Story Pick Up: 

Fishing For a Soulmate

Note: One Shot (Spoiler Alert)

"Fishing For a Soulmate" is actually a catchy title. I marked you down half a point because 'For' should be 'for'. F needs to be lowercased. Otherwise it's related to the story and is uniquely creative.

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Character: (5/10)

I do not understand the importance of Jaejoong and Jessica being in the story. They were side characters who ate up about 1/4 of the story and they only mattered because Hoseok knew them. If they were to reveal something about Hoseok or at least was the cause of helping Hoseok find Taekyeon then I felt it would have been fine if they were included in the story. Also, characters such as Hongki was so random that it made me question why I need to know about Hoseok's cousin who's connected to Jaejoong? Who's still an unimportant side character? Namjoon and Hyeri were there too and doing their own thing. There's not much to say about them, they were stable characters. 

Hoseok doesn't give off a great or bad impression. In fact I can't tell what his true hobbies and personality is like? It seems he's caring and kind yet at the same time he's not fond of Hyeri? Like why not...? I mean he seems to be cool with his brother so why can't he like his brother's soul mate? Anyway, there was no character development as the story was short. But the feelings and personalities of Taekyeon and Hoseok were so rushed that I honestly can't tell what they're really like. 

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Originality: (10/10)

The idea itself is fresh and original. Sure there are many siren stories where the human and siren ends up being together. But this was on another level where there were pills and everything else. I loved the plot! You've got a creative mind. 

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Story-line/Plot: (28/40)

I love the idea of fishing for your soul mate, however I feel like the plot and idea wasn't presented all that well. First off the pace of the story was way too fast. The beginning was alright as Hoseok was just admiring himself in the mirror and leaving home, but after that everything came crashing down on us. All of a sudden we're expected to learn of shells with different colors as they hold different meanings. First all as the author you could have set that up for us in the beginning, maybe where Hoseok was fixing his hair? Say his shell was placed on the counter as he was doing his hair and was trying to avoid getting hair gel on it? From there then you can go on with the colors and meanings of each color. 

When Hoseok was at the beach I was expecting him to really look for his soul mate, but instead he meets people he knew on and helped them come together instead. As mentioned above, because all characters seems to be related to Hoseok for some reason, it felt like this story was set in a small town where everyone knew one another? Anyway, what was quite disappointing was Taekyeon and Hoseok's first meeting. It happened so quickly that I felt no true emotions or reality from the scenes. It was a rushed meeting with rushed feelings. 

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Grammar/Errors: (20/25)

I wouldn't say your grammar was horrible nor was it perfect, but it was to a point where I had to stop and correct sentences, etc before continuing on with reading. It slowed me down, though the story itself was fairly short. However, I've provided as much help as I could down below without overwhelming you nor trying to correct the whole story. I highly recommend a beta reader or that you proof-read.

There were way too many run-on sentences. Make use of your commas and other punctuation so it'll flow smoother. Sentences that can use commas are when a character's name is mentioned in the middle of the sentence. For example, "How about you Hoseok can you carry me," Try "How about you Hoseok? Can you carry me?" or "How about you Hoseok, can you carry me?" Plus, don't end sentences with commas, especially if it isn't the same character talking in the next sentence. 

Read this sentence aloud: I run as fast as I could and kicking up some dirt and sand in the air and I stop as I stand just by the edge of the shore. 

Now read this one out loud: I ran as fast as I could, kicking dirt and sand into the air then I came to a stop when I was near the edge of the shore. [It's better if you use near instead of by.]

1) Original: Looking at myself in the mirror I apply gel on my hair to keep my hair up. The green hair gel was dripping from my hand and on to the marble floor and I quickly applied it before I make a bigger mess. The reason I use hair gel is to disguise the fact that I had a cow from the public's eyes, because people with cow tend to be teased the most. I straighten my fishing attire and I look one last time at the mirror before heading downstairs. As I left my room which was made out of melted gold and decorative seashells all around the walls. The mansion itself was made out of gold and had the same design as my bedroom. My brother and I inherited this mansion after our parents passed away when I was 7 and Namjoon was 12.  Our parents had died of drowning which had Namjoon scared of water ever since. After they passed away our aunt and uncle took care of us until Namjoon finished college at the age of 24 and earning a master's degree which is when they let us live in our real home. I also finished college recently and earning myself a bachelor degree at the age of 22. The thought brought a frown to my face and as to not dwell on the past I look at the colorful shells that decorated our wall.

Suggestion: Looking at myself in the mirror I apply gel on my hair to keep my hair up. The green hair gel was dripping from my hand and onto [onto is one word] the marble floor and I quickly applied it before I make a bigger mess [reworded: before I create even more of a mess]. The reason I use hair gel is to disguise the fact that I had a cow from the public's eyes, because [either use 'because' and get rid of the comma or leave the comma and delete 'because'] people with cow tend to be teased the most. I straighten my fishing attire and I look one last time at the mirror [reworded: took one last look of myself in the mirror] before heading downstairs. As I left my room which was made out of melted gold and decorative seashells all around the walls. The mansion itself was made out of gold and had the same design as my bedroom. [Make it different paragraphs. Don't overwhelm your readers with unstable large bodies of writing.]

My brother and I inherited this mansion after our parents passed away when I was 7 [seven - numbers above 10 needs to be written out.] and Namjoon was 12 [twelve - 12 is over ten but to keep the flow, we'll write out both numbers].  Our parents had died of drowning which had Namjoon scared of water ever since. After they passed away our aunt and uncle took care of us until Namjoon finished college [instead of saying finished college twice, try saying 'graduated from college/completed college] at the age of 24 and earning a master's degree which is when they let us live in our real home. I also finished college recently and earning myself a bachelor degree at the age of 22 [ . The thought brought a frown to my face and as to not dwell on the past I look at the colorful shells that decorated our wall[s].

2) Original: Merpeople exist everywhere even in desert except they are in an oasis. While areas where there is no water at all they instead develop feet, but their scales and fins stay.

3) Original: Merpeople exist everywhere even in deserts, except they are in an oasis. While areas where there is no water at all they instead develop feet, but their scales and fins stay. [reworded: Whereas sirens found at waterless sights devloped feet instead with their scales and fins still intacted.]

4) Original:  I see my shell yellow meaning I wasn't close or far,... 

Suggestion:  I see the color of my shell turn yellow, meaning I wasn't close nor far,... [Add or remove more terms to elaborate what you're meaning to say or describe. Otherwise it's choppy. For example: A dog sees people walking and was near alley. (Like what the heck does this mean? It could mean the dog was seeing people walking near the alley or the dog itself was near the alley and sees people walking by.) versus: A dog sees people walking near the alley. Take out words that are not needed, input words that are needed, and reword certain words to get your point across. 

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Overall Enjoyment: (2/5)

I love the idea but as I said I felt the story was rushed (mainly since it was a one-shot. I understand that when it comes to one-shots, authors tend to rush the story because they want to keep it 'short' and under the 'one-shot' category.) But because it was rushed and cut short, I barely had time to think everything through correctly. I love the storyline and the plot, the idea itself was awesome, but the story could have been written with more feelings(?). 

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Total Score (74.5/100)

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Bonus: *Your questions and focuses for me*

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