"Factory XXIV"

Author: illcell

Main Characters: "You," Ravi, Hyuk, Leo, N, Ken, Hongbin

Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Drama, Fluff, Horror, Mystery, Phychological, Romance, Sci-Fi

Status: On-going

Description of Story:
"You" woke up in an unfamiliar mansion, the only person you knew was your best friend, who was just as confused as you were.The mansion held many mysteries and links to the apocalypse happening around the world, and you were about to dig deeper into its roots as a distant, yet familiar feeling called out to you.

    Critique:

Characterization: 6/10

Honestly, I wasn't supposed to handle your request since I don't know VIXX. I mean, I do know them by faces and by their songs, but I don't know them that well since I'm not particularly a fan, and although I want to be one, I don't have the time to search them up and whatnot since I'm particularly busier these days. However, the description of your story really did engage me, so I decided to take this up. On the good side, what I liked the most was that you were really descriptive until the end, which made me really engaged into finishing your story until the end. It seemed to work as well as I seemed to imagine and picture the scenes.

Anyway, I'll be focusing on the point of view used and the individual characteristics of each characters for this section, as well as the main problems that I had noticed as I read through your story. Let's talk about the point of view used first.

Point of View Used.

Truth to be told, I had a hard time reviewing your story because of the point of view that you used. I'm not quite used with reviewing stories written in that format, and to be honest, only a few writers use that POV these days because it's difficult to execute. Basically, a story written in a second-person point of view directly addresses the audience or reader as “you." Second-person point of view can be used both in fiction and nonfiction. The thing is, I think that you may have a different perspective of a second person's POV.

There are downsides when using that view.

Addressing the audience as “you” works best if the reader feels that it is applicable to them. Stories solely written in second person make it more of a possibility that the reader may feel disconnected from the story.  Should you choose to write your story entirely in second-person viewpoint, make sure that your reader can feel that each scene applies to him or her. 

Here's the thing. You kept on jumping from one perspective to another. The constant switching of point of view diffused the flow of the story, to be honest. "Telling a story using you is called second person point of view. Using this viewpoint, you control all of the information and give the reader whatever you want." In using this point-of-view, it's as if that the story is relayed according to what "You" thinks, does, acts, and whatnot. Basically, what happens to her is relayed. However, in your story, it was as if it was a second and third person's point of view altogether, which was utterly confusing, making it very inconsistent.

Chapter 1:

For this chapter, you started the story in a third person's point of view, where two male adults were talking. One was the driver, and the other one which was only described as a man sitting in the passenger's seat. There were also two other female adults that were sitting at the backseats, whom we soon discovered as Hyeram and "You." They had a car crash after the driver failed to notice the deer on the driveway. After that, the scenario three days earlier was introduced, whereas you used a third person's point of view again, only that it was focused on Hyeram. Again, it was inconsistent. If you want to relay the story in You's POV, stick with it until the end.

I really believe that you should've just used a third person's POV to make things more easier. The only downside to that is that you'll have to think of a name for "You" instead, but then again, I think that would save you the trouble, and trust me, the story would be more understandable for us. Anyway, changing that would require major editing, and it would be completely rely on your choice, so yeah. I hope you made considerations though.

The Characters:

You

She seemed like the typical damsel in distress to be honest. She was too kind, too sweet, to motherly, too "pretty," etc. It was too typical and cliche, which I dislike. I have read a lot of stories beforehand, which backs up my dislike for cliched characters. This is a fantasy story. You could do and change a lot of stuff for your story at that. At least, give us some of her flaws. Not everyone is perfect, and as much as you want the reader to relate to "You," which was supposed to be the reader herself, you shouldn't make her perfect since practically speaking, everyone has flaws. Setting that aside, at least make her differentiable. Remember, having one or two of the cliches below is perfectly fine especially if they're important to your story and will affect it if you change them. Just try not to have way too many cliches, or no one will want to read your story and you'll eventually forget about it.

Now, I understand that you probably want to make her as pure and innocent as possible, but hey, she's twenty-five years old for god's sake. She had probably viewed and experienced a lot of things in her lifetime, and heck, she even experienced and encountered those "Defects" before. Her character should've evolved at that point. I just find it too weird for her to still act all pure and such. After encountering those things, she should've been stronger, yet scared and scarred at the same time. Moreover, she and her friend had been forced to live in their mansion, not that they're complaining, and those men, VIXX, were practically strangers to them. Wouldn't they have freaked out a bit more?

This is a fantasy story, I know, but try to incorporate their characters in real life. After experiencing a car crash and waking up at a weird, yet fancy mansion with men that were practically strangers to you, who had different personalities at that, how would you react? More or less, how would a typical person react? Seeing how they were hiding a lot of things from you, wouldn't you be more suspicious and doubtful at them? Wouldn't it be a first instinct to treat them as danger?

Hyeram

She seemed like the outspoken kind of girl, and a bit feisty at that. I was able to gather that up with those scenes that seemed to be focused on her. She seemed really attached to people as well, especially when she wanted to see how "You" ended up once she woke up. I felt like she'd end up with Ravi at the end of the story though, especially with the scene on chapter seven where Ravi pushed her hard accidentally, and she blurted the word "monster" afterwards. I just felt like they'd be awkward after that, but will establish a very meaningful relationship as the story progresses. Anyway...

Like "You's" character, I haven't seen more flaws from her either. She seemed like the perfect friend as well, though she did came out really feisty, especially when she talked to N, the mansion's owner.

Ravi

To be honest, he's my favorite character, particularly because he was the nicest one out of the bunch, and he seemed to be able to develop easy conversations and such, unlike the other members. He also seemed the most normal, though the latest chapter did give us something that made it evident that he had his own share of powers. He seemed sensitive as well, and I'm getting a gist that he isn't proud of his powers too since he was hurt when Hyeram called him a monster after he accidentally pushed her away hard.

Leo.

He was the character with a slightly weird personality. He was explained as a seemingly buff man, yet his personality is childish and a bit innocent, as if he is a child at heart, yet a man on the outside. Honestly, his character was really cute and lovely, but I didn't feel that it was fitting with the whole plot and all. Then again, I believe that there is some story behind each character, and I believe that I'm as eager as your other readers.

Hongbin.

I honestly didn't catch up with his character since I felt like he was too distant and that he wasn't given enough scenes, but I totally understand that. Like what I've said before, there are characters that should be focused on aside from the others. Anyway, he seemed to be the detached and unexpressive person out of the bunch, though there were scenes that proved me that he cared for the other guys, though he did seem to be a bit blunt with his actions as well. I think there'd be a somewhat connection with him and Hyeram in the future as well, and I'm hoping to see more scenes with him in the picture so that I'll be able to understand him more.

Ken.

His character was only introduced on the latest chapter. He seemed a bit savage that he acted like a typical animal looking for its prey. I deem that he was only scared of his surroundings though, as if he had experienced a lot of things in the past. He and "You" had managed to build up a connection after N asked her for a test, which was to see how she handles Ken with fear on toll, and she succeeded. There seemed to be something more in his past, too, and I bet all of them had some past or something.

Hyuk.

Like Hongbin, I think he was a bit too distant as well, and that he wasn't given enough scenes, so I think you should give him a distinct characteristic as well like the other characters. You don't necessarily have to bring him on the spotlight. Just give us something that we can differentiate him with the others, so that we can remember him clearly. I could only remember him as the chef of the house.

N.

Last but not the least is the leader and the owner of the house or mansion, N. It was clear that he was ruthless, mean, blunt, and a sadist from the scenes relayed on your chapters. From the very start, since he talked to Hyeram, I knew that he was the ruthless character in the story, though I don't think that he's the antagonist. There's just something about him, maybe about something in his past, just like the other guys. 

He was really mysterious as well. At some point, I felt like he was flirting with "You" and showing a bit of affection unlike how he treated Hyeram. He also knew a lot, and is obviously the leader, and leaders, from my experience in reading fantasy stories, hold very heavy pasts, so it makes me even more curious to know what happened to him back then. There seemed to be a stronger vibe emitting from him, too, which I believe as his power or something. I believe that he's a lot stronger than the other guys, and I'm curious as to what he has down his sleeve.

Overall.

You were really descriptive as a whole, though I think you should elaborate the descriptions of their appearance even more. Based from the large mansion that N owns and the guys reside in, it's safe to assume that they also wear fancy clothes and whatnot. Despite that, they have distinct characters as well, and I'd be more than willing to study their personalities even more based on how they cloth themselves. Like what others usually say, we can easily read a person based on what they wear and whatnot. For example, cloaks and dark clothing say something about a person. Likewise, a person who likes to wear colorful clothing depicts a hidden meaning as well, so maybe you could describe their clothing as well?

Avoid stereotypes. A usual stereotype is how the main, female character acts as a pure and innocent, who has the usualy perfect and pretty best friend. Focus on "You" though. You would want to create independent yet likable female characters who are good role models and don't have to rely on a guy to save/help them. "Mary Sues" are very annoying: give your characters some flaws and don't make them happy even though their lives are miserable. As much as possible, try to create likeable and realistic characters that people will like, which doesn't necessarily mean that you have to create a lot of positive traits. It can work the other way around, especially with consideration of your plot.

Avoid sentence like "She had dark, silky hair and white, smooth skin that seemed to glow perfectly." Honestly, I deem them annoying. Try to think of other ways to describe them, with consideration of the scenario and their surroundings as well. If they were battered and such, try to explain how bruises seem to deter this and that instead, if you get what I mean. Just avoid typical sentences that don't fit the mood of the story.

 

Plot: 30/40

Honestly, I don't think I'm liking the story by far. I mean, the idea seems refreshening and all, but still, the way the characters acted make the story boring to me. I honestly don't like Mary Sue characters, more so using a second person's poin