"Love You, Mr. Ex-Bodyguard"

Author: bangdaejong

Main Characters: Moon Jongup, Jung Daehyun

Genre: Angst, Drama, Fluff, , Mpreg

Status: Completed

Description of Story:
A 19-year-old Moon Jongup thought his two older protective brothers were joking when they told him they had recruited a bodyguard for him. He was caught off guard when the guy who saved him from the bullies in his university was actually the bodyguard his brothers talked about. Love started to bloom but misunderstanding happened later which led to the silent war between Jongup and his bodyguard, Daehyun. It was getting more complicated with the sudden presence of Chanyeol, who Daehyun believed was Jongup's long-distance boyfriend.

 

 

  Critique:

Story Title: 5/5

That is just the right title for your story. I can feel the fluff in it, and it’s really relevant to your story. Your title gave me an idea on what your story will be about. And congrats, there is no other fic with the same title as yours.

 

Appearance: 8/10

a. Poster and Background. 4/5

Your poster and background is attractive enough. It gave me the romance feels, and that’s good. The colors are well-balanced and they’re friendly to the eyes. The reason I’ve deducted half a point is because I have to exert effort to see the quote on the poster. I think your designer should have lightened up the contrast of the image to emphasize the text. Plus, it must not be in all-caps. And it should have a period at the end. And a quotation mark. There must also be a period after ‘Mr’. And I think it’s better if the font used for ‘Mr Ex bodyguard’ is the same with ‘love you’. Tell your designer to always observe proper punctuations in making graphics.

b. Lay-out and Formatting. 4/5

Your formatting is good. I like the font you used and they’re just in the right size. Your fic looks neat and nice. There’s just one thing here. Don’t use color coding in your fic. I noticed that you used blue for lyrics, then violet for flashbacks, and some green thingy.

Just use black and nothing else for your entire story, because other colors may be painful to the eyes of your readers just like me. Imagine, my eyes are already hurt as I face my laptop for long hours, and then I’ll still see a long thing in a painful color. It’s okay when you used red for your description because you just used it for some words, but using other colors on your chapters is not okay. Plus, have you seen a published novel with such color coding in text? I have never seen one. Anyway…I strongly suggest to make your fonts entirely in black. It will look more professional that way. Now, if you want to notify your readers that a part is a flashback, you can just put ‘five years ago’, ‘ten days ago’, or something like that in your narration. But don’t put *flashback*. I hate that.

Now, I noticed that on the lyrics, you put in in other color, you bolden them, then you italicize them. No. Italicization is enough. Also, I suggest that you just put the English translation of the lyrics and just remove the Romanized korean. Your fic is in English, so it will be more elegant to just omit the Korean. Many don’t understand the Korean thing anyway.

Now, okay. I just want to tell you that you chose the right photos for your description. They kinda reflect the characters’ social status and role in the story.

 

Description and Foreword: 9.5/10

Your description is enticing enough. It gives a background of the story, but it does not give too much. Also, I like your character chart. It gives a quick glance on the characters’ role in the story. I’ve deducted half a point because of this line: On what reasons this recruiting a bodyguard happened? There must be ‘do’ after ‘reasons’. Also, I suggest you must put the character chart on the foreword section. The description section is just for your story’s description and nothing else. Consider the description section as the back cover of a published book. At the back cover, they just put the story’s description. There are no character charts and whatnot. I like your description, by the way.

 

Character Development: 13/15

a. Unity of the Characters and Their Actions. 3/5

It’s absurd why Daehyun adopted Taehyung. They’re not even blood-related, so I don’t know what entered Daehyun’s mind to adopt him. Yes, you’ve explained it on your story, that Daehyun has loved him and he pitied Taehyung, but I still deem it unreasonable. If I were Daehyun, why would I still adopt a child if I already had enough burdens in life? Plus, I want to earn more money, so why would I adopt a child if I would spend lots of money just to feed him? Daehyun is impulsive and very irrational in the story. In real life, we need to be rational. So, if Daehyun did not adopt Taehyung, does that mean that he is bad? No. Because he’s actually not that capable to still adopt Taehyung. Imagine, his halmeoni is sick, he himself is sick. His money is almost gone by just buying medicines, and he’ll still adopt Taehyung? I wonder if he could really give him a good life. It’s lucky that he has Jongup. Jongup is rich so he can take care of Taehyung. But what if Daehyun doesn’t have Jongup? What will happen to Taehyung?

One more thing. Himchan is a CEO. A ceo is a very busy person. And because of too much stress, he must be some sort of hot-tempered. But I did not see a single scene where he shows that. Of course he can have quality time with his brothers, but he must show some irk or irritation, telling that he’s tired of work or something.

The other characters are okay. No special thing to them.

b. Evolution of Characters. 5/5

Your characters did not actually evolve. It’s only Jieun, a supporting character, who became bad in the end. Still, there’s nothing wrong with it. The main characters are consistently good and that’s okay.

c. Point of View Used. 5/5

I have nothing to say here. Third person POV is the perfect thing to use in your story.

 

Plot: 25/35

a. Originality. 3/5

I can see your effort in making this ordinary type of story yours. You made your twists and you created your own world for your fic. But truthfully, I can’t see anything special in your story. In a story, there must be at least one thing that would differ it from others. But in your story, sorry, I found none. It’s still the same thing. A rich-poor relationship then one got a disease and some sort. There’s just alteration of names and some things. The mpreg idea is somehow unique on the outside world, but on AFF, mpreg is a cliché thing.

People always search for something new. For a fic to be considered as ‘not that cliché’, authors must at least put something new, like new well-thought jokes, or some innovative scenes that are not seen in others. Now, this thing is really hard to achieve. Sometimes, no matter how authors try to achieve this, they just can’t. I don’t know. It’s just hard.

b. Setting of the Story. 5/5

Nothing wrong here. I like it. Your settings are suitable enough. You describe them enough and I can see the image you’re letting me imagine.

c. Theme of the Story. 3/5

Your grade here is affected by originality. Your theme is really ordinary. That bodyguard thingy and then the master and the bodyguard fell in love and blabla. But it’s good that you have expanded that idea into a long story.

d. Flow and Pattern of Events. 7/10