My Idol Life: The First Season - New Rookie Group
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PINK_STAR_LIGHTS
REQUEST ON: 11/5/15
REVIEWER: BLACKROSESTEARS
FINISHED ON: 11/11/15
SCORE: 79/100
TITLE: (9/10)
LOGICAL (2/3) - BASED ON JUST READING THE FOREWORD THERE SEEMS TO BE A CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TITLE AND THE PLOT OF THE STORY BUT HONESTLY I WAS NOT ABLE TO FIND IT SO FAR IN THE STORY AFTER READING BECAUSE THEY SEEM TO BE MORE NORMAL STUDENTS AND NOT IDOLS LIKE THE TITLE INDICATES.
EYE-CATCHING (3/3) - STILL YOUR TITLE IS EYE-CATCHING BECAUSE IT IS UNIQUE IN ITS OWN WAY. THERE ARE NO OTHER STORIES WITH SUCH A TITLE OR A SIMILAR ONE. IT SOUNDS INTERESTING AND CATCHES THE ATTENTION OF POSSIBLE READERS.
ORIGINAL (4/4) - THERE IS NO OVERUSE OF THIS TITLE SO IT IS INDEED PRETTY ORIGINAL.
STORY'S FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (8/10)
STORY'S SUMMARY (3/5) - HONESTLY I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I WOULD READ YOUR STORY OR NOT AFTER READING YOUR FOREWORD BECAUSE THE START WAS OKAY BUT THE END OF IT WAS A BIT CONFUSING FOR ME.
WHEN YOU WRITE ABOUT THEM BECOMING FRIENDS WITH THEIR SUNBAES IT WAS CONFUSING FOR ME WHEN YOU WROTE THEY WILL MAKE THEM SUFFER. ARE YOU STILL TALKING ABOUT THE TWO FRIENDS THAT WILL SUFFER BECAUSE OF THEIR SUNBAE OR WILL THE SUNBAE SUFFER?
AND THEN THERE WERE SOME SMALL MISTAKES LIKE:
HE COME [S] BACK AS A MANAGER
HAVE [HAS] THE HEIGHT OF 1.96CM
APPEARANCE (5/5) - THE OVERALL APPEARANCE OF THE FOREWORD AND THE DESCRIPTION IS GOOD. IT IS NOT MESSY OR UNORGANIZED.
CHARACTERS/CASTS (6/10)
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (2/5) - SO FAR I HAVE TO SAY THAT IT IS HARD TO RELATED TO YOUR CHARACTERS BECAUSE THERE ARE MOMENTS YOU CAN GET SUPER CONFUSED ABOUT THEIR ACTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE THE TOTAL OPPOSITE OF THE REST OF THE STORY.
I LIKE IT WHEN CHARACTERS HAVE MANY DIFFERENT CHARACTER TRAITS BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT HERE IT WAS A BIT HARD TO ACCEPT IT LIKE THAT.
AHYOUNG IS THE NERD OF THE TWO GIRLS WHO DOESN'T HAVE A MOTHER ANYMORE. HER MOTHER LEFT HER JUST LIKE THAT TO BE WITH ANOTHER MAN AND BECAUSE OF THAT SHE SEEMS TO BE A PERSON THAT CAN GET EASILY SCARED. BUT THEN SHE SUDDENLY SHE CAN GET REALLY COLD WHEN IT COMES TO SOMEONE TOUCHING HER BELONGINGS OR THINGS IN GENERAL THAT HAVE A SPECIAL MEANING FOR HER. HERE I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU DESCRIBE HER EMOTIONS AND THE WAY SHE BEHAVES A BIT MORE TO MAKE IT EASIER TO UNDERSTAND THE WAY SHE BEHAVES AND SO THE READER CAN EASIER RELATE TO IT.
FOR SHINYEONG THERE IS NOT MUCH TO SAY SO FAR BECAUSE YOU MAINLY FOCUSED ON AHYOUNG IN THESE CHAPTERS BUT SHE SEEMS TO BE A REALLY GOOD FRIEND TO AHYOUNG. SHE IS THE QUEENKA OF THE SCHOOL AND MANY PEOPLE LOOK UP TO HER BUT SHE DOESN'T REALLY CARE. INSTEAD OF LIKING IT SHE IS MORE WORRIED ABOUT HER FRIEND WHO SHE KNOWS IS NOT GOOD WITH BIGGER CROWDS.
CHARACTER'S RELATIONS (4/5) - THOUGH IT IS HARD TO RELATED TO YOUR CHARACTERS IN SOME SITUATIONS I STILL LIKE HOW THEY ACT TOWARDS EACH OTHER BECAUSE YOU SHOW THAT THEY CARE FOR EACH OTHER AND THEY ARE TRUE FRIENDS.
WHAT WAS A BIT CONFUSING HERE IS NOT HOW AHYOUNG AND SHINYEONG ACTED TOWARDS EACH OTHER BUT THE SCENE BETWEEN TAEHYUNG AND AHYOUNG BECAUSE THEY DON'T SEEM TO KNOW EACH OTHER BUT HE STILL SNEAKED UP TO HER AND SCARED HER LIKE THEY ARE FRIENDS. I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW YOU WOULD TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOU. THESE KIND OF ACTIONS ARE MORE FOR PEOPLE THAT KNOW YOU REALLY GOOD AND PROBABLY ALREADY FOR A LONG TIME.
THE AUTHOR'S MINDSET (36/40)
LOGICALLY (9/10) - IT IS HARD TO SAY WHETHER YOUR PLOT MAKES SENSE OR NOT BECAUSE THERE DIDN'T REALLY SOMETHING HAPPENED SO FAR TO SAY THAT IT IS A PART OF THE PLOT. IT SEEMS MORE LIKE YOU ARE STILL AT THE BEGINNING OF INTRODUCTION THE CHARACTERS.
BUT I WILL STILL STICK TO WHAT I WROTE IN THE CHARACTER SECTION WITH TAEHYUN AND AHYOUNG BECAUSE THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT WAS A BIT WEIRD. BUT BESIDES THAT THERE IS NOT REALLY SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE SO FAR.
ORIGINALITY (10/10) - I PERSONALLY DIDN'T READ STORIES WITH SUCH AN IDEA IN MIND SO FAR SO I DO THINK THAT IT IS ORIGINAL.
TONE (5/5) - SO FAR THE TONE IS GOOD AND FITS THE WHOLE STORY PRETTY GOOD.
NARRATION (5/5) - YOU DON'T CHANGE YOUR POV TOO OFTEN WHICH IS GOOD BECAUSE IT COULD CONFUSE THE READER UNNECESSARILY.
STORYLINE (7/10) - I PERSONALLY LIKE YOUR START OF THE STORY BECAUSE THAT SHOWS US FROM THE START THAT SHINYEONG AND AHYOUNG ARE REALLY CLOSE AND HOW THEY FEEL FOR EACH OTHER. THEN HOW YOU REVEAL A BIT OF AHYOUNGS PAST TOO IS REALLY INTERESTING ESPECIALLY BECAUSE IT EXPLAINS WHY AHYOUNG IS BEHAVING KIND OF STRANGE WHEN THEY ARRIVED AT SCHOOL.
AS I ALREADY WROTE ABOVE THE FIRST MEETING WITH TAEHYUNG WAS A BIT WEIRD TO READ AND HOW SHE SUDDENLY ISN'T AFRAID OF HIM ANYMORE. UNTIL THERE EVERYTHING WAS OKAY BUT THAT IT GOT A BIT HARD TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE OF AHYOUNGS BEHAVIOR. IT IS SO TOTALLY THE OPPOSITE OF HER NORMAL BEHAVIOR OF A RATHER WEAK GIRL BUT NOW SHE SUDDENLY IS COLD AND SCARY. IT WAS LIKE YOU REALIZED THAT SHE IS MORE A WEAK PERSON AND DECIDED TO MAKE HER A BIT STRONGER LIKE THAT.
HERE WE ALSO FIND OUT THAT HER EXBOYFRIEND IS YONGGUK AND THAT HE CHEATED ON HER. HE WILL PROBABLY HAVE A MORE IMPORTANT ROLE IN THE FUTURE.
AS I ALREADY WROTE ABOVE THE FIRST MEETING WITH TAEHYUNG WAS A BIT WEIRD TO READ AND HOW SHE SUDDENLY ISN'T AFRAID OF HIM ANYMORE. UNTIL THERE EVERYTHING WAS OKAY BUT THAT IT GOT A BIT HARD TO UNDERSTAND BECAUSE OF AHYOUNGS BEHAVIOR. IT IS SO TOTALLY THE OPPOSITE OF HER NORMAL BEHAVIOR OF A RATHER WEAK GIRL BUT NOW SHE SUDDENLY IS COLD AND SCARY. IT WAS LIKE YOU REALIZED THAT SHE IS MORE A WEAK PERSON AND DECIDED TO MAKE HER A BIT STRONGER LIKE THAT.
HERE WE ALSO FIND OUT THAT HER EXBOYFRIEND IS YONGGUK AND THAT HE CHEATED ON HER. HE WILL PROBABLY HAVE A MORE IMPORTANT ROLE IN THE FUTURE.
SO FAR IT IS HARD TO FIND AN ACTUAL PLOT IN THE STORY BECAUSE IT FEELS MORE LIKE EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IS RANDOM HAPPENING. ALSO AS I ALREADY MENTIONED IT WOULD REALLY HELP TO DESCRIBE THE FEELINGS, SITUATIONS AND THE CHARACTERS MORE DETAILED TO MAKE IT EASIER TO UNDERSTAND AND TO RELATED TO THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN.
PROPER USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (18/25)
PROPER GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION (3/10) - HERE I HAVE TO SAY THAT YOUR GRAMMAR WAS NOT REALLY GOOD. THERE ARE MANY MISTAKES IN YOUR STORY THAT MAKE IT HARD TO READ THE STORY WITHOUT NOTICE THEM.
HERE ARE SOME EXAMPLES:
TWO GIRLS NAMED LEE AH YOUNG AND KIM SHIN YEONG WAS [WERE] A WELL KNOWN BESTIES FOR LIFE.
-> YOU TALK ABOUT TWO GIRLS SO YOU CAN'T USE WAS INSTEAD YOU SHOULD USE WERE
KIM SHIN YEONG WAS IN THE DÉJÀ VU PART SHIN YEONG IS THE POPULAR, QUEENKA ONE.
-> IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE BECAUSE A DÉJÀ VU IS WHEN YOU EXPERIENCE SOMETHING THAT FEELS LIKE IT HAPPENED BEFORE. I THINK YOU MEAN CLICHE ALSO THE COMMA IS NOT NEEDED BEFORE THE QUEENKA
AH YOUNG GROAN [ED].
-> HERE IS A MISTAKE YOU MAKE FROM TIME TO TIME: YOU SWITCH BETWEEN THE PRESENT AND THE PAST TENSE. YOU SHOULD CHOOSE ONE AND STICK TO IT. ALSO YOU FORGOT THE PERIOD AT THE END OF THE SENTENCE WHICH HAPPENS FROM TIME TO TIME TOO.
AH YOUNG SHOUT [ED] MAKING SHIN YEONG LAUGH WHILE GOING OUT AND SHE [SHIN YEONG) ACCIDENTALLY AND MENTALLY BUMP[ED] TO [INTO] THE CLOSED DOOR.
-> YOU BUMP INTO STH. IS THE ONE THING I WANT TO MENTION HERE BUT ALSO THAT IT MAKES LITTLE SENSE TO WRITE THAT SHE MENTALLY RAN INTO A DOOR BECAUSE THE DOOR IS NOT IN HER HEAD.
ALSO YOU WROTE THE NAME OF THE PERSON YOU TALKED ABOUT IN BRACKETS BEHIND SO PEOPLE WOULD KNOW WHO YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. IT IS NOT REALLY A MISTAKE BUT IT WOULD LOOK BETTER AND EASIER TO READ WHEN YOU JUST TRY TO DESCRIBE THE PERSON YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT IN THE CONTEXT OF THE SENTENCES.
EXAMPLE:
SHIN YEONG SHOUT [ED] WITH A PINK SHADE ON HER CHEEKS AND SHE (SHIN YEOUNG) RUN [RAN] OUT OF THE ROOM LEAVING A BLUSHING AH YOUNG [BEHIND] BECAUSE OF THE LATTER (AH YOUNG) [SHE] FORGET [FORGOT] TO CHANGE BECAUSE OF THE KIM SHIN YEONG.
TERMINOLOGY (5/5) - OVERALL YOUR VOCABULARY WAS STILL GOOD TO READ AND TO UNDERSTAND.
LANGUAGE BARRIER (10/10) - THERE WAS NO OVERUSE OF THE KOREAN LANGUAGE IN YOUR STORY.
REVIEWER'S ENJOYMENT (2/5)
I THINK YOUR STORY HAS POTENTIAL WHEN YOU DO WHAT I WROTE ABOVE WITH THE CHARACTERS, SITUATIONS ETC. AND WHEN YOU CORRECT YOUR MISTAKES AND IF YOU CAN'T DO IT YOURSELF LOOK FOR A BETA-READER.
BECAUSE OF WHAT I MENTIONED IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO REALLY ENJOY YOUR STORY.
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