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NEWHAVEN
REQUEST ON: 11/8/15
REVIEWER: BLACKROSESTEARS
FINISHED ON:11/14/15
SCORE: 93/100
TITLE: (10/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - IT IS HARD TO SEE THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TITLE AND THE PLOT AT FIRST BUT YOU MAKE IT OBVIOUS AT THE END OF THE STORY.
EYE-CATCHING (3/3) - IT IS AN REALLY INTERESTING TITLE THAT MAKES CURIOUS AND CATCHES ATTENTION BECAUSE IT IS A REALLY UNCOMMON TITLE AND YOU DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THE STORY WILL BE ABOUT JUST BY THE TITLE SO YOU JUST HAVE TO READ IT.
ORIGINAL (4/4) - IT IS AN REALLY UNIQUE TITLE SO THERE IS NOTHING TO SAY HERE.
STORY'S FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (10/10)
STORY'S SUMMARY (5/5) - YOUR FOREWORD DOESN'T REVEAL TOO MUCH OF THE PLOT AND IS REALLY GOOD WRITTEN. IT MAKES THE INTERESTING IN YOUR STORY EVEN BIGGER BECAUSE IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A PLOT THAT IS USED TOO OFTEN TOO. BUT IT IS ALSO HARD TO SAY WHAT THE PLOT WILL BE ABOUT, THERE IS BIG ROOM FOR THE FANTASY OF THE READER BEFORE ACTUALLY READING THE STORY.
APPEARANCE (5/5) - THE FOREWORD AND THE DESCRIPTION HAVE A GOOD STRUCTURE AND ARE NEAT.
CHARACTERS/CASTS (7/10)
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (3/5) - I LIKE HOW YOUR CHARACTERS ARE NOT THE TYPICAL PERSONS WITH A SOLID HOME AND MONEY AND INSTEAD SHOW MORE ABOUT THE SIDES OF THE LIFE WHERE PEOPLE EXIST THAT HAVE NOT ENOUGH OR BARELY ENOUGH MONEY TO LIVE.
OVERALL I LIKED HOW YOU WROTE ABOUT THEM AND SHOWED US A BIT OF THEIR LIVES BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT AFTER I FINISHED READING YOUR STORY I WAS A DISAPPOINTED BECAUSE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN GREAT IF WE COULD HAVE GET TO KNOW YOUR CHARACTERS BETTER. I KNOW YOU CAN'T WRITE ABOUT ALL THE DAYS MIKE LIVES WITH THEM BUT MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE PICKED ONE OR TWO DAYS TO GET TO KNOW THEM AND THEIR LIVES A BIT BETTER.
CHARACTER'S RELATIONS (4/5) - FOR THE RELATIONS BETWEEN YOUR CHARACTERS I LIKED HOW BOY AND DAUGHTER HAVE A SPECIAL BOND THAT SHOWS THAT THEY TRUST EACH OTHER THE MOST BUT STILL HAVE THEIR SECRETS FROM EACH OTHER LIKE BOYS PAST. WITH THIS EXAMPLE IT IS ALSO EASY TO SHOW THAT BOY REALLY TRUSTS AND LIKES DAUGHTER BECAUSE HE TELLS HER HIS STORY AT THE END OF THE STORY.
FOR THE RELATION BETWEEN DAUGHTER AND MIKE I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT I AM STILL NOT SURE WHETHER THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS THAT STARTED TO LIVE TOGETHER IN THE END OR MORE, LIKE A OPEN RELATIONSHIP. THIS WAS A BIT UNCLEAR FOR ME SO IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD ANSWER THIS QUESTION.
THE AUTHOR'S MINDSET (37/40)
LOGICALLY (9/10) - MOST OF YOUR STORY MAKES SENSE UNTIL IT COMES TO THE END BECAUSE IT WAS A BIT HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY BOY SUDDENLY WAS IN FRONT OF THE DOOR OF DAUGHTER AND GAVE HER THE RED LIPSTICK AND THE GUITAR. I WILL WRITE MORE UNDER STORYLINE.
ORIGINALITY (10/10) - I LOVE THE STORY IDEA YOU HAD, I NEVER READ A STORY WITH SUCH A PLOT BEFORE.
TONE (5/5) - THE MOOD IN YOUR STORY WAS ALWAYS REALLY GOOD AND FITTED THE SITUATIONS IN THE STORIES.
NARRATION (5/5) - WE READ THE STORY THROUGH DAUGHTERS POV AND YOU WERE ABLE TO STICK TO THIS POV THROUGH THE STORY WITHOUT SUDDEN CHANGES THAT COULD HAVE CONFUSE WHILE READING YOUR STORY.
STORYLINE (8/10) - OKAY, SO I LIKED HOW YOU WROTE THE STORY AS A WHOLE BECAUSE I LIKE YOUR WRITING STYLE AND HOW YOU DESCRIBE THE SURROUNDINGS IN THE STORY REALLY DETAILED. THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY WAS GREAT BECAUSE IT GAVE US A FEW INFORMATION ABOUT DAUGHTER BUT ALSO LET US SOME POINTS TO FIND OUT ABOUT HER. IT IS REALLY INTERESTING HOW YOU DESCRIBE THE DIFFERENT SOCIAL CLASSES AND HOW DIFFERENT THEY ARE FROM EACH OTHER.
THEN WE MEET MIKE A YOUNG MAN THAT GREW UP WITH MONEY BUT SURPRISINGLY WANTS TO LIVE LIKE THE POORER PEOPLE IN HIS CITY. DAUGHTER GIVES HIM SOME TIPS TO SURVIVE WHILE HE LIVES WITH THEM AND THAT THEY DON'T FIND OUT ABOUT HIS FAMILY BACKGROUND. WE GET SOME INFORMATION ABOUT DAUGHTERS PAST TOO AND HOW BOY HELPED HER IN THE PAST.
THE WHOLE TIME IT WAS CLEAR FOR THEM AND US THAT MIKE WHO LIVES WITH THEM UNDER THE NAME TINKERBELL WILL RETURN TO HIS NORMAL LIFE AGAIN AFTER SOME TIME AND HE WANTS TO TAKE DAUGHTER WITH HIM. SHE IS NOT SURE WHETHER SHE SHOULD GO WITH HIM OF NOT.
SHE TALKS TO BOY AND WE FIND OUT THAT BOY WAS RICH ONCE TOO IN THE PAST, HERE I HAVE TO SAY I REALLY LIKED HOW YOU WORKED WITH LYRICS OF SONGS THAT FITTED INTO THE STORY. AFTER THIS WAS REVEALED BOY LEAVES DAUGHTER AND THE OTHERS BEHIND AND DISAPPEARS OVER THE NIGHT SO DAUGHTER DECIDES TO GO WITH MIKE.
SO AND HERE IT BEGAN TO BE A BIT UNCLEAR.
SO DAUGHTER IS LIVING WITH MIKE NOW AND ONE DAY BOY IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THEIR DOOR. HE TALKS TO HER AND GIVES HER HIS GUITAR AND A RED LIPSTICK, THE ONLY OBJECT SHE LEFT BEHIND. FOR ME IT WAS HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY BOY SUDDENLY APPEARED IN FRONT OF DAUGHTER AGAIN. DID HE COME BACK TO TALK TO HER AGAIN, TO TELL HER WHY HE SUDDENLY LEFT AND EVERYTHING? BECAUSE IT SEEMED TO BE A BIT LIKE THAT WHICH IS THE ONLY EXPLANATION THAT CAME INTO MY HEAD FOR BOYS BEHAVIOR. IT WOULD BE NICE IF YOU COULD EXPLAIN THE END A BIT MORE.
BESIDES THAT THE ONLY OTHER POINT I HAVE TO WRITE ABOUT HERE IS WHAT I ALREADY MENTIONED ABOUT SOME MORE DETAILS ABOUT A DAY IN THEIR LIVES.
PROPER USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (25/25)
PROPER GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION (10/10) - YOUR GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION IS REALLY GOOD, I DIDN'T FIND ANY BIG MISTAKES OR SMALL ONES.
TERMINOLOGY (5/5) - YOUR VOCABULARY WAS REALLY GOOD TOO, THERE WAS NO OVERUSE OF ANY WORDS OR PHRASES.
LANGUAGE BARRIER (10/10) - ALSO NO OVERUSE OF THE KOREAN LANGUAGE.
REVIEWER'S ENJOYMENT (4/5)
OVERALL I ENJOYED READING YOUR STORY AT FIRST BUT AS I ALREADY WROTE ABOVE THE ENDING WAS A BIT DISAPPOINTING. YOUR WRITING STYLE IS REALLY GOOD TO READ AND THE PLOT OF THE STORY WAS REALLY INTERESTING TO READ.
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