Assassin

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: asarielsims

Requested on: 02/03/2015
Finished On: 02/21/2015
(I'm terribly sorry for taking so long)

NOTE: 6 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(8/10) Title: The title you chose is accurate and adequate, but it is not the most original one out there. Many stories about killers can be found easily, so I suggest adding some word to the title, that would make the story stand out from others immediately.

(8/10) Character: The amount of characters is right, but at times they all blend too much, especially when the girls are all together. Also, the way they interact, mostly in the beginning, gives a feel that they all are homoual and have a thing for each other. I understand the skinship and the closeness, but you describe everything in a way that the reader gets a slightly different impression of relationship between all five girls. I also couldn't comprehend Victoria inviting Jinki to their place, but maybe there's more to come from that action. Speaking of Jinki, it's great how at first reader thinks the male protagonist is a shy geek, who wouldn't dare to look a girl in the eye, but later it appears to be another way. He's actually brave and even flirty.

(8/10) Originality: Honestly speaking, I don't find assassin stories very original, but I like how in this story there is a group of them, also how the girls became assassins is not known yet and that keeps the reader going. Yet there's one more disadvantage, what regards originality. The idea of an assassin falling in love with their target is too much of a cliché.

(38/40) Storyline/Plot: There isn't much story written yet, so it's a bit hard to evaluate the plot. However, I managed to find some flaws and perks. For example, the protagonist Luna shows off her emotions and feelings towards her target Lee Jinki too easily. As a professional in what she does she should be more wary of her actions and what she says. The way the two officially met in the Cafe is predictable but that suits the story well. What I liked very much was how in Chapter 4 you showed Luna's past by contrasting it with Jinki's story about his own life. 

(24/25) Grammar/Errors: Your grammar skills are good. There were some mistakes, but they didn't disturb too much. Probably the thing that caught my attention the most was your way of writing hours. You wrote 1300 and 1415 but it is not how time is written in English. The most suitable way would be 1PM and 2:15PM. Here are some more tips on writing dates and hours. Also, sometimes you mix Present Simple and Past Simple tenses, so be sure to check the rules once again. There were some more mistakes, but as I said, not too many. I've picked some from first three chapters and will display them below. Talking about your writing style, it is as good as your grammar skills. Not perfect, but well. You use appropriate words, the flow is good and it is not hard to understand what you want to say.
Prologue – “knelt down on from” - “knelt down in front of”;
“splatter me” - “splattered on me”;
“day's work” - “day of work” would sound better;
Chapter 1 - “sounded behind me” - “sound behind me”;
“any second from now” - “any second now”;
“someone of two missing” - “one or two missing”;
Chapter 2 - “My heart was pounding madly, which surprises me” - “surprised me”;

(4/5) Overall Enjoyment: All in all, I liked the story that you've written so far, though it's not what I'm used to reading on my own. Some details seemed pathetic to me but the way you write is gripping.

(90/100) Points Total

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