NOTE: 50 Chapters + /Yuri (Spoiler Alert)
Read chapters 1-25, 44-50
I know as a reviewer it's my job to review the whole story, but I felt it was enough to complete your review with solid insights. 

(9.5/10) Title: I deduct .5 points because I personally wouldn't have clicked on the story if say it was on a list out of 20 other stories. However, it was a good title that matched the storyline yet it also gives away the story. Luckily no one had the same title here on AFF so prompts to you for a rare title. 

(2/10) Character: Here's one of the major flaw many writers here do. They tend to expect their readers to know all of their characters (you were in luck because I was familiar with most characters in here) however this may not apply to other readers. For instance, Yoo Jae Suk (I love him in "Running Man") but not everyone will know who he is. Even if he pops up just once, a description of him would be nice. Now, for your idols. Aside from Jongup and Daehyun whom are on the cover, I have no idea what Youngjae, Himchan, Yongguk, and Zelo looks like. From appearance to the way they're clothed. The story jumps right into the character's names with no description at all, whatsoever. This is a fanfic so authors do tend to change some personality, looks, and behaviors. This is the area where you would want to spend more time on and make it much clearer for your readers. 

I honestly don't understand Jongup's character at all. He seems cheerful, happy-go-lucky, and whatnot. However, he roll his eyes way too often to the point where it bugged me. (I dislike characters who roll their eyes at pretty much everything.) Jongup is our main character and the main character is usually the driver for the story, his or her purpose is to make the readers wanting to keep reading. Jongup's character was a turn-off for me. 

Daehyun was probably the only character whom I found was different from the others, everyone else loved Jongup too much that they all appear as one person with different bodies caring for the same man.

One thing that bugged me was how the characters was introduced and became part of the story. I feel like you wanted to include many characters into your story, yet no one stood out. There were so many characters that it really killed the story. I understand that every person got to be somebody, but when you're straight up revealing their names, you're either saying "Chansung is in this story and you KNOW who he is." or "Jongup knows Chansung." Because honestly if you wanted to include all of these idols from various group, at least give the readers a description of who they are, what they look like, why are their names important? Should we care that Chansung and Nichkhun are in here as well? 

What bothered me about all of the characters is that no one seems to have any sense or different personality from one another. They all appear childish and whatnot. As Himchan is a CEO, I expected a more stern, strict, or even serious person, because CEO tends to be more professional (in real life) so I thought he would be more serious. But he was no different when he was chasing Youngjae around due to one simple matter, doing Jongup's hair, in which Jongup didn't even mind.

Taemin and Key were brought up once or twice as well but they played no significant role. Maybe it's just me being picky, but even side characters are important or should be important. They are supposed to help the main character drive the story, yet no one did that.

I wished that you had some separate scenes with Youngjae and Zelo together, or Yongguk and Himchan. But from day to night, it was all about Jongup. Try to include why side characters are important, maybe a day at work with Himchan. I feel like none of the characters care about making a living, it was all about love.

The eye-rolling was also very common and since they're guys, I'd say try to avoid that as much as possible. 

(5/10) Originality: The story was too blunt and very common. Falling in love with a bodyguard, marrying the bodyguard, the bodyguard getting hurt. The story didn't seem creative or new to read. Bullying is also a common factor. However, as I always stated  before, even if the story is common or cliche, it's the characters that make the story different. So half points for that. 

(20/40) Storyline/Plot: Before I get into the storyline, I would like to point out something. This is just my position and opinion, once I hit chapter 20 I feel like I could scan through the other chapters and will still be able to predict and understand the story. And I did. For me, once I'm forced to start scanning then that means the pace of the story was too slow, and it indeed was. There were no twists that would throw me off guard, the story was easy to follow through but at the same time it really dragged the whole storyline. 

That being said the progression of this story was way to slow for me. However, the events were worth a read. Now to the storyline. 

As mentioned before, the story jumped in with no description of what each characters looks like and why or how they're connected to the whole story. Not saying they can't have friends who are unimportant, but let's use Kyungsoo as an example. He's Jongup's best friend who fanboys over Daehyun's looks and 'coolness' yet he doesn't stand out. (I found him annoying) Don't take me wrong, I'm not a fan of EXO but that doesn't mean I don't like them or know them. (Their personalities etc) BUT, Kyungsoo's character in here did thrown me off guard, and through the majority of the story I cannot imagine any of the scenes that were taking place. Why? I have no idea of their surroundings, I thought they were rich since they hired a bodyguard for their maknae, the fact that Himchan is a CEO, and that they have a maid. But other than that, I have no clue what Youngjae does for a living and the fact that Jongup goes to a University with a non-college atmosphere confused me. 

Here's what I mean, I'm a student in college and I'm sure even in Korea, the same rules does apply when a student is late or whatnot. The fact that the whole class and even the teacher paid attention to Daehyun when he was late to the lecture was like 'what the heck?' to me. Because even if a student is late or coming in while the teacher is lecturing, no one gives that student or those students any attention. Because in college you pay to get an education, not to worry about why someone was late or was a new student. YET, that's just me and a community college. So for a University with classes of over a few hundred students in a class, I can't imagine instructors giving their students any attention. And then what I found interesting was that Jongup and Kyungsoo tends to talk a lot DURING lessons and in class. I feel like this should have been a high school story, not a university. Despite their age, I feel like a University wasn't necessary in this story. Then again, that's my view on college.

What I don't understand is why did they feel they had to hire a bodyguard for Jongup? Was it just because he's a pretty boy? Usually one would expect bodyguard(s) to keep one safe, however that was not the case here. Say someone is after Jongup's due to his appearance and have attempted to take him away or brings harm to him, then a need to hire a bodyguard was deemed necessary. I just couldn't sense any kind of connection here. 

I'd say the overall storyline was cliche and too long, there are all of these minor events that slowly leads to their relationship but there was no major event. (In my opinion.) The storyline didn't keep me wanting more. 

I'm guessing the plot was when Jongup and Taehyung got kidnapped. That again is another cliche plot and it was easily solved by Daehyun showing up with the police. 

I did like the twist of Daehyun being a father, I didn't see that coming. 

The point that everyone uses a pet name on everyone was annoying to me personally, if only Himchan and Youngjae did it then it would have been a better read, but Yongguk and Zelo were also as protective and mindful of Jongup as anyone else. 

And is it just me or does everyone support homo marriage/relationship here? (Not that I'm for or against it)

(19/25) Grammar/Errors: There wasn't a lot of grammar mistakes or error; however, a lot of sentences were executed awkwardly. There's too many and too much unnecessary words that were included. Below are some examples that I've tweaked a little and also in parenthesis, I explained why and how it should be changed or reworded. There were more errors but below are just a few I picked out. Also you tend to use the term 'cute' a lot, how about descriping why or how they're cute instead of just bluntly using that term. Cute to you may be different than of that to your readers, and as an author you would want to give your readers a good visual of what you meant. If not then try not to use it, instead focus on other pieces of information that could be distributed. As I read through the story, the grammar and sentence structure did improve and I was glad it made it easier to read and follow, so kudos there. 

The use of "...." was also out of place. The author shouldn't use it out of a character's speech. It makes it awkward to read.

Original: “Chan Hyung is right, baby. There are different kinds of people with different kinds of attitudes. First week as a freshy is not something to enjoy about. Seniors won’t let their butts stay helpless in their seats. They would start hunting for new victims to be bullied off.” Youngjae sounded like a dad – very serious to the point that it never crosses your mind he would be one. (CH. 1)

Suggestion: “Chan Hyung is right, baby. There are different people with different types of attitudes. First week as a freshy won't be as enjoyable as one had suspected. Seniors won’t remain helplessly seated in their seats. They would start hunting for new victims to bully.” Youngjae sounded like a dad – very serious to the point that it never crosses one's mind he would be one. 
(Most sentences sounded awkward if you read them aloud. I made a few changes and reworded some sentences. Tips for this area, never use the term "your" when you're speaking from an author perspective. Your sounds like you're talking and referring to the readers when you want to refer to the characters.)

Original: “Don’t blame me for doing this to you. I already called you several times but seemed like you really enjoyed spacing out on this very first morning day as university student. What’s exactly on your mind, huh?” Kyungsoo, his best friend since elementary school said while giving his questioning look to Jongup. (CH 1)

Suggestion: “Don’t blame me for doing this to you. I called you several times but you seemed to really enjoy spacing out, especially on your first day as a university student. What exactly is on your mind, huh?” His best friend since elementary school, Kyungsoo, said while giving him a questioning look. 
(The sentence was awkward and a run-on. "Kyungsoo, his best friend since elementary school said while giving his questioning look to Jongup." Here instead of giving out his name first, state what he is to Jongup and then his name. And here you have "his" after Kyungsoo which meant you were already referring to Jongup. However you included Jongup's name at the end of the same sentence while changing the second "his" after "giving ___ questioning" back to Kyungsoo. Once you're speaking from one side of the party, stay on that side. When you first mentioned 'his' we already know you meant Jongup, so don't change that 'his,' 'him,' to Kyungsoo in the middle of the sentence. It's improper grammar and pronoun/noun mistake.)

Original: “Oh, please. Not you too. Don’t you think I’m big enough to have bodyguard tailing me behind? Plus, I’m a MAN. Probably I won’t mind if I was born as a girl. Ahhh, one more thing, Jae Hyung said that he will start today but as you can see, he is nowhere to be seen. So, it was totally a lie.” Jongup stated, matter-of-factly. Well, at least from his view point. (CH 1)

Suggestion: “Oh, please. Not you too. Don’t you think I’m old enough to have a bodyguard tailing me? Plus, I’m a MAN. I probably wouldn’t mind if I was born as a girl. Ahhh and one more thing, Jae Hyung said that he will start today but as you can see, he is nowhere to be seen. So, it was totally a lie.” Jongup stated. Well, at least from his point of view.
("Big" just doesn't sound right, because how big is 'big'? And do you mean size big or...? Tailing is already a term that could be understood as 'behind' so including the term 'behind' after the whole sentence isn't necessary. 'Matter-of-factly' just sounds strange. Instead of using 'view point' maybe use "point of view", "perspective", or "assumption".)

Original: He did not make any move to rescue the kids as he saw they could handle it themselves regardless how weak they looked right now compared to the three tall guys. 

Suggestion: He did not make a move to rescue the kids as he saw they could handle it themselves; regardless how weak they looked compared to the three tall guys. 
(This is a run-on sentence so maybe a semi-colon will do or a comma. Period works as well. "right now" we know the situation is taking place currently so adding "right now" is just fluff that wasn't needed.)

Original: Perhaps his first day in University made him that exhausted after a long break of doing nothing to work his brain on. Youngjae patted Himchan’s shoulder and beckoned him to go to dining room for dinner. Soon, the two Moon brothers were already in their seats waiting for their baby dongsaeng to come down.

Suggestion: Perhaps it's his first day going to school so he was exhausted after taking a long break of doing nothing to work his brains. Youngjae patted Himchan’s shoulder and beckoned him to go to the dining room for dinner. Soon, the two Moon brothers were already in their seats waiting for their baby dongsaeng to come down.
(Reworded some.)

Original: “Aigoo~ baby, stop stuffing food in your mouth. You’ll choke on it, careful my dear.” Youngjae softly said to Jongup before he put chicken in his maknae’s plate. His dongsaeng could only smile making his eyes turned into crescent ones as he could not thank his hyung verbally. True, Youngjae’s most favorite food was chicken, but when it came to his beloved baby dongsaeng, he would do anything just to see his brother happy and smiled that angelic smile and just let his chicken go. Well, he could get another one if he wanted it, right?

Suggestion: “Aigoo~ baby, stop stuffing food into your mouth. Careful my dear or you’ll choke on it.” Youngjae softly said to Jongup before he put chicken on his maknae’s plate. His dongsaeng smiled, his eyes shaping into crescent ones, as he could not thank his hyung verbally. True, Youngjae’s favorite food is chicken, but when it comes to his beloved dongsaeng, he would do anything to see his brother's happy with that angelic smile and just let his chicken go. Well, he could always get another one if he wanted to, right?
(To be honest this was difficult to reword. Tips, a plate is often flat or always flat, at least more flat than a bowl. So the term should be "on" not "in". For example a tray, if I were to say "put that apple in the tray." it'll sound funny. So I would say "put that apple on the tray." Because trays are usually flat. Or you can use a can or bottle as an example too. "Put this in the bottle" versus "Put this on the bottle". Unless you're talking about the surface/outside of the bottle then "on" is the correct term.) 

Original: Jongup tried to move his body from being on top of Daehyun, and that handsome bodyguard immediately gave him assistance. By seconds, they already stood side by side and avoided meeting each other’s eyes. Jongup busied himself with brushing any dust on his shirt off (which apparently no dust at all) and Daehyun’s right hand made its way to the back of his neck and his left one into his pocket. Well, the air seemed so awkward to the point that Hyosung herself felt it. She then ignored it and approached Jongup closer.

Suggestion: Jongup tried to move his body from being on top of Daehyun, but that handsome bodyguard immediately gave him assistance. Within seconds, they already stood side by side and avoided meeting each other’s eyes. Jongup busied himself with brushing imaginary dust off his shirt and Daehyun’s right hand made its way to the back of his neck, and his left one into his pocket. Well, the air seemed so awkward to the point that Hyosung herself felt it. She then ignored it and approached Jongup.
(I feel it should be "but". Because 'and' is like a term that's used when objects or people are taking place at the same time. The term and would have been fine if you haven't included the term immediately. Tried is a term that is used with time, like you're trying and trying takes time, versus where "immediately" is instantly. Instead of using parenthesis to help you descripe or explain more thoroughly, try doing that in the story. Parenthesis is usually when an author left out a piece of information and they needed to add it in or something similar to that. Again as I mentioned before, "approached" is already a term used for getting and/or coming closer. So I don't see the point of adding in "closer" at the end of the sentence.)

Original: Daehyun who was never look nervous upon what was happening to him. How can he look so calm after all the attention is on him?

Suggestion: Daehyun never seemed nervous about what was going to happen to him; how could he remain so calm with all of the attention on him?
(Somehow the whole two sentences sounded awkward, 'was never look', etc. I didn't do a good-job at rewording it, but I'm sure you'll be able to come up with something.)

Original: True, he had been Jongup’s bodyguard for five days already but apart from the incident whereby he was bumped and topped by Jongup and daily meetings for the job he was currently carrying, he never realized how cute and beautiful the Moonbaby was.

Suggestion: True, he has been Jongup’s bodyguard for five days already but apart from the incident whereby he was bumped and topped by Jongup and daily meetings for the job he was currently carrying, he never realized how cute and beautiful the Moonbaby was.
(I did not understand this whole paragraph at all.... I mean I sort of got it, but the way it was set up was confusing, "he was bumped and topped by Jongup and daily meetings for the job he was currently carrying". What do you mean by bumped and topped here?) 

Original: “Err, I-I’m…I’m sorry.” Jongup immediately apologized. He did not know what to do to make Daehyun felt better, so he just did what came across his mind.

Suggestion: “Err, I-I’m…I’m sorry.” Jongup immediately apologized. He did not know what to do to make Daehyun feel better, so he just did what came across his mind.
(I noticed you often put "felt" while it is past tense, you'd want to use "feel" too if it's present. Because here, Daehyun already felt bad, so Jongup wanted to make him feel better.) 

Original: “Erm, we won’t get stomach upset after that, would we?” Himchan asked, concern was seen in his eyes. Well, it was Moon Himchan we were talking here. Yongguk smiled and simply answered his Himchan’s question.

Suggestion:  “Erm, we won’t get stomach pain afterwards, would we?” Himchan asked with concern. Yongguk smiled and simply answered his Himchan’s question.
(The reason I take out the sentence about Himchan completely was because that was the author talking to the viewer, saying that we already know that Himchan was worried with getting stomach pain. But it didn't exactly explain why it was Himchan we're talking about, instead it skipped right to Yongguk answering his question. If there were information as to why out of everyone he was mentioned, it would be alright to include that sentence. [Sorry I'm bring picky here])

Original: They were separated and Taehyung was brought to leave the room. Jongup called for his son but he was yelled to shut his mouth. Jongup focused on his attempt to break free from the strong hold that he did not realize another presence in the room. (Ch. 46)

Suggestion: They were separated and Taehyung was taken out of the room. Jongup called for his son but he was yelled at to shut his mouth. Jongup was focusing so hard on his attempt to break free from the strong hold, that he did not realize there was another presence in the room. 

(1/5) Overall Enjoyment: I wished I would have enjoyed this story some more, I mean I love B.A.P, Jae Suk, Jieun, BTS, but when the character list starts increasing it is a turn off for a story. I wished Jongup would have focused on his education as well, whether he was home or at school, all he tend to talk about was love, his bodyguard, his family. But that's just me and my passion for education, however I hope I have not discouraged you in anyway and hope that you will keep writing and keep improving. I upvoted your story because I feel that you have the potential to keep writing and being a good writer. 

(51.5/100) Points Total (Points does not make your story, they make perspective!)

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

The story itself: I felt like as an author, you were also fangirling/boying over your own piece of work. Try not to talk to the readers as you're telling the story, avoid lines like 'we all know he's cute right?' unless a character in the story is asking that. Instead of assuming that your readers would agree with you, provide us the details and information as to why he would be define as 'cute' currently. If you have included more description of each character, your story would have a higher grade. 

And again I'll like to apologize for not puting in all of my effort to read through the other chapters. I know you put in a lot of effort to write the story (each chapter was long) and you would want people to read and enjoy them, but this storyline just wasn't my cup of tea. But keep writing and being awesome!

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