Story Pick Up: 

The Dandelion

Note: One-Shot (Spoiler Alert)

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Character: (6/10)

The only characters we have are Woojin and Jongin, and the only development we got to witness was when they were still college students six years ago during a scene where they first met. I'll discuss each character at a time. 

Woojin: Our main character who's telling the story in her POV. It could be that she's bold, but when her family got into an accident, did she shred no tears? And what? She walked home from the accident? I don't quite understand her personality and character as a whole, she's very blunt on the outside, but then on the inside she gets confuse, emotional, and seems to be living in her own world. She's easily angry and cares a lot for rumors (she allows them to bother her). She carries a scar made by the accident, which leads to students bullying her. I will talk more about her being bullying because of her scar under storyline. 

Jongin: Here we have a man who's majoring or majored in physcology but is best at music (as it was mentioned in the beginning of the story). That came as a surprise, honestly. Was there a reason why he isn't best at physcology instead? What has music got anything to do with him or her, or even the storyline? For some reason Jongin can easily guess everything about Woojin and fell for her when he saw her pour tomato juice over one of her bullies, His character is confusing as well.

Unlike Jongin, we have no idea wh Woojin is still in college and what she's trying to major or how she's going to school, etc. 

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Originality: (8/10)

The idea of her being his dandelion was original and new to me I must say, but the idea of bullying, etc is overrated. Because it's a short story/one-shot, everything seems to be only about Woojin being bullied because of her scar. The only time she's anything like a dandelion is when Jongin said she is standing up to her bullies and those rumors around her, but in what age is she still being bulled?

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Story-line/Plot: (30/40)

As mentioned before the storyline was quite confusing because even the characters weren't fully developed. The story does teach us that one shouldn't be judge on the outside alone but on the inside as well, which is bascially saying 'dont judge a book by its cover'. The storyline was slightly falling when the mentioned of rumors and her having bullies was mentioned. It sounded like they were in college, (I'm not sure if you're a college student) but as a college student myself, no one has time to get to know each other enough to carry out rumors. If they were in high school then sure I understand, but college....Even community colleges don't have rumors about other students, unless they were closed somehow. 

Anyway, we start out with Jongin playing music, a specialty of his. Then we see Woojin coming in and then it slowly lead to a flashback about six years ago. And that's where we learn that Woojin has a scar, went through an accident, gained bullies, and was noticed by Jongin. Jongin seemed to be her neighbor as he knew very well of who she was. As Jongin continued to talk to Woojin, we see that she was easily annoyed and then for some reason decided to pour out all the rumors about her to him. 

Jongin then succeeded in opening her up toward him, then it end our flashback, and then in the end we see Jongin proposing to Woojin. 

I believe the story can use more details, but it had a decent storyline and plot going on. 

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Grammar/Errors: (22/25)

Most importantly be careful of commas, run-on sentences, and then you're all set. I spotted many minor errors, many common errors at that. Just proofread or use word doc. and use the spellchecker it has provided or something of the sort. Your word choices are good, just be more concise.Below are some corrections and suggestions I made. 

Original: "It filled the room, reaching my ears even before my hand reached the door knob to his favourite room of the house."
Correction: It filled the room, reaching my ears, even before my hand could reach the doorknob to his favourite room of the house. 
Suggestion: You had a comma between 'room' and 'reaching', so it's only proper to put one between 'ears' and 'even', it's like saying that's additional details/images for us to gasp the current scene. See, if you take out those words in between the commas "It filled the room even before my hand could reach the doorknob to his favorite room of  the house", it still makes sense. Because in between the commas are just extra information.

Original:  As usual, his mind was somewhere else, just like the every other times he became one with the instrument. 
Correction: As usual, his mind was somewhere else, just like everytime he becomes one with the instrument.
Suggestion: I believe the 'every other times' is too fluffy, try to be concise.  

Original: "I love the way I managed to fall in love with him just by watching him doing what he did the best and loved the most."
Correction: I love the way I managed to fall in love with him, just by watching him do what he did best and loved most.
Suggestion: Again, be concise, cut to the chase and don't bore the readers with too many words in the same sentence. For example watch how different these two are: 

1. I loved the apples, the bananas, the oranges, the strawberries, and the kiwis in his hands. 

vs. 

2. I loved the apples, bananas, oranges, strawberries, and kiwis in his hands. 
(Read them out loud, which one sounds better to you.)

Original: "Closing my eyes aswell, I let my mind and myself went to where he was right now for a few minutes before the music stopped."
Correction: Closing my eyes as well, I let my mind and self go to where he was right now, for a few minutes before the the music stopped. 
Suggestion: Make use of commas if needed so you don't have run-on sentences. 

Original: "Hey, my little flower", he whispered...."
Correction: "Hey, my little flower." He whispered....
Suggestion: Punctuation is extremely important. Why wasn't there any closing mark? Why was there a comma on the outside of the character's dialogue? He needs to be capitalize. Here's when it's alright to use lowercase after a character's speech. "h" can only be lowercase if the ending mark is a comma or there is none, because exclamation and question mark acts like periods. 

Example 1.) "Hey, my little flower,' he whispered, "I've missed you." 
Example 2.) "Hey, my little flower" he whispered, "have you eaten?"

Original: I tried again, still refusing to look at the persistent guy besides me while leaning on the brick wall of the backside of the school building.
Correction: I tried again, still refusing to look at the persistent guy beside me, while leaning on the brick wall of the backside of the school building.
Suggestion: This was a run-on sentence. 

Original: The place, at the first glance, was truly unpleasant to the eyes. Abandoned. The souls that visited the ground other than the rebellious students, were the cleaners - that had to collect the dumpsters but unlike the ones like me, they didn't come here because they wanted to. I loved this place, eventhough I was not always particularly alone as some of the students also picked this hiding zone as their place to escape classes - it was quite just like how I preferred it. Not even the smell of nearby main dump bin was bothering me. Today, it was different.
Correction: The place, at first glance, was truly unpleasant to the eyes. Abandoned. The souls that visited the ground, other than the rebellios students, were the cleaners-that had to collect the dumpsters. However, unlike me, they didn't come here because they wanted to. I loved this place even though I was not always particularly alone, as some of the students also picked his hiding zone as their place to escape classes. It was quite like how I preferred it. Not even the smell of nearby main dump bins was bothering me. Today was different. 
Suggestion: Comma placement and the use of commas are the major issues here. 

Original: "Then?", I snapped, "why are you still here and not in class, nerd?"
Correction: "Then?" I snapped. "Why are you still here and not in class, nerd?" or "Then," I snapped, "why are you still here and not in class, nerd?"
Suggestion: --

Original: "Jongin," he corrected and I nearly explode because this guy is impossible. I took a deep, long breath....
Correction: "Jongin." He corrected....
Suggestion: He's no longer talking/continuing to talk after he made the correction, so there should be a period and not comma, unless he (the same character) continue to talk again.

Original: ...couple of second and I stumbled....
Correction: couple of seconds and I stumbled.....
Suggestion: Be aware of your plurals and whatnot. 
 

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Overall Enjoyment: (3/5)

Honestly I'm not a fan of EXO (don't hate me). I mean I love Jongdae but, anyway just because the story was Jongin, I didn't allow it to affect my enjoyment of the story itself.. However, it's still a 3/5, I found myself trying to correct the minor errors and re-reading sentences more than I should be (especially for a one-shot). What got me was when Woojin decided to pour all of her knowledge of the rumors of her out, I mean why would she do that if she wanted Jongin to go away in the first place? Was it to scare him away? Was it to make him one of her bullies as well once he knew of her situation? Was she really not in her right mind? It left more questions than answers, and if that wasn't your intention then...not good....

Anyway, I wouldn't say I especially enjoyed the story but it was still a good read, I took a thing or two away from it so it was worth reading it :D. 

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Total Score (78/100)

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Bonus: *Your questions and focuses for me*

grammar please. and the feel of the story since my story is fast-paced

Grammar is under grammar/errors. As for the feel of the story since it is fast paced,  I didn't really get the gist of it. It didn't feel like a complete story....Though it sounded pretty complete. So the feel was rushed and no real feelings and emotions, really, between the character to character and character to reader, etc.

Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.
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