Deep Dark Love - Inspiritxbaby
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NOTE: Nine Chapters (Spoiler Alert)
(9/10) Title: There are about 120k related results to the title so I'm not sure if you would want to check that out. However, I took out one point, not because of the result but because if I were to see it under a list of titles, I won't click on it. It's not unique in my opinion, though I do like how it doesn't give away the whole story too, so it keeps a reader reading, despite its title.
(9/10) Character: I love every characters in here, to be honest. I didn't find any one of them annoying, in fact they're all interesting and stood out. I love how Jieun and Sunggyu teases each other, and how her character was developed after being adopted (due to all the tiny flashbacks and whatnot). Aside from all the teasing, Jieun is learning from her brother and it added a great taste to it, it really show their relationship and how much they truly cared and loved one another.
Taehyung was 'out of the blue her best friend' cliche. This is one thing that bothers me about fanfics (don't worry, yours isn't the first) but I honestly dislike it when authors just place in some idol/oc unexpectedly and then stating he or she is the best friend of the main character. In my opinion, if Taehyung was mentioned near the beginning then it would have been 'better'. Or maybe he could send them off before they left Seoul, to show that he IS her best friend. I'm usually picky about side characters so I did deduct one point here. If Taehyung was just a friend, I would have given this section a full score, but he's the best friend, and best friends are important people in others' lives.
(10/10) Originality: At first I thought this was really cliche, going to stay in a cabin somewhere hidden in a forest, sharing rooms, asking one another whether they believe in vampires, etc etc. But as I read on I found that there was more to it then just that. Which was a great thing. I love how instead of just pointing this and that out (i.e. they are kids at heart), you went into depth and really reveal how and why.
(35/40) Storyline/Plot: Since there are only seven to eight chapters, I can't really judge yet or know the plot. But I will say I'm impressed with the storyline by far, especially how each characters interact with one another. The beginning gave me a "Vampire Knight" feels which I loved very much. The story was easy to follow and I could picture every scenes in my mind so great job with your description, and I can imagine Sunggyu saying his lines in real life. I swear if this was a drama I would watch it, support it, and love it!
The story seemed to be told by you, the author, however sometimes it seems to be a first person story told by Jieun. Why and how? When you're referring to their appa and omma, it was used as "appa said", "omma said" that's like saying "dad said", "mom said". So use "their", "his", or "her" to avoid first person and third person mix.
(20/25) Grammar/Errors: There were minor errors that can easily be fixed with proofreading. Common mistakes were leaving words out, leaving letters out, mixing the past and present tenses. One thing I suggest not doing would be including TOO much ellipses. It's fine when it's used in a character's dialogue, but as a author who's trying to tell us the story, using ellipses shouldn't be the way to do it. It shows something's unclear, so try to use periods. Also ellipses are three dots/periods, so if you're going to use it while also ending the story then make it four periods.
Original: She tried very hard thinking where might her headphones went. They can't just grow legs and run away right? It's not even logical...
Suggestion: She tried very hard wondering where her headphones might have went. They can't just grow legs and run away right? That would be illogical.
Original: “Adeul ahh! We're leavinggg!!!” their appa called from a distance at the ignited car.
Suggestion: “Adeul ahh! We're leavinggg!!!” Their appa called from a distance, from the ignited car.
(After a dialouge, the first letter should always be capitalize.)
Original: As they got up the car happily and got ready for their departure, a silhouette from afar behind a tree was watching them cautiously and dangerously...
Suggestion: As they got on the car happily and ready for departure, a silhouette from afar behind a tree was watching them cautiously and dangerously....
(The different colors are to show you that instead of stating 'their', 'they' was already referring to them so keep your sentences clean and concise. For this paragraph I include the ellipses, using it and a period to end the sentence. I suggest just using a period, but if you want to use ellipse, that's the way to go about it.)
Original: “Uh..yeah, I'm fine..” she stammered.
Suggestion: “Uh...yeah, I'm fine....” She stammered.
(As previously mentioned, ellipses are a problem in this story. Also once a person's turn to talk has ended, use a punctuation rather than a comma etc. Proper grammar would require you to use a punctuation other than imcomplete ellipses and/or commas.)
((6/5! XD) 5/5) Overall Enjoyment: I loved it! Vampire touch to Infinite is like paradise! :P See what I did there? Anyway I really love the story overall and I'll definitely be staying subscribed and support it!
(88/100) Points Total
Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:
The plot and the pace/consistency: Under storyline. Because each chapters was short itself, I wouldn't say the pace was too slow or too fast.
Feel free to message me if you have any further questions.
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Review for: Inspiritxbaby
Requested on: 10/4/2014
Finished On: 10/6/2014
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