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Author: karmachameleon
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 1/26/16

Review Completion: 5/22/16
Story Link: Link
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Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here)

Grammar and writing style: Both will be under Proper Grammar/Punctuation~

Title: 9.5/10

Logical: 3/3

I suppose the title do make for the perfect match with the story, but it's a title that could easily be forgotten. For example some titles stands out or are memorable, so readers will most likely try to connect it to the storyline. However, for this story I've forogtten what the title was at the end of the story. But there's no points dock here as it definitely fits. 
Eye-catching: 2.5/3
Honestly its one of those titles that wouldn't stop me from finding a random book to read. Meaning if I saw the title before anything else in a list of stories, it wouldn't have caught my attention. But to many others I'm sure it does strike interest, just I personally wouldn't have stopped to check out the story.  
Original: 4/4
I don't think I've ever seen this specific line used as a story title, perhaps a chapter title or within a text but not as a title. 

Description/Foreword: 9/10

Summary: 4/5

The summary I take is the simple one-sentence liner before the story started. I'm not at all sure how Yixing is rebellious, I mean he was a free spirit and had a mind of his own, but he didn't display any signs of being rebellious or resisting some sort of control or power? 
Appearance: 5/5
The layout and appearance of the whole one shot-chapter was simple and easy to follow. Though there were large spaces in between sentences, those didn't exactly causes any problems. 

Character Development/Showcasing: 8/10

Development: 4/5

I'll speak about our leads one by one, just so you can get an idea of what I thought and got from reading about them.

Xiuying: She's in her 20s but throw tantrums and would be considered a daddy's little girl. She even referred to herself as her father's little precious daughter. Normally anyone would want to look and sound and even look older, but for a 20 year old she didn't seem to mind being a little daughter. To be direct I didn't like her in the beginning, it made reading hard as she annoyed me. Her mindset, the way she act, and just her childish attitude. (I mean as a fan I understand, but she wasn't joking when she said she was going to marry Yixing, of course they didn't get marry but the possibility is there after the story. I thought she was also very dramatic with her obsession.).And we see a manage change after her encounter with Yixing, where she wasn't just daddy's little girl and she actually cared for her father. 

I didn't quite frankly like Yixing's character either. Maybe because for their first meeting he was too casual? Calling her "love", "cupcake", "sugar", and all of those names (love isn't as bad, if this was in the 80s-90s time but at the same time it's like we're speaking about Chinese here and not Caucasians...). And I assumed as a star he'd be more professional. But he's so open that it's somewhat uncomfortable, if I dare say, as he even offered not to do anything to her without her consent. That was the set back about his character. Oherwise we can see how much he loved music and his passion in music was there. Since we didn't get to see much of him, we only know some basic info. on him, such as his family background and its history and how he came about with playing the guitar and becoming a rock star. But other than that, I can't for sure if he's developed or not. 

Relation/Cast: 4/5
We have quite a few of other characters in the story, and though most are OC we do have Chen in the story. (I'm not sure if Mimi is Mimi from Oh My Girl, but I'm guessing she's an OC). These characters do play important roles but like that of Chen didn't have much to do with the story. Even if his scenes and part was left out, I doubt it'd make much difference to the story overall. But that could be because I cannot see the purpose for his existence. 

Behind the Author's Mind: 37/40

Logical: 9/10

I'm iffy on this one, I feel like it can happen but at the same time it can't happen? This storyline is definitely a mix of fiction and non-fiction. One thing I wished would have been address was the reason why Yixing was having a tour in Xiuying's small town? And what manager leaves a star with a stranger...? 
Original: 10/10
Though I doubt the idea of a lead liking a celebrity and getting the chance to fall in love with them is a new idea, I can say that you've included enough ideas of your own to make it different and to claim as your own.  
Tone: 5/5
The tone of the story was steady throughout. 

Narration: 5/5

At some parts we did go from changing from Xiuyng's perspective to Yixing but that was near the end. Otherwise we were in third person POV from beginning to end. 
Storyline: 8/10
The pace of the story moved quite fast in my opinion and everything was very predictable. Readers could guess that Xiuying was going to be one of the 100th customer and that Xiuying and Yixing would meet when the storm happened. Things escalated and they do sleep together. The problem wasn't that that slept together but how it led to that. From the get go Yixing was very comfortable and didn't seem to wonder if Xiuying was perhaps maybe one of those many fans who may get a bit freaky. Instantly he wanted to get to know her and found her interesting enough to convince her to actually sleep with him. Normally we would expect a playboy to move that quick without questioning why, but Yixing didn't give off that playboy behaviour. He even admit to sleeping with only one woman when he was 17, otherwise there hadn't been that many women as he had said. So it went from 0 to 100 real quick, for me at least. 

The other thing I want to know was how bad was the weather that they had to be stranded there. Not only that but as I asked, why would a manger leave a star alone for one night with a stranger. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 21/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 6/10

Majority of the errors I found were related to your using of comma and comma splices. Commas do create that pause, just like periods and ellipses, but too many commas in one sentence where it doesn't belong makes the sentence read as choppy. For example: 

Original:  Occasionally, a few youngsters, who were lucky enough to visit the bigger cities like Beijing, would come back in attempts to refurbish the town, to match up to those places. (Here's one way to look at proper commas, you would want the sentence to flow if properly if the text has more than two commas. For example here you put a comma right after "occasionally" then after "youngsters". Multiple commas in a sentence normally means there are extra info. in between the lines. So basically if you took out what was in between the commas you'd get "Occasionally who were lucky enough to visit the bigger cities like Beijing". Point is, you'd want the sentence to flow and make sense even if the text in-between the two commas exist or not.]

But it was all in vain - the elders in town, who comprised of more than half the population, being an active part of the town council, never allowed it. 

Revised: Occasionally a few youngsters, lucky enough to visit the bigger cities like Beijing, would come back and attempts to refurbish the town to match those cities. 

But it was all in vain when the elders of the town, who comprised of more than half of the town's population and are active as town councils, never allowed it. 

One thing we want to avoid are unnecessary adverbs. In one of the sentence 'more loudly' was used, more being an adverb. Avoid it by writing 'louder'. Louder is also a better alternative term to use. 

Also I noticed though the dialogues belonged to the same character, you tend to space it out. That made it look like two different people were going about with the conversation. Try to keep the same person speaking in one paragraph. 

For example this was all spoken by Xiuying, but because of the spacing it looked like two people or even three were pitching in on the talk. 

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Xiuying beamed, but soon frowned when she remembered that small altercation with her father.

“But I don’t know if my father’s going to let me go,” she exhaled softly. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to agree.” 

“I will pester him until he agrees,” she grinned in triumph. “I still have a week to convince him. And if he doesn’t, I’ll just sneak out of town and leave him a note.”

When really it should just be one big paragraph: 

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Xiuying beamed, but soon frowned when she remembered that small altercation with her father. “But I don’t know if my father’s going to let me go,” she exhaled softly. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to agree," [she paused] “I will pester him until he agrees,” she grinned in triumph. “I still have a week to convince him. And if he doesn’t, I’ll just sneak out of town and leave him a note.”

The 'she paused' in barrack is my suggestion to include that part if you don't want to mix it into a whole dialogue for the last part. 

I do noticed that towards the end your writing got better. So I'm not sure if perhaps only the first part wasn't proofread or..? 

 
Termonology: 5/5
I didn't have any problems with your chosen termonologies. 

 
Language Barrier: 10/10
There were no Korean, or should I say Chinese expression in here so that's a full mark. 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 4/5
I'm quite picky with believability so yes I did roll my eyes a couple of times, but despite all of that I actually liked what went down. I can't say I enjoyed it to the fullest, but it's definitely a story that I'd remember. 

Also I apologize for the long wait and if anything I've said/written offend you then I sincerely apologize. I have no intention of insulting you nor your piece. 

Total Points: 88.5/100