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Author: bbe1989
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 2/20/17

Review Completion: 2/22/17
Story Link: Link
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Bonus: (Your questions and focuses for us here)
Pacing: under "behind the author's mind" storyline. 
Awkward dialogue/sentences:  There were more than enough ellipses usage, especially at the beginning of most dialogue. That's what makes it awkward. Most of the dialogue didn't need an ellipsis to start it. Also here are some of the more preferable/common sentence structure when it comes to speeches. This has been added to "proper use of the English language". 

Here's your style:

"Good fight."  A puff of air was his only response.

"Now where's your master at?"

Here' are the ways you can possibly write this:

"Good fight."  A puff of air was his only response. "Now where's your master at?"

- All dialogue of one character should stay in one paragraph. Only new character speech can break that cycle and start a new paragraph. (This does not include description and so on, only dialogue.)

or...

"Good fight,"  a puff of air was his only response. "Now where's your master at?"

or...

"Good fight."  A puff of air was his only response, "now where's your master at?"

Here'a another:

"You're looking right at him."

Preferable: 

"You're looking right at him,"

Another (chapter two):

"Don't think too much about it.  Those horrifying noises coming out of that instrument woke me up.  You weren't in the tent, so I knew you were out here."

Tao pursed his lips, looking down at the flute.

"...besides, regardless of anything, you're still a Damsel.  I'm obligated to protect you."

Preferable:

"Don't think too much about it.  Those horrifying noises coming out of that instrument woke me up.  You weren't in the tent, so I knew you were out here." Tao pursed his lips, looking down at the flute. [Kris then adds,] "...besides, regardless of anything, you're still a Damsel.  I'm obligated to protect you."

(Chapter two): 

"Name's Chen,"  He stuck out a dirty hand to Kris. 

Preferable:

"Name's Chen," he stuch out a dirty hand to Kris.

Title: 9.5/10

Logical: 3/3

I cannot think of another title that would best fit this story. Once Upon a Dream, not only does it do a good job giving readers an idea of what the story is about (a fairytale), but it's also very meaningful to the story's plot and line itself. 

Dream plays a very significant part as the story is fairytail base, so it could range from one dreaming to real dreams and goals that are set to be accomplished. The title itself appears in the story (I won't give spoilers) but that's what makes a title all the better, when the author uses it in the book, if it hasn't said anything about the story already. 
Eye-catching: 2.5/3
Is the title eye-catching? Honestly I personally wouldn't pick it up from a bookshelf just because it's somewhat vague of a title. Perhaps not vague but very straightforward? Also because the title gives away this melodrama, soft, romance sort of feel to it, it's personally not my go to (though I'm sure a lot of people would pick it off a shelf.)
Original: 4/4
As far as originality go, I believe this is pretty original. I've searched on AFF and there has been no other title like it.

Description/Foreword: 10/10

Summary: 5/5

One knows a summary is good when it doesn't give away too much and at the same time hook readers, and yours did just that.  Though I'm effy on whether readers need to know it's a fairyau in the description as that feels more of an author note per se, I suggest using it as a tag since you've only got four out of seven going.  As far as tags go, I also suggest adding 'kris' and 'tao'. Now that they're no longer part of EXO, fans may search them up separately. Or add 'exo' as all of the other members appeared in the story. 

Appearance: 5/5
It was simple and straightforward. 

Character Development/Showcasing: 10/10

Development: 5/5

Our mains definitely developed throughout the nine chapters. I'll share some of my insights on both Tao and Kris down below. 

Tao - Ever since fifteen we know he's left without human connection for six years. Sure, people are sleeping and frozen in the castle he lives in, but they do not respond to him, etc. We can also guess that growing up Tao was loved by his parents, one can tell by how he interacts with Kris. Tao went from someone who talks a ton to someone much quieter and considerate. When he was living alone, he didn't really have to consider the feelings of others so in a way he's selfish (but who isn't? xD) when it comes to his own feelings. Tao was also fearless when he first settled out with Kris, he spoke to strangers often, he approach dangerous situations without taking much of his surrounding in (can you blame him though? He stayed with a dragon for six years). But, once he started developing feelings and exploring those they come across, he became afraid of what would happen to Kris and to him. Then we see him overcoming all of his fears, for him to end up with Kris and unafraid. 

Kris -  Kris was a royal prince who sort of grew up spoiled, but was very clear about what he wanted and what he was destined to do. He's cold on the outside which I can see as a defense mechanism when approaching bad. In the beginning Kris was someone who didn't really care for human interaction, it was something he took for granted so he never tried to converse with others and hold connections. But as Tao befriended others, somehow Kris learned that and wasn't too cold to those they've come across. Kris developed, just like Tao, he broke out of his mentality that his partner must be a woman with golden hair and blue eyes and went to Tao. And near the end, Kris was more focused on helping Tao find his prince charming, all so Tao wouldn't become a witch. That showed that he was indeed warm on the inside (as Tao claimed) and caring.

Relation/Cast: 5/5
I love big and small cast as long as they work. Yours did. Every EXO (former and current) members was in here and they all played a role that ranges from major to minor. In a way they're all sort of different and do have personalities of their, one does not need to really know the members to see that. I really adored the relationship between Kyungsoo and Tao, how Kyungsoo felt bad, guilty, and even to the point that he feel he had failed Tao. So in the end he gave Tao a hint, to keep himself free. I even felt bad for Kyungsoo, of how his prince charming (possibly the reincarnation of Kai lol that keeps failing to find his princess) never came to him. 

Behind the Author's Mind: 38/40

Logical: 10/10

It's a fairytaleAU so obviously I can't say every scene is logical or not.
Original: 10/10
I've seen some stories where the idea of certain fairytales were incorporated but yours truly brought back memories of not one but seven different tales! It even felt like I was watching a movie version of "Kingdom Hearts" . I love the originality of this story, every scene has its tweaks and perks and they're very different from the original Disney or fairytales. 
Tone: 5/5
The tone was very well done with the usage of font style (bold, italic), alignments, etc. We can tell, see, and feel when the mood is sad and depressing or cheery and amusing. 

Narration: 5/5

Third person POV is the best choice to narrate this kind of story, one with a whole lot of description and action. It's nice to see the thoughts of both parties from third person POV without switching from first POV of Tao to Kris or vice versa. 
Storyline: 8/10
I love the storyline and I get excited seeing each familiar chapter headings. I love the twists and how each princess and original versions has been twisted into a more reality version. I laughed a lot with Rapunzel (it's my favorite chapter really). I loved the transition of a prince charming who married the ice queen and fathered Hansel and Gretel. You swap the location on me. 

The pacing is what you've asked for me to focus on so here's my take on it. I do believe some scenes move a bit too fast, we as readers don't get to process every move as clear when the description is moving so fast. Action scenes are possibly one of the most challenging scenes for any one to write because not only does the writer has to take into consideration: the width and height of the surrounding, the items and materials that may be in sight, weapons that may not have been drawn, dropped, or retracted yet, directions, body positions, and so on. I'm big on action scenes, if they ended too quickly it feels unrealistic and can be disappointing. But at the same time it can't be dragged on because then it turns intoan action story, so the timing and pacing is important when it comes down to that. I felt that the action scenes were rushed, maybe you can include facial expressions too as you've done with poses and sounds. 

Another issue with the pacing, I feel, is that we're not given a general idea of what kind of world does this all happen in (I'm also guessing this takes place sometime in the 1700 or 1800s as that's during the Joseon era where Baekhyun and Chanyeol came from) . Anyway Tao and Kris travels quite a bit, so merging all of these original fairytales and cartoons together creates this world that needs some in-depth connection.

It'll be nice to know how these princesses may interact and what do the general people think of such a world filled with princesses, princes, witches, and other creatures? It's understandable that as they're used to it, it doesn't surprise or scare the general citizens but it's a world that I would imagine to have a lot of drama. For example, since princes are allowed to marry whoever they chose, do princesses gather up and talk bad about princes..? Is there a lot of gossips out on the streets? Are they mostly about affairs or are there some about hideous creatures too..? Because as you know in some of the fairytales the general citizens are very different from one another. 

I really liked when Tao and Kris entered Rapunzel's tower and how she was trying to get them to confess they were together. How she confronted them that princes who come to look for her, some are not interested in her and are gay instead. But after they left it just sort of ended there and that's how it feels between each chapter. Tao and Kris doesn't really think about what they're going or has been through (like if it was my first time seeing a creepy mermaid, I'm never going in the water again. But Tao and Kris were in the water and they had fun.) So instances like that is where I'd like click, something I as a reader can relate to. So in a way it felt like Tao and Kris' relationship was priority so their other experiences felt rushed. 

I also liked the fact that Tao's hair color began to fade and since a couple of years ago, there was a studies that said under brown eyes were really blue. So it was interesting to see how this also plays into reality despite its genre~

Ah and I just wanted to point this out.

Chapter five, seven, eight, and nine's font size are a bit smaller than the rest. Sometimes for some odd reason the size or font tend to change as we edit our work from time to time. That may have been what have happened and I wanted to point that out. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 22.5/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 8/10
There were very little errors in term of grammar and punctuation. However, here are some of the issues I found that comes up quite often. (

Chapter one:
Original: When he opened them back up, he realized that the courtyard now too was still.
Suggestion: When he opened them back up, he realized that the courtyard now, too, was still.

Original: "So you see - you can't possibly be my Sleeping Beauty.  Number one - you're a man.  Number two - you're not even asleep.  You're a Sleeping Beauty and you're not asleep!  Do you know how ridiculous that is?  Number three - your hair - "

Suggestion: "So you see, you can't possibly be my Sleeping Beauty.  Number one you're a man.  Number two you're not even asleep.  You're a Sleeping Beauty and you're not asleep!  Do you know how ridiculous that is?  Number three, your hair—"

- The only issue with this paragraph is that these dashes marks are hypens playing the role of dashes. Dashes are not installed onto keyboards but writing programs do have them. AFF have them in the special characters or if you use google docs to write then transfer, they can be found through the special character search "dash". If you're using microsoft, two hyphens connects and become a dash automatically.  My suggestion is also to replace some of the hyphens/dashes with commas, because hyphens don't necessarily work for listing in dialogues nor as pauses. 

Chapter two:
Numbers under ten should be written out, especially if it doesn't involve time and isn't a date. This is a fanfic site so if you choose to write out numbers, there's no harm in that, but it's also nice to stay consistent. Six was written out through chapter one and the beginning of two, but still 6 was written. However, overall I suggest keeping to writing numbers below ten out just for the sake of it being proper. 

Termonology: 4.5/5
Under chapter one, a lot of authors tend to say "choking on his/her own spit" but spit is saliva that has been ejected. So one cannot choke on his/her saliva unless they failed to spit and then somehow retract that spit back and into their throat to choke on it. 

I also noticed there were a few 'an' that were supposed to be 'a'. One was in chapter six and another from before. In chapter six you wrote 'an bed'. An is used when the following word starts with a vowel, if consonant then 'a' (of course there are exceptions like 'an hour', etc). Plus I'm sure you knew this, it was probably just a minor error that every author comes across when typing. 

Other than that you used a wide range of vocabulary, and that really impacted your story in an amazing way. It formulated each scene into this beautiful scene playing in the back of my mind. What's more amazing is that they weren't even big words and it did not require a fluent speaker to understand each scene perfectly. 

Language Barrier: 10/10
No complaints here.  

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 5/5
This story was honestly for children born in the 80s and 90s that grew up with Disney and fairytails. This is an adult version of all of those tales, really xD I enjoyed it a lot and honestly this story somewhat reminded me of the poem "The Highway Man". Of course the plot and storyline are very different, but the idea of journey, love, and death xD  You killed me with Kaisoo at the end, lol. I'm glad I was given a chance to read this, honestly when I was supposed to pass it off, I read the summary and was hooked :3 I don't remember a dull moment at all. From author to author I learned a lot from this story. I was a bit scared to do this review as I'm sure I'm not as fluent as you are in English, but still I got to read this and I enjoyed it!

I hope I got everything covered. My mind was all over the place and I skipped around but I hope I included all that I wanted to say. 

Total Points: 95/100