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Author: misslulufats
Reviewed By: KaihleeLo

Requested Date: 12/30/15

Review Completion: 12/30/15
Story Link: Link
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Title: 8/10

Logical: 2/3

The title and story are related and the title does cover the main point of the story.  However, Mona Lisa is the woman so I'm not sure if Luhan had intended to copy the original or not, since not much was mentioned. Like was the colors the same, the time period of the portrait, was it similar? Or why did Sehun choose to paint Mona Lisa as a woman but Luhan cames out as a guy...? I feel like Sehun only meant to paint a woman in a painting and not the Mona Lisa herself. So that's where I'm a bit iffy. But I suppose it does make sense as Mona Lisa is painted in such a way that her eyes seemed to be following her observers, like how Luhan sort of did to Sehun.  
Eye-catching: 2/3
I'm not sure if I would pick up the book if I saw the title only. It does give me a 'huh' impression. But at the same time it does make one wonder what it means. 
Original: 4/4
The title is definitely original, I've never seen anyone used the Mona Lisa in such a way. I thought it was clever though Mona Lisa as I said is a female. Maybe if the title was "[My]Mona Lisa is a Man?" it would have matched the story a bit more. But that's an pinion.  

Description/Foreword: 9/10

Summary: 4/5

The summary of the story feels stuffy, incomplete. Sure it's alluring and interesting in the first few lines but afterwards it started throwing me off. Like why would Luhan freak out and tell Sehun not to kiss him...? [We do find out why in the first chapter] However I suggest taking out the parts after the mentioning of Luhan coming out or is gone from the canvas. That would leave readers wanting more. The second half was kind of a turn off when it happen too quickly and just attack us readers cause it seemed like it happened in the exact patern, but that was not the case. I know it was probably meant for comedy but that's just my opinion on it. 

Here's the original version and how I suggest you write it: 

Original: What would Sehun do if his Mona Lisa painting comes to life? 

Sehun just finished painting his own Mona Lisa  portrait for his art project. Seconds later, his Mona Lisa winked at him. The next second he blinked his eyes, the canvas was empty. Sehun snapped his head to the left, and there she was - his princess Mona Lisa. Or so he thought. 

"Don't you dare kiss me. I'm a man." His Mona Lisa man spoke in a very manly way. Well of course, Sehun can see that - the man's tempting flat chest, the distracting bulge in the tight black dress and whoa!  The hairy legs to complete his description. "See? I have extremely hairy legs, very manly!" His Mona Lisa man said so. 

But who cares really... 

To Sehun, this man is just the perfect Christmas Gift.

Suggestion: What will Sehun do when his Mona Lisa painting comes to life? 

Sehun just finished painting his own Mona Lisa portrait for his art project. Seconds later, his Mona Lisa winked at him. When Sehun blinked, the canvas became empty. Sehun snapped his head to the left, and there she was - his princess Mona Lisa. Or so he thought. 

Appearance: 5/5
The layout is nice and easy to follow. There's a lot going on but it doesn't really bother the reader. 

Character Development/Showcasing: 7/10

Development: 3/5

As far as development goes, I'd say only Luhan has slowly developed the most. He wasn't exactly a person or human so he had no attachments to Sehun in the beginning. Though I don't quite understand why he'd have taste buds and such if he's only a painting? This was supposingly a short story with three or four major scenes so it does make sense if the characters aren't fully developed. But still, it would have done their characters more justic if more was explained. For example we know very little about our main characters, sure Sehun goes to college? (Since he has a professor?) But Sehun doesn't care for school and rarely goes....I wonder how he makes a living as he doesn't work too. Was it all from his dad?
 

Relation/Cast: 5/5
The relationship between each characters is natural as most of them are friends through relatives. I thought the side characters, Kris and Suho were rarely worth mentioning... They were unimportant side characters who stole the lead's spotlight/reader's attention for no necessarily means.  

As this is a crack fic, it was difficult to read and try to empathize with the characters since you, as the author, didn't give us enough reasons to love your characters. I'm sure any EXO-Ls would have loved them nonetheless, but other readers would be confuse. Plus all of the characters are very similar, in terms of their immature and childish acts. At times they are all also very irresponsible. But this is crack and its meant to be absurd so I supposed I can't really hate on the idea of not really knowing who they were. 

Behind the Author's Mind: 37/40

Logical: 10/10

The story is a crackfic so it makes sense that it doesn't quite make sense in a logically aspect of things, and at times it's just insane, but that's the point of crack fics. It's also fluff, so there's no plot really. 
Original: 10/10
My sister actually wrote a story similar to this (it's a Chen's fic) so this is the second time I've read something like this. But your story, it's definitely different and quite original. We got to see how openly accepted homouals relationships were, which is what I don't understand when Sehun was afraid of being called 'gay' by his family, especially when his cousin has been seeing a man for five years and his grandma didn't seem to find either. But that's a question for the storyline~ 
Tone: 5/5
The tone of the story was quite well written. Nothing really jump the readers as surprise.

Narration: 4/5

The narration was a bit iffy as sometimes the author's voice would be placed into the middle of the story and it does disturb the pace of it.  
Storyline: 8/10
A lot of the storyline didn't quite make sense as we're not given the delight to enjoy the world the characters live in. As I've also said we don't know much about the characters. The pace of the story moved at a decent pace overall I thought. We were able to see their love for one another grow over the course of living together.  I thought it was interesting how Sehun still believed in Santa Claus at his age, I mean obviously they seem to be living in a world where the man does exist, but at the same time not really? Anyway, I loved how Luhan was curious as to why Sehun shared everything with Santa, and when he caught Baekhyun he did the same and somewhat shared his thoughts, feelings, and concerns with Baekhyun. Which led to a happy ending in the end. 

Proper Use of the English Language: 21.5/25

Proper Grammar/Punctuation: 7/10

There were typos and grammar mistakes throughout the story. However I will only be pointing some out. The rest should be fixed by proofreading or having a beta reader. On a side note, a mile is a little over 5,000 feet, so 10 miles in a store is too long. [In chapter three].  

I suggest writing this diffrently, it has a few grammar mistakes and instead of it sounding like the author's notes with the parenthesis, try to include it into the text as part of the storytelling. Here's the original and the suggestion as to how I'd change it. 

Original: Sehun was wearing a tuxedo. His tie was pink and his shoes were pink (obviously he loves pink). His grandma loved to call him the Pink Panther. He looked like he was going to a wedding in that attire. But no, he wasn't in the barber shop to stop a wedding. 

He was there to stop his beloved man from getting a haircut.

Suggestion: Sehun was wearing a tuxedo. His tie and shoes were pink as he obvioulsy loved the color. Which was also why his grandma called him the Pink Panther. He looked like he was going to a wedding in his attire. But no, he was in a barber shop to, trying to stop his beloved man from getting a haircut. [In the one sentence pink was used three times. See how I used pink only once and still got the same results? If certain words share the same descriptive word then just add an 'and', 'or' or 'but' in it. Stay concise. I believe the sentence 'he wasn't in the barber shop to stop a wedding." is gramatically and logically incorrect. No one questioned why or what Sehun was trying to stop so the sudden mention of 'stop a wedding' came off as 'huh?'. It was much later that we learned that he was freaking out, but since it wasn't mentioned before, we didn't know why or what he was doing. What he was up to.]

Original: "Too late now, I'm cutting his hair for donation!" Sehun widened his eyes, he almost felt like throwing his eyes at the scissors: the major antagonist of his love life. There it went, the scissors slashed his beloved Luhan's long long long (probably as long as Rapunzel's) hair.

Suggestion: "Too late now, I'm cutting his hair for donation!" Sehun widened his eyes, he felt like throwing his eyes at the scissors: the major antagonist of his love life. There it went, the scissors slashed his beloved Luhan's long Rapunzel hair.

[Again try not to disturb the pace of reading with extra information in the parenthesis. It's better just to include it in the text and let it flow.  Many readers do not know the exact length of Rapunzel's hair so don't be afraid just to put it out there. People will still imagine a long hair Luhan with very long hair as Rapunzel.] ] 

Original: [Chapter 3] He kept on tossing around and shifting from one side to another while grumbling to his inner self for being such a moody 'supposedly' boyfriend and blaming his poor father who used to be an extremely jealous husband and his mother who used to be so attractive that many guys tried to pursue her even though she was married.[This is ONE sentence. Add commas, periods, where you may see fit.]

Termonology: 4.5/5
I'm not sure why you'd use murder as it's meaning is the unlawful or illegal killing of another being. Hair aren't beings....I suggest sticking with 'cut' or 'chop'. Murdering one's hair doesn't sound very pleasant. Otherwise I didn't see any major problem with your termonologies. All were fairly simple and easy to read and understand. 
Language Barrier: 10/10
No random insertion of Korean expression! Yay! 

General Enjoyment/Last Comment: 3/5
Honestly I loved the idea behind the story but the execution of the story was a bit hm unexpected. If a lot more were explained and fully described I'm sure I would have loved the story, but I couldn't understand the characters to a level where I'd hm appreciate(?) them. That doesn't sound right, lol, maybe it's more like since I didn't know a lot about them, I couldn't really love them. There, that's it! I liked them and the story but not loved their roles.

On a good note though, I did laughed a few times. I think you have a talent for comedy stories and even romance. Just work on those character development and you should be fine. 

Please do not be discouraged by my opinions, as you can tell a lot of readers do like your story! I wish you luck on your future work and only hope you'll improve! Continue to write since you definitely got talent!

Total Points: 84.5/100 (Please let us know on how we're doing by voting on our poll on the front page. Your feedback is much appreciated!)