The Carnifex

Reviewer: dhaatk
Review for: jaeilhun07

Requested on: 04/24/2015
Finished On: 05/09/2015

NOTE: 4 Chapters (Spoiler Alert)

(10/10) Title: The chosen title is original and accurate. No other story on this site has same title. Also, it is fully connected to the story as well as “carnifex” is a fancy word for “executioner”.

(7/10) Character: The amount of characters is decent, but not all of them seem totally necessary. The protagonist Sehun and possibly the antagonist Kimiko are the only characters that imprint on every reader's mind easily. Sehun is remembered well simply because the story revolve around him. Actually, it is rather refreshing to see this idol portrayed as someone quite ordinary and clueless. A lot of writers tend to focus on his cocky and carefree aura and show him as school's scariest but at the same time hottest boy. However, Sehun being so simple in this story also makes him not very outstanding. If he was not the main character, a lot of readers might have brushed him off immediately. Very different situation is with Kimiko. From first appearance she draws all the attention to herself. She is mysterious to the point where readers anticipate her next scene and are very curious about what this girl will do or say. What considers other characters, they do not seem to have any important role in the story so far. Vast part of readers probably are not able to name any of the secondary characters, except for Kai, because his name is familiar to most kpop fans, and Soo Jung, since she is always with Kai and her appearance is described several times. But that is all. It is almost impossible for any reader to recall other characters, just that “someone did something here and there”, but not more.

(9/10) Originality: Ongoing strange murders at school are not something totally new or unwritten, but this story has some good aspects. Such details like Sehun's reason for enrolling into new school or how all those murders have a supernatural vibe benefits story a lot. Also, it is nice how Latin terms for angels are introduced in the foreword, but is is a bit unclear why they are there, because nothing related to those terms had been included in the story yet.

(35/40) Storyline/Plot:  The plot could be evaluated as fair. Of course, not a lot of story has been written yet, but it has not been very exciting so far. Starting story with Choi Jong Hun's death is a wicked great choice. It shows what the story will be about and proves to reader that this is going to be a spooky and mysterious narration. Also, it should be mentioned that this event does not have a valid explanation to it, but it does not need one for it is mystical. However, other scenes do need a logic ground, that would explain why certain things are happening. To put this statement simply, all school activities or those little trips to the cemetery seem hectic.

(21/25) Grammar/Errors: In general, grammar skills are good. Vocabulary is really great for a horror and mysterious story. Words are deep and dark However, a lot of time tenses are mixed are there are some other minor mistakes, that disturb from flawless reading. For example:
“ “Right—uh, it’s already past nine, you should take a shower now.” Sehun looked at his Hyung’s watch and widens his eyes at the sight of 7:42. ”  – now, 7:42 is surely not “past nine”;
“ “You’ve been here since this morning, aren’t you?” ”– tag question is used wrongly here and it should be “You've been here since this morning, haven't you?”

(4/5) Overall Enjoyment: Personally, I like mysterious stories a lot, though not the ones, dealing with murders at school. I enjoyed your choice of words and I do hope you will continue writing this story.

(86/100) Points Total

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