Jongin in Wonderland

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: peanutoast

Requested on: 06/29/2015
Finished On: 07/05/2015

NOTE: One-Shot (Spoiler Alert)

(9/10) Title: The chosen title is literally bound to the story's concept. Therefore, it is accurate and fits this one-shot perfectly. What concerns originality, it is not completely there. Even by excluding word “wonderland” it could be hinted what this story is about. For example, the title could be “Jongin and the White Rabbit”

(8/10) Character: Characters are fairly-written. Sehun has only one line and he is not significant at all, so this character's name could be omitted and just described as “Jongin's brother” It is always better not to cram readers minds with useless information. Some readers might feel like Taemin could have been a spirit that embodied the white rabbit to seduce Jongin and lure the guy into his place. He is very mysterious guy or even a creature and he seems like someone who would do that – turn into an animal to lure someone into his trap and fulfill his own desires. Of course, for a keen reader it is obvious that Taemin is the caterpillar from original story, but there is this feeling that there is much more to Taemin's character. Jongin, on the other hand, is a bit hard to crack. He looks like a very naïve young boy, simply because he chases after a random white rabbit, determined to catch it, but he ends up in an unfortunate situation. He also is willing to take strange pill from a person he does not know in a creepy place. Yet, some readers might think if that is all to Jongin's character.

(9/10) Originality: It is unique to use Alice in Wonderland concept for a gay one-shot. However, more and more stories are being written now based on this and it starts to get a bit tiring for people, who read a lot of fan-fiction.

(34/40) Storyline/Plot: The plot is quite lacking. There are a lot of places where one or two additional sentences would make the narration better and clearer. For instance, in the very beginning it seems very casual, the way Jongin sees a white rabbit and chases after it. It would be good if the guy's previous activity was included. He could have been reading a book, surfing on the Net, or just returned from the kitchen with a bowl of food. Generally speaking, the whole storyline seemed like a dream or hallucination caused by drugs. Things were told more from Jongin's point of view and the narration felt a bit blurry. Having the protagonist in some gay bar high on drugs would have made this story more intriguing. What considers , it was written very well. Appropriate words were used and the created image was vivid. The only disturbing thing was Taemin's phrase “You need to get touched.” It sounded a bit unnatural and just out of place.

(25/25) Grammar/Errors: There were no grammar mistakes spotted, except for maybe one or two, but it is only for a keen native English speaker to see. Writing style in general is really good. Everything is described well. Scenes are explicit for a plot, so it is also good.

(3/5) Overall Enjoyment: Personally, I did not enjoy this one-shot to the fullest. I think there are things that could be fixed and since they make up a big part of the story, a lot is missing for me. It felt like the story could have begun with Jongin taking drugs and then seeing the white rabbit. Also for me, Taemin's character was not developed as much as it could have been.

(88/100) Points Total

Feel free to give any further questions.

Please don't forget to credit our shop's logo in your Foreword.