She brings the boys out

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for:  aishwarya0906

Requested on: 10/02/2014
Finished On: 10/16/2014

NOTE: 50 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(8/10) Title: I want to go with eight points from the title, because yes, there aren't many search results with such title but I've been already reading series of one-shots with very similar title on my own, so I can't say that your title is that original.

(6/10) Character: Talking about the main protagonist, which is Eunji, I just want to clarify that I do understand that this is a series of one-shots, which basically means that chapters aren't connected and the only thing that bound the main characters is the name. However, in some chapters Eunji's character seemed pretty dull. Also, in most cases the minor characters (usually the guys) acted stupid and didn't make logical decision, but I'll expand on that later when talking about each chapter.

(5/10) Originality: This is really tough for me to decide how many points should I give for originality, since it's not a one chaptered story. Some stories really caught my attention and were truly stunning with original ideas, but the others were just simple rip-offs. So I guess the best score would be the half, in this case five.

(20/40) Storyline/Plot: I'll be talking about each story, so let's start with the first one, that was written in chapters 1-4. What caught my attention the most was that you jumped too much between the author's, Eunji's and Hyungsik's point of views. The narration would flow better if you stayed at one point of view or two maximum. In first chapter author's POV could have been showed through Hyungsik's. What I mean by this is that the guy could have been the one to describe Eunji's voice and the reaction of crowd. In fourth chapter the first author's POV is not needed, because everything could be explained through Eunji's eyes.

Talking about the next story, which took over chapter 5-10, I was quite fond of the experiment idea. However, it was dumb of Kai to fall on the floor after kissing Eunji, it was really an awkward action. In the sixth chapter Kai's POV could have been put before the author's. And finally, how did the experiment end? You write nothing about it, but you should definitely mention at least some tiny detail, providing the information.

What I liked about the Chapter 11 was that you compared Eunji and Joon to Cinderella and Prince Charming.

Chapter 12 just made my blood boil, because it was such a rip-off of The Vampire Diaries, it's actually pathetic. I understand using the whole vampire concept, Bar Grill, but making Myungsoo posses surname Salvatore and even have brother Stefan is actually too much.

In Chapter 13 I liked Eunji's power and thought it was quite original. But you should have mentioned the werewolf man more precisely throughout the story, not only in the last sentence.

Chapter 14 got me more angry than the one about TVD. I felt like reading about Diggory, since you mentioned Quidditch, Great Lake and even named the girl he went to dance with Cho as in original Harry Potter series. Anyhow, I liked how you described the pain, it was surreal and I could almost feel what Eunji was going through.

There's nothing much I can say about Chapter 15, but I guess it is very similar to TV series “Supernatural” (never watched it) and the scene you described felt like taken out from an episode.

Chapter 16's storyline reminded me a lot of this video, so I couldn't tell that it's actually an original idea, but definitely one of he cutest.

Chapter 18 is the first one-shot I sincerely liked. I think the plot is one of the bests.

In Chapter 19 you should have mentioned Jaejoong's name sooner, not in the middle of the story, because when he gets Eunji's name, his own name is said and it feels like the character came from the thin air.

I loved Chapter 20! I was well-written, everything felt in its right places even if it was a cliché. This is definitely one of my personal favourites.
What I liked the most about Chapter 21 was that Eunji and Seungyoon met in a cab. This idea seemed fresh and not like most of the stories. But I lost it when Seungyoon, a well-known celebrity, asked Eunji, an ordinary girl he just met, to be his date for an important public event. This really doesn't happen in real world and since it wasn't some kind of fantasy story, it was stupid.

Chapter 22 intrigued me with the idea about multiple lifespans.

Chapter 23 seemed too much of a cliché. I mean, a bad boy having a father that cares only about his sons' sports and a girl, who has terrible parents can be found in too many stories.

The next chapter, Chapter 24, was not that bad, but the ending cracked me up. It was really awkward and weird for Jiyong to ask Eunji about her last period out of blue.

In Chapter 25 I liked how you described loneliness, it was really nicely written. It was very touching, especially the ending. However, I felt mad when Eunji kissed another guy even though she had a boyfriend.

Chapter 26 has an awesome beginning. Also, the whole story was very warm, calm, without much tension, which was nice. I liked that scene with the coin a lot and also when Eunji got little tasks from Jungyung's friends to reach him.

When reading Chapter 27 I laughed so much at “I have the charisma of a biology textbook”. That's such a good remark, great job with coming up with such a sentence!

What I have say about Chapter 28 is just... so is it Ron or Leo? You jump between the names so much that in the end I couldn't tell who Eunji is in love with.

In Chapter 29 I would say that it was such a cliché for Minhyuk to go after Eunji...

In Chapter 30 I thin you played well by telling the back-story with Kikwang looking at pictures.

In Chapter 31 it was strange and out of character for Mrs. Lee to hug the maid Eunji.

I think Chapter 32 showed your progress in writing characters in cliché one-shots. It was no more someone running after their friend when moments ago the other confessed love. It finally seemed logic when Taeyang said he needed time to think about the situation after Eunji told the guy she loved him.

Chapter 33-34 pissed me off a little. I think true lovers are always there for each other, so it was stupid for Henry not to be with Eunji, when her grandmother died. I also think that Henry should have told Eunji about the stalker girl. Also, Eunji reacts too harshly when Henry tells her about his new job offer. She should have tried to compromise or something, not just to run away.

In Chapter 35 Eunji's character was one of the bests. I liked that she wasn't hurt after breaking up with Hakyeon, since she didn't love him in the first place. However, Hongbin was a douchebag for kissing Eunji, because he had a girlfriend at the time.

Chapter 36 was a very nice one-shot, which I liked a lot. It was so simple, but sweet. I enjoyed the scene where Key did Eunji's hair.

In Chapter 37 Eunji's pregnancy was really unexpected, you could have expanded more on that.

In Chapter 38 I liked that you chose heaven as the setting, however there was lack of plot.

In Chapter 39 Soo Hyun's last words touched me, nice job!

Chapter 40 was like a breeze of fresh air with the plot and so on. I loved Jongsuk's character, because it was heart-touching how he stayed strong and firm even when Eunji lost the baby.

In Chapter 41 I couldn't actually get where Mark was coming from, when he decided he wanted to go to jail for 17 years... Also, it wasn't clear what happened to him. I suppose he died and Eunji was going to his grave, but you should have written what actually happened to the guy.

I couldn't understand Chapter 42's main idea and the purpose. What ere “they”, some scientist who ran experiment on humans?
Chapter 44 was short but warm, cute and just nicely written.

Talking about Chapter 45, it wasn't clear why it is called “Lust”, when you don't actually speak about lust as people having and so on. Also, I couldn't understand the part where you wrote that Eunji would hurt both Himchan and Zelo by breaking their hearts. I mean, what is she going to do to hurt them both? Anyways, it was well-written.

About Chapter 46 I have one question – why would Baekyun carry a rug in his backpack? It certainly wouldn't fit into the backpack in the first place... However, the idea was more original than most of previous one-shots.

In Chapter 47 I liked how the story began from ghost's POV, also the story was nicely written. What I didn't understand was why would Sunggyu want a divorce if he loved Eunji that much...

The beginning of Chapter 48 was awkward, but the story itself was original and tragic. I liked the idea about gems containing memories.

The fact that you told the story of Chapter 49 in servant's POV was awesome. But it was strange for Kai, as a servant, to call his master Eunji the her name. Kai's question if he could please Eunji seemed bold, demanding but innocent, it cracked me up a little.

And finally, I didn't get Chapter 50. What were they running from? It was such a mess, I couldn't understand anything.

(15/25) Grammar/Errors:

So I can't keep myself from saying this, but there were tons of grammar mistakes and for future references I would strongly suggest you find a proofreader. Just like I did the with plot, I will expose as many mistakes as I can withing the chapters. Let's begin from the first chapter. To make it easier, on the left I will copy what you have written and on the right I will show how it should have been:

Ch 1-4 “their high expectations of me was stressful enough but the fact that the semi-finals was to be broadcasted live...” – “their high expectations of me were stressful already, but the fact that the semi-finals were broadcast live...”

“they would to cheer” – “they would cheer”

“perssure” – “pressure”

“our-self” – “ourselves”

“houndreds” – “hundreds”

“I coul've been happiner” – “I couldn't have been happier”

“to becoming” – “to become”

“watching his do so well” – “watching him do so well”

“we'll realised” – “we've realized”

Ch 5-10 “he wore a black tank top, exposuring her toned arms...” – “he wore a black tank top, exposing his toned arms...”

“you're girlfriend” – “your girlfriend”

Ch 12 “soon because too much from Myungsoo to handle any long” – I seriously didn't get what you wanted to say

Ch 15 “new to town” – “new in town”

Ch 17 “as my human eyes starting to leak” – “as my human eyes started to leak”

“you are the coldest hearted God” – “you're the most cold-hearted God I know”

Ch 20 “you're drunken self” – “your drunken-self”

Ch 26 “she had made immediate friends with Dongwoon and Hayoung” – “she immediately became friends with Dongwoon and Hayoung”

Ch 27 “I've like you” – “I've always liked you”

Ch 28 “he visited Egypt a couple of years” – “he visited Egypt a couple of years ago”

“a stack of book” – “a stack of books”

“the windows are the eyes to the soul” – “the eyes are the windows to the soul”

Ch 29 “a waitressing job” – “a waitress job”

Ch 31 “would have knocked first before entry” – “would have knocked before entering”

Ch 32 “she felt an empty void inside” – “she felt empty inside” or “she had void inside” because “void” is already blank, so saying “empty void” is like saying “chocolate cake full of chocolate”.

“as Taeyang and her sat in his room” – “as Taeyang and she sat in his room”

Ch 33 “he sighed a sigh of relief” – “he sighed with relief”

Ch 39 Nouns never ever begin with a capital letter when they're in the middle of the sentence, please remember that.

Ch 41 “it was the date for court” – “it was the day of court”

Ch 50 “streets stranger to us” – “streets strange to us” or “streets unknown to us”, or “streets we weren't familiar with”

(2/5) Overall Enjoyment: I'm able to give you only two points for this, because too many one-shots were cliché, character were lacking and were just wasn't enough originality throughout the whole series. However, I liked some of them, so I can't give you zero for my own enjoyment.

(56/100) Points Total

Bonus: Your questions and focuses for us:

It is a collection of one-shots/ short stories so I would like for you to focus on whether the plot's are interesting enough and whether the flow from one chapter to the next is good enough!

Some plots were interesting and original, but maybe not even half of them. A lot were too much of cliché, that could be found in any mainstream movie, TV series or book. I'm not really sure what you mean by “flow from one chapter to next”, since almost every chapter tells a different story about different characters, so basically there can't be any flow, since there's no succession.

Feel free to give any further questions.

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