problem with the absence of a comma before the coordinating conjunction “and.” Diseases and death didn’t sport a series effect or something. In fact, the coordinating conjunction had acted to combine the two independent clauses together, but with the lengthy sentences and the absence of that comma, it seemed as if they were a series of words instead, which might have confused some of your readers as they read. Heck, it got me confused, to be honest. On another note, if you do not have two subjects and two verbs separated by the FANBOYS, then you don’t need to insert the comma before the FANBOYS. In other words, if the second grouping of words isn’t a complete thought, don’t use a comma – as simple as that.

(Original Version) “But you, a young healthy teenage boy is planning to end his life without any struggles? You will regret it later if that happens.”

(Revised Version) “But you, a young, healthy teenage boy, is planning to end his life without any struggles? You will regret it later if that happens.”

Again, we have yet another issue with the absence of commas. What went wrong here? Well, phrases/words that are enclosed with commas are called interrupters, sometimes. Two commas can be used to set off additional information that appears within the sentence but is separate from the primary subject and verb of the sentence. These commas help your reader figure out your main point by telling him or her that the words within the commas are not necessary to understand the rest of the sentence. In other words, you should be able to take out the section framed by commas and still have a complete and clear sentence. To see if you need commas around an interrupter, try taking the interrupter out of the sentence completely. If the sentence is still clear without the interrupter, then you probably need the commas.

In your case, you forgot to close the phrase with another comma, to there was no pause emitted. That resulted with a wrong flow, as it sounded as if you wasn’t the subject, but a young, healthy teenage boy. By the way, you should put commas between items in a list, and for adjective phrases, too.

 

Character Development: 11.5/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 4.5/5

I think you did well in this section, though it’s more of like you focused on their emotions and thoughts instead rather than their actions. I can’t really say much about their actions, but yeah. Based from what I’ve read, Sehun did look like he was sincere with his feelings towards Suzy, whilst Suzy, on the other hand… Well, I can’t really say much about her. It seemed as if something was holding her back, and she didn’t really confirm whether she loved Sehun back or not when he confessed his feelings. Rather, she just pecked his lips, and she didn’t say anything further after that. Those actions had somehow gave me a feeling that there was so much more to her side of the story that we – the readers – do not know, and I’m really curious as to what they are. Other than that, the hints that you gave off, which I presume was about Suzy having a sickness, had been evident, though I would be more curious as to what types of side effects would she be showing off in the next few chapters. From your present chapters, I’d say that she’s still healthy. Sehun would’ve noticed her if she was growing sick, too, but yeah. I do hope that you show a few side effects next time, so as to justify if she really had a sickness or not. Don’t give it to us that soon though, as that would make the pace or flow of the story faster than necessary.

b. Evolution of Characters. 3.5/5

I don’t really have much to say in this section, either, as you only had two chapters poster at the moment. It’s not safe to judge how your characters had developed yet when you did mention that there will be more than eight chapters left to be posted. In the meantime, I do think that Sehun had improved gradually from his depression in the first chapters, particularly because of Suzy. Like what I’m going to discuss later, it would’ve been better if you showed us a few scenes pertaining to how he got better as days passed by. For instance, how exactly was Suzy able to help him move on from his problems? Oh, and I think it would’ve been better if you told us what particular problem made him more depressed than the other ones, and why? In my opinion, it was because of his friend’s sudden death/suicide, but then again, why?

In addition to that statement, I guess it would’ve been better as well if you gave a few scenes pertaining to his condition after Suzy came to his life. I mean, even though Suzy was there, did those problems still haunt him? More so, if Suzy wasn’t there, like when she went to the hospital for her appointment, did something haunt him or something, or did he really just worry about her and only her? Realistically, there should’ve been a part of him that sort of reminiscence the past. I do that most of the time, especially when I’m lonely here in our house. I get to think a lot, and get scared, of course. Needless to say, a lot of things pass through a person’s mind when he’s alone, especially when the atmosphere feels eerie and too quiet for their liking, as if they’re lost in their own worlds.

Suzy, on the other hand, is still a mysterious character for me. She has yet to reveal her true character, and for all we know, she might be some character that we all didn’t expect, though I highly doubt that as she did somehow come out as a truly cheerful girl, though you might surprise us, now wouldn’t you? I do hope that her character blooms more in the next chapters, because we really don’t know much about her.

c. Point of View Used. 3.5/5

I think the point of view used suited the story. I think most angst stories do match a third person’s point of view the most since an angst story that focuses on one particular character would be too risky. Moreover, using a third person’s POV, it would be easier to know multiple characters, and not just one, and to be able to delve deeper into the characters’ emotions and relationships, it’s deemed better than the latter. It also helps you to create more distance from the character and his/her thoughts. Therefore, you were able to focus on their actions.

On the downside, there were times when I felt like a first person’s point of view would’ve been better if used, mainly because you focused on one character through the entire story, which was Sehun. I do believe that not only would it be easier for you to handle his personality, but the story would somehow be more intimate as well, seeing as the readers would get close and personal as it could possibly get. A first person’s point of view would certainly be the most natural voice to use in writing, primarily because you can relate the scenes to your readers, as they can imagine themselves in the character’s situation. Moreover, telling somebody about something that happened to somebody else in the third person isn't so natural, particularly when it comes to communicating that third person's thoughts and feelings. More so, in a first person’s point of view, the narrator and the viewpoint character are both the same person, meaning that you don't have to make any tricky shifts from one voice to another. That is why first person point of view is often referred to as being the easier viewpoint to handle.

Anyway, the story has already started, and it’d be too much of a waste to change it now, but it was true when I said that a third person’s POV was fine. It just so happened that you were too much into Sehun’s character that I deem it better to be narrated in his point of view instead.

 

Plot: 23.5/35

a. Originality. 3.5/5

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