The Personal Assistant

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: babyzchen

Requested on: 01/31/2015
Finished On: 02/02/2015

NOTE: 4 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(8/10) Title: The chosen title is not the most original one out there, but it is accurate and links with the story. However, since there are actually three personal assistants, the plurality should be used in the title as well.

(7/10) Character: I think there are too many characters, trying to steal attention. While the reader focuses on six main characters, three CEOs and three assistants, all the time random names pop up and it becomes easy to lose that focus. Yet, what is actually quite surprising, you manage to put a certain distinguishment between the main characters. It is usually hard to do with such number of the roles, so I praise you for pulling it off.

(7/10) Originality: The idea of CEO x personal assistant is anything but original. Still making the story about three relationships that are slightly different makes that idea a bit more original.

(25/40) Storyline/Plot: The plot is seriously lacking. I will display the reasons with tips how to improve. First and foremost, you should expand more. Tell where people are, and what they are doing. For instance, the beginning is already kind of blur, the reader only sees some people fighting, but they cannot comprehend what is really happening. Say that there are three close friends at night club or a bar, working as waiters or bartenders. A erted man comes up, trying to hook up with one of the friends, but the others interfere and stop the ert. The situation results in all three friends losing their job. Another concrete flaw I spotted was the way guys got their new jobs at the company. The interviews did not contain work-related questions, that should have been asked.  All in all, the pace is too quick. What you need to do is to slow down a little bit. Concentrate on a few events, expand on them and give time for the reader to adjust.

(10/25) Grammar/Errors: To say it plainly, the grammar is poor. I've picked up the majority of mistakes from prologue and some from the first chapter. However I suggest finding a proofreader and just reading qualitative English texts every day, because reading good texts improves grammar.
Prologue - “with a swift kick, the ert guy was fainted on the floor with a bruise face, and a furious Baekhyun.” - “with a swift kick from Baekhyun, the ert fainted and dropped to the floor, an instant bruise decorating his face”;
“‘dead’ body” - it would be better to use “lifeless body” or “unconscious body”;
“Every where they went, it will be sure have erted people to molest them.” - “Anywhere the three guys went, there sure was erted people, ready to molest them”;
“There was a time when a ert and disgustingly man tried to Kyungsoo, and Baekhyun kept punching and kicking the man angrily and resulting the man sent into emergency room.” - “Once a disgusting ert tried Kyungsoo, the latter's friend Baekhyun punched and kicked the molester so hard, the man ended up in the emergency room”;
“if we didn’t paid the rent at this month and we will become homeless too” - “if we don't pay the rent this month, we will be homeless too”;
“it was because of me that make us got fired” - “we got fired because of me”;
“shouted over-excited” - “shouted excitedly”;
“The interview start at 9am morning” - “the interview starts tomorrow morning at 9AM”;
“You are making me headache” - “you're giving me a headache”;
“make sure don’t cause any troubles, I don’t want Yixing to upset because of you” - “make sure not to cause any more trouble, I don't want to see Yixing upset because of you”;
“Kris, Joonmyeon, Chanyeol, Jongin and Sehun are brothers with different mothers, but Joonmyeon and Jongin is same mother. Among five of them, Jongin was the quiet and cold, nobody can know what he wants or what was he thinking about.” - “<...> were brothers of same father, Joonmyeon and Jongin being the only ones of the same mother. Among the five guys, Jonging was the quietest and coldest, no one could ever know what he wanted or thought”;
“SM Company consists five different companies” - company cannot consist of smaller companies, so it should be described like this: “SM Company consists of five branches”;
“can you stop nag at me” - “can you stop nagging me”;
Chapter 1 - “It was a lie if he said he wasn’t nervous about the interview” - “it would have been a lie, if he said he wasn't nervous about the interview”;
“don't worried” - “don't worry”;
“Baekhyun leave the room quietly and it was Luhan’s turn to go inside. The last one is Kyungsoo, Baekhyun and Luhan wait patiently at outside.” - “Baekhyun quietly left the room. Then it was Luhan's turn to go inside. While the guy was in the room, two friends waited outside”;
“my brothers are currently busy with their works now, you will meet them tonight when you arrived at their house” - “my brothers are currently busy with their work, so you will meet them tonight at their houses”;
“these are the house’s security passwords, their personalities, their social life, habits and everything” - “these are passwords of each director's house, also information on their personalities, social lives and habits”;
“It was weird, everything seems unusual in Baekhyun’s eyes, but the other two didn’t notice about these unusual things.” - “the situation seemed weird to Baekhyun, but it looked like his other two friends didn't notice anything unusual”;
“Inside the house was huge and beautiful, everything inside looked expensive.” - “The house was huge and beautiful, every single thing inside looked expensive”;
“Maybe Mr. Kim didn’t come back home yet, before he come back, Kyungsoo decided to cook dinner.” - “Kyungsoo thought that Mr. Kim, his new boss, hadn't come home yet, so he decided to cook dinner”.

(2/5) Overall Enjoyment: After all, the setting is kind of my guilty pleasure so I kept wanting more, though the storyline hasn't developed a lot yet and the grammar mistakes are really bothersome.

(59/100) Points Total

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