Unknown Nightmares - exoismyoverdose
BLK's Review Shop ACHIEVE--BLK's--
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reminder
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Bonus: [Your questions and focuses
for us here]
How well I have constructed the story up to
now; and would you suggest any changes?
I have no complaints as to how
you have contructed the story up
to now. however the only suggestion
i'd like to make is to change her name.
i know she's an oc but i don't know
how many times i have come across a
'han eunhee' and 'sora'. it's like me
reading a story where everyone has
a 'jack' or 'jessica'. like, why?
create a new and memorable name for
her. don't let her be just another
eunhee and sora.
♦Feel free to message us personally
with any concerns.
♦ PLEASE DON'T FORGET TO CREDIT
OUR SHOP'S LOGO/BANNER IN YOUR
STORY'S FOREWORD!
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reviews and for your patience!
♦ hope to see you visit again.
exoismyoverdose
request on: 9/25/15
reviewer: Kaihleelo
finished on: 9/25/15
score: 95/100
Title: (9/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - As of now I can't say the title has much to do with the story. (also there are only three chapters so far) but i'd give you the benefit of the doubt that the title and story's plot will soon cross path. so here's a free full grade.
EYE-CATCHING (2/3) - honestly the title doesn't impress me or catches my attention. it may be because i have super high standards for strange, rare titles. (not saying your title isn't weird) but like it's commonly used words...?
original (4/4) - the title itself isn't common here on aff, so i give you props for that.
story's foreword/description (10/10)
story's summary (4/5) - personally i believe you revealed too much of the story to keep it interesting. however the last few sentences really got me hyped up and interested to read your story. and i suggest re-wording and fixing a few of the sentences, like 'even' is missing the 'e' in one of the sentences.
appearance (5/5) - it's simple and clean.
characters/casts (9/10)
character development (4/5) - no character development here since we're just getting started. but i'm sure once sora/eunhee runs into exo, she would start to change drastically.
character's relations (5/5) - i can see the relationship between eunhee's and her boss just fine. actually it's surprising that she would find him attractive if he wasn't a lot older than her and wasn't like an older brother.
the author's mindset (40/40)
LOGICALLY (10/10) - since eunhee is an assassin it's obvious that she would be killing people. the story thus far is interesting and legit.
ORIGINALITY (10/10) - I've read many exo stories (thanks to the many exo fans writers on here) and i have seen a lot of cliche exo storylines. usually i hated the fact that all members of exo are included just because one, that's too many characters to being with and authors aren't good with that many characters in shorter stories. and two most of the members won't stand out anyways unless the author tried to give them all specific roles. but i have never seen one where exo are a trained group under a powerful leader. so i'm going to give you full points here, i just hope you do well with all characters!
TONE (5/5) - this story was told in first person so i can definitely sense it. it also sounded like the tone you as the author would use yourself.
NARRATION (5/5) - as i said this was first person pov. i hope you keep this throughout and don't change povs.
STORYLINE (10/10) - i can see interesting scenes coming soon. i'm actually anticipating the next scenes, i would like to know and see the background history of all characters. plus the story itself is interesting with the mentioning of characters so far.
proper use of the english language (22/25)
proper grammar/punctuation (8/10) - Numbers below 10 needs to be written out, it's the only proper way to go about it, unless it has to do with time. also i suggest re-reading your work for any proof reading. i spotted minor errors that can easily be fix. (so i'm not going to point them out since you're a native speaker.)
termonology (5/5) - i like how you try to expand your usage of terms, like gun to weapon, etc. but since this is an action pack story, later on you may want to try words like firearm, pistol, handgun, you get it. be specific about the weapon, don't just name it and move on. because a lot of readers here may not be familiar with a walther p99. so go into depth of it's appearance, like the length of its barrel, the shape of its grip, or does the gun have any designs on it.
language barrier (9/10) - i thought you were going to get a full grade here. until the sudden 'yoboseyo' threw me off and caused minor distraction. since this is an english text, write everything in english. i mean yoboseyo is a basic term for any readers familiar with basic korean, but you would want to impress every readers. just take into consideration, would you want to read a story in english and then all of a sudden the author decided to drop japanese characters on you. we know this is a story based on korean characters so we're already picturing them speaking in korean. even words like 'saranghae' or 'oppa' can cause disturbance.
Reviewer's enjoyment (5/5)
i enjoyed the story mainly because i found myself liking the main character. she's not this full of herself mary sue character. she deserved what she claims to be since she has enough evidences to prove to me that she is really one of the best assassin in all of asia. (even though that's stretching it.)
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