Her choice - kpopotakuXD

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Her choice

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: kpopotakuXD

Requested on: 11/27/2014
Finished On: 12/02/2014


NOTE: 15 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(8/10) Title: I found around ten more fics on this site with exact or very similar title. However, I'm not eliminating a lot of points since the chosen title links with the story and gives a clue what reader will deal with.

(6/10) Character: I find all the characters a bit bland and used up over the existence of fan-fiction. It's nice that Eunji's main personality trait is stubbornness and preservence. However, it is hard to determine true features of any character since it seems that you just adapt characters to the situation how it is more convenient to you as the author rather than writing about them, unveiling them bit by bit. For example, sometimes Suho is a big-headed idol, sometimes he's a regular caring guy, but you don't set boundaries between these two sides of him and it's not good. Yet not all characters are that poorly-written. Seohyun most probably is the only one that stays to her true character, which is a friendly and cheerful best friend.

(4/10) Originality: I barely find the plot or characters original. Probably the only thing that is slightly different from such stories is Taemin being the protagonist's stepbrother.

(25/40) Storyline/Plot: The plot was seriously lacking and having no logic at some chapters. For example, how did Seohyun not recognize Suho, when he was talking with Eunji? She should have been in the ninth cloud and all over the place. Also, in third and fourth chapters Suho (later Kai, too) acted not idol-like. No famous person, especially a Korean idol, would ever go from their mini van to give an umbrella so some person or act so unprofessionally on stage by getting angry at their groupmate for doing their role and giving fanservice to a person, brought up on the stage. Also, in the sixth chapter it seemed weird for Taemin to tell Suho he didn't want to sit with the later for he didn't want others to think they're close. Sitting together didn't really mean anything in that situation since it was teacher's choice for them sit together, not their own. By the way, for a teacher to say “Shut up” is inappropriate. You should change it to “Be quiet, please” or something like that. In more recent chapter it was so unprofessional for Suho to confess to Eunji in front of everyone, I couldn't believe what I was reading at first. When in fourteenth chapter Taemin kissed Eunji, I was like “finally!”. In the description it was stated that Taemin is in love with Eunji, so I thought he would act in a erted way around Eunji, openly flirting with her and was a bit dumbfounded when it didn't for more than ten chapters happen.

(15/25) Grammar/Errors: There were a lot of grammar mistakes, so at times it was hard to understand what you wanted to say. Since the amount of errors is so big, I'm not able to fix all of them. Please find a proofreader, who could help you out. Here are some mistakes from first six chapters and, as promised, some explanations in German below:

Chapter 1 – “where they have no enough space” – “without enough space”;
“one of the best group” – “one of the bests groups”;
“she ran against” – “she ran into”;
“like their second house” – “like their second home”;
“EXO in Youtube” – “Exo on Youtube”;
“She swear her classmates would made fun of her if she smiled” – “She was certain her classmates would have made fun of her if she ever smiled”;
Chapter 2 – “in her forty” – “in her forties”;
“Eunji knows how it feels like to lose a mother” – “Eunji knew how it felt to lose mother” (you write in past tense, so you can't use present tense in narration);
“they arrived on the hospital” – “to the hospital”;
“She didn't know the person” – “She didn't knew the person”;
“Why should this be crazy?” – “Why would this be crazy?”;
“What are you?” – “Who are you?”;
“It was the dad from Suho” – “It was Suho's dad”;
Chapter 3 “for his stepbrother” – “for her stepbrother”;
“breakfeast” – “breakfast”;
“after the school were finished” – “after the school finished”;
“we will see us tonight” – “I will see you tonight”;
“Taemin greeted her mom” – “Taemin greeted his mom”;
“throwed” – “threw”;
Chapter 4 – “stubborn as everytime” – “stubborn as always”;
Chapter 5 – “you will come too late” – “you will be late”;
“puked some meat out” – “some meat fell out of ”;
“was about to sat down” – “was about to sit down”;
“she growled out” – “she growled”;
“stared emotionless” – “starred indifferently”;
“creppy” – “creepy”;
Chapter 6 – “like if nothing was wrong” – you need to use either “like:” or “if”;
“leaved” – “left”;
 
I noticed how you use “of” and “from” wrongly, so here's an explanation in German: “of” ist meistens besitzanzeigend und “from” bezeichnet oft einen Ort. Oder noch kürzer: of = gehörend zu, from = von (woher).
Same with “your” and “you are/you're”: Das Wort “your” ist die Possessiv (Besitz)-Form des Wortes “you”. Es bezieht auf etwas, dass die Person hat, oder etwas das der Person gehört über die gesprochen wird. Mittlerweile “you're” ist eine Verkürzung der Kombination der Worte “you” und “are”.
You also don't know how to use Past Simple tense, so here are a couple of sites with brief but clear explanations: here and here .

(2/5) Overall Enjoyment: In the end, this was just not my story. I saw a lot of missing things in the plot or events that didn't make sense and poor grammar made it harder to go on reading.

(60/100) Points Total

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Comments

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WooGyu_KyuSung_YooSu #1
One more thing. I know the Description and the forward are super long. But I planned this story to be like a Novella/Soap Opera.
It may seem like I'm giving away to much in the Description and The Forward, but as you realize you might notice that I haven't.
There are three main parts to this story:
The Past-Childhood
The Past- Orphans/Teens
The Present- The main setting, in which the forward revealed nothing.

I'm an interactive author, meaning I ask questions at the end and leave hints here and there for the readers to try there best at guessing. (They become more invested in my story this way, lol)
WooGyu_KyuSung_YooSu #2
-Username : WooGyu_KyuSung_YooSu
-Profile link : http://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/49463

- Story title : Love Me Right
- Story link : http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/976222/love-me-right-mpreg-hunhan-taoris-kaisoo-sulay-chanbaek-chenmin

-Genre : OT12, Angst, Mpreg, Fluff, Comedy, Growth, Friendship, Life, and "LEARNING TO LOVE"

- On-going | To be a long fic.

- Reviewer : KaihleeLo

- So The title of the fic is "Love Me Right", but it has nothing to do with the EXO song; even though some would just assume. The reason why I titled it 'Love Me Right' is because 6 of the main characters suffered in their childhood and eventually were orphaned. They don't know how to let themselves love. In particular, Luhan. As for the other 6 'Love' and 'Lust' are two different things.

- So before you read, I would like to point out, that the pacing of the story and the built up is exactly how I planned. I don't want to rush Romance because you don't 'fall in love' over night, and the characters need to mature. Also, there is a pattern to my chapters "The Past" chapters are essentially flashbacks. "The Present" is taking place now. For every 5 "The Present" chapters, it will be followed by 2 "The Past" chapters; Childhood/Teen years.

- I have a reader who offered to proofread my chapters since I had some typos, and I don't have the time to go back and fix them. "I always update between 12 am - 5 am, so that is the main reason". She is still editing the earlier chapters so please realize I am fixing the errors.


Oh gosh this was a lot. I'm sorry. I'm just really nervous, and I wanted to explain the above before you review.
-Tigress- #3
Chapter 127: Hey can I have someone send me my review here so I can save it?
This archive is non-selectable so I can't save it myself.
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