92 Days with a Jerk - Min-Yung
BLK's Review Shop ACHIEVE--BLK'S--
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REMINDER
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BONUS: "a range of sentence structures and good use of vocaublary please."
focus: well you asked for it but you didn't use any words that really stood out. most of the words were dialog so i can't judge it well enough with that little.
extra: if i've made a mistake somewhere please tell me so i can fix it. or if i said something that sounds confusing to you i can explain it. maybe the store, but i triple checked so maybe not.
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REVIEWS AND FOR YOUR PATIENCE! HOPE TO SEE YOU VISIT AGAIN.
REQUEST ON: 06/21/15
REVIEWER: MYSTERFLY
FINISHED ON: 08/07/15
SCORE: 45/100
TITLE: (08/10)
LOGICAL (3/3) - DEfinitely it matches well with the story. actually, isn't it the summary of the whole story in one line? nice job keeping it clean.
EYE-CATCHING (1/3) - all i found was eyecatching was the number 92. on the other hand from the start i could tell what genres this story was going to be about(and since aff added poster pictures it's even more obvious).
ORIGINAL (4/4) - How i base originality on is, will another story with the same title pop up if i took a look from the search bar? nope, all i got was the story itself, the sequel, and some other things but mainly it was your profile.
note: make sure you capitalize the j in jerk.
STORY'S FOREWORD/DESCRIPTION (02/10)
STORY'S SUMMARY (0/5) - sorry to say but the last story i reviewed was just like this, an idol member that everyone loves but is actually satan. tough luck.
APPEARANCE (2/5) - it that i can't see jieun's or kwangmin's pictures. it may be in the poster but we're talking about description.
CHARACTERS/CASTS (10/10)
CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (5/5) - not really any change in luhan since he's actually a can of rotting ravioli in the end and his feelings were complete bs all the way to his roots. jieun you goddamn poor soul, why don't you just become an antiluhan fan and murder him at night. it doesn't matter if you end up in jail. anything for your beloved luhan amirite?
but to sum it up, jieun's mental state must be all kinds of messed up and that's the best kind of developement really. it changes both the reader and character. pfft as if it wasn't obvious enough above.
CHARACTER'S RELATIONS (5/5) - uh i don't know why don't you bring luhan here so i can ask him about the relationship he's been having with jieun. wow i want the key the door to his goddamn sadistic self. please bring it to me minyung.
THE AUTHOR'S MINDSET (17/40)
LOGICALLY (00/10) - okay i get that this site is called asian fan fics because it's never going to happen (unless you really get married to your idol, good luck) but let's back track to the beginning. An idol really accepts living with a girl that claims it's her house when you know it's yours? please, if i was luhan i'd ask my mangager about it. No actually where was luhan's mangager? did he just toss luhan away or something like jeez take care of your idols it's your job. that's what really bothered me the most but i guess with a manager there wouldn't be a story. still didn't make sense though.
ORIGINALITY (04/10) - I KNOW IT'S HARD TO WRITE A LOVE STORY WHEN ALL ROMANTIC SCENES ARE ALREADY USED UP BUT CONSIDERING THAT THE ONLY LOVE STORIES I READ ARE THE ONES REQUESTED. however the ending was what the four points came from. it's a shame that luhan is a motherfreakingasshat but i've seen stuff like this a lot on other sites.
TONE (5/5) - personality in description compared to the way they act doesn't disappoint me. great job with keeping the characters in tac.
NARRATION (0/5) - the random switching to jieun's pov to luhan's pov was bothering me. there were some points where luhan's point of view wasn't needed. for example getting ready, i'm not going to miss out on much if it wasn't included.
STORYLINE (08/10) - despite everything above the flow was great. all that bothered me was the beginning. c'mon luhan just barges in like that? wow to the agent that's selling the house, you obviously deserve awards for it.
PROPER USE OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE (08/25)
PROPER GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION (01/10) - remember to capitalize the beginning of sentences or when the character is speaking. also you go last. it's not "me, name, name." it's "name, name, name, me/i." capitalize names too.
TERMONOLOGY (2/5) - this was the extra focus you asked for however i didn't see much range in vocab.
LANGUAGE BARRIER (05/10) - not much use of korean terms but they were still there. Personality i hate it when they're used. I used to say that if you're going to use those terms then write the whole thing in korean. my thoughts really haven't changed since then.
REVIEWER'S ENJOYMENT (0/5)
text size was way out of hand. it's too small. on top of that the font squishes the words together so things like "he ran" looked like "her an" an? and what? also the bolding for thoughts was uneeded. with that it went from small to larger which throws off the balance.
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